Angst? Me? Never.

feel about the same, managed a bit of veggie and about 4 peices on pasta. I said to mum she can freeze it and then i'll eat tomorow (ugh). It's not that i don't like the pasta, i love it. just.. don't wanna eat. I did earlier and i dunno why, i wasn't even hungry, it was just something to do i suppose..
I decided to give myself permission to cry.. nothings happening. woop, we're back here again. not so great. I dunno why i'm like this. i really don't, and as much as it's sounds like i do, i guess i can' really blame anyone. this is me.. not anyone else, i'm like this, i don't know why, but i am. That's some of the reason that i don't tell people, cuz if they think i'm miserable they don't tell me stuff, and they might think that means that they can't tell me anything. so.. i dunno. And thern they worry and i don't want them to Or they blame themselves, which is definatly worse, because that means i'm making other people sad, not just myself. So yeah.. i think it's better being how i am. I mean, if nothing else i have this blog, and i tell it everything, in a lot of ways i think that i shouldn't, but i'm going to. it's my.. outlet.

I haven't enjoyed today that much. BAsically have sorted Karly out around her Amber Root stuff. She had to idea about what was happening with any of it and as the school is to stupid to realise that she needs a TA me and Rose had to sort it out. Have fely wierd today. I have a horrible feeling in my stomach that I hate. I just makes me worried all the time and like I just wanna stay in this room forever. I also ate laods earlier and now I feel sick. I just wanna be normal. John's 6th form interveiw was today and no one told my mum so he didn't have any of the stuff he needed which doesn't look good. The school are so crap, so now me and mum are worried about that which isn't great. And I'm worried about mike because he doesn't know why but a part of him wants to try smoking. He said he wasn't gunna tell me cuz I'd worry but i made him, so it's my own fault. I spose at least now I'm worried for reasons.
I feel like I'm gunna cry. More nosey stuff today with Mr L "What Do You Do When You're Angry!" hahaha, like i'm gunna tell them. Tho we managed to get out of it in the end because we wanted to help karly with her interview for tomorow. Part of my wonders if her parents even know that she is going to South Devon College tomorow. They don't seem to do much. Speaking of ger parents, that's another thing, i was talking to karly in PE and and.. well bascially when she is happy she gets really really hyper, and i mean, it is kinda annoying, but it's a hell of a lot better than when she is in a strop and she was saying to me about how her being hyper is a bad thing, and i asked why she thought that, and she said that her mum and dad told her it was. I know that she can be a bit wierd, but i don't think it is exactly right for parents to tell their kids that them being happy is a bad thing. But probably don't know what I'm on about, i'm usually wrong really. I feel so.. argh, i know i say this to much, but sick of being me. THere really isn't anything about me i even remotely like. I get stressed easily. I'm fat and ugly. Just.. argh. And I'm crap at everything, people expect me to be good and drama and english because my mum is. But I'm not. I should just stay in bed all the time. It would make more sense. And the one thing that I felt actually worth somehting doing.. the people turned out not to care and i can't go this year anyway. i just wanna cry and katie won't leave me alone. mike's upset and i can't help. my stomach is starting to hurt. There probably isn't any point in letting myself cry, i'll only have mad crying fit for 5 minutes then just feel sick for a few hours. I spose I may as well just hold it in. The thing is, with today, my mind hasn't really come off it, every few seconds I have to stare into space this horrible feeling is in my mind. I also can't get something I saw on Comic Relief of Friday out of my head. It was this mother whose 3 year old had just died, saw the baby die aswell. Then i feel even worse because everyone there is being ok, and i should be..i just.. can't be for some reason. And I don't think i even wanna talk about it with anyone anymore. No one gets it. They get mad at me for being sad. Or just get bored with me telling them.
Oh god katie SHUT UP "i'm surprised you like me actually" i don't like her. i want her to LEAVE ME ALONE. but i can't tell her that, so i spose i'd better think of something to answer with. The load of one word answers she's had you'd think would give her the hint but apprently not. I bet in a minute I'll get " are you sure you're ok" hahahahaha. Someone is online that i could IM. i just.. she has a lot of things going on. Someone else I used to fel i could IM.. not anymore. Mike doesn't wanna talk, and he's down atm anyway so i guess moaning at him isn't a good idea.
shutupshutup katie, her last 4 answers have ben "lol" she must be getting the messgae by now, but then she does love talking about herself, so i guess i can't expect her to shut it. I don't know if i've ever seen 5 minutes where she doesn't mention herself. Tho, readint his blog, i guess that could be seen as me being a hyprocrite, but seeing as this is MY blog, i think i just might be intitled to talk about myself a bit. This is almost making me laugh now, she really doesn't seem to get it, I'm tempted to block her, i really am.. oohh, i message I can't think of an answer too, finallly. I think I might just stop replying. Hopefully then she won't ask me if she has annoyed me, how am i meant to answer that? Plua, if i block her, i don't know how to unblock her. I spose i could do one of those really oh feel sorry for be type away mrssages people do, but then everyone would ask me what was wrong and as much as i go on about people not wanting to know, i actually don't wanna tell anyone anyway. I mean, i know that people care about me, but when i talk to my mum she worries, and she has enough to worry about without having me to aswell, either that or she gets cross or something.
Oh god. i have to go and eat, joy of joys (not) . I wonder how little i can get away with? hmm...
anyway, i guess i'd better go, more later maybe..