Well.. i was ok, i actually had a bit of a mad laugh at school. But that's different. That's school. And it's easier to be ok there, i don't know why. But the horrible feeling is back, not so I have to try and not cry constntly, but just so it's making me feel pretty crap. I'm worried about mike, haven't spoken to him, but apprently he's not ok. And argh, i just.. Well, i had a really wierd dream last night, and it's made me feel wierd today. Well, the dream and a Fall Out Boy song. I just love the song, and even tho it's kinda happy, it makes me feel sad and wierd and happy all at the same time. And I have a feeling I shouldn't keep listening to it, because it isn't helping. But.. i dunno. I'm making myself not listen to it at the moment. I just blocked the annoying person that was IMing me. well.. we had nothing to talk about and the IM was annoying me, and the convo wasn't going anywhere. and the person was comepletly different to me. and so the whole thing was pretty pointless.
Argh, english he making me feel so crap atm. I mean, the guy that teaches it is nice and everything.. just.. I can't do it. Everyone is doing something and I can't even seem to concentrate for more than 5 seconds. I don't know why, but it happens every lesson. And then when i actually manage to listen to something that he says I can't do the work that he sets anyway. I've done none of the homework and i just.. I don't know. Maybe if i was in a class with stupid people it would be ok. But everyone is really clever and I'm just falling behind. I've tried to tell him that but he won't listen. Even tho I'm actually serious for once. I just.. i really want someone to really get me. Even tho I don't a lot of the time. BEcause it feels.. sometimes, like there is no one that I can honestly beme around, weather I'm happy or sad or whatever. And the thing is, when i'm at school (not lessons or lesson i'm not having next year anyway) And i'm laughing about nothing, I am actually ok. Well, most of the time, if no one talks then i think and that makes me feel crappy, but if i'm not thinking about me, or how i feel, then i'm alright. So i guess that honestly i'm not pretnding to be ok, because unless i'm thinking, i feel like i am. Tho i have to admitt, for the last couple of days the feeling hasn't comepltly gone away. it's been there, even tho i've bee laughing. But, i don't want people to think i'm not fun and boriung and stuff. I mean.. i know that rose is the only person that (i think) honestly sees me as someone to hang out with. Everyone else..? well, i'm someone that's there if no one else is. Actually. Argh, i don't noooooo. because Geena was saying that she really likes talking to me, but then.. she doesn't when like, Deeon and Gemma are around. So, again, i have no idea. And gemma was going on about how she's really made friends with me this year, but then she seems to be like that with Geena, but then she bitches about her loads... well, she used to. So, i really don't know. Deeon is lovely tho, i think she's thinks i'm a freak (she isn's wrong lol) but she says that she's used to me. And anyway, she's a bt of a nutter herself so, it's all ok.
I wish i didn't unpick things so much. I ruin things for myself, and then go on that I'm sad. it's like.. i can't help it. I think about something good that's happened, or someone amazing that I've met.. and then, well suddenly it just seems like they were being like they were because they have to be, not because they like me. And.. well, a lot of the time i think i'm right. I would definatly rather not think like this. But it's not something that I can just stop. it's the way I am. And I guess I always have been. But the thing is, sometimes i thought someone was really happpy, and it turns out they weren't. Then I justr get paranoid everyone is lying to me.. and well.. i'm not gunna go down that route tonight =/
OMG, talking to maz.. i just said something that made sense to me. She's up[set because people keep having a go at her for no reason, and I said this....
Groovymozart1 [19:21]: and.. i know how you feel
Groovymozart1 [19:21]: i guess, you have to look at the person dhaving a go at you, really look, and see if they are really so pefect
Groovymozart1 [19:22]: because they can't be, a so called "perfect" perosn, wouldn't be able to make someone feel like this,
hahahaha, i thought it was good anyway, she just told me it's easy to say that, but doesn't actually make any difference.. fine. lol.
