Angst? Me? Never.

If the internet can take me anywhere..
how come i'm bored?

hahahaha. i'm trying to get back down to only one entry per day i just saw this and it was funny so i thought i would write it XD

"random laughter"
haha, well, that one is ok, i was going on about nothing that night.

"sex barneyrulz"
haha, that's the one that made me laugh. i was talking about bebo and the Infamous Devil. I think I might try and find his bebo again and then send Rose the link. it'd make her laugh.

Anyway.. sorry, that just made me laugh (even tho it isn't that funny) So i thougt i might as well write it down.

Ok... today. Basically John had to go and have his hair cut at this place. The guy is all on his own because everyone left and now work in a nicer place across the road. I dunno about everyone else, but this seems pretty mean to me.
Anyway. Unfortunatly mum has definatly started one of her "everything in my life is crap" phases. And.. I thought I would try and cheer her up by suggesting that we go and have coffee somewhere. (granted it was Sainsbury's but at least i tried) So.. john heard and then made us go. And when we got there I said something like "oh, i hope you enjoy this" And she said she hates the cafe and wasn't hungry anyway. So.. hmm.. I will admitt that kinda hurt my feelings, cause like.. i am trying So then i spose I thought at least John will enjoy himself. wrong. he got in a strop because he couldn't decide what he wanted to have to eat. So John in a strop, mum not eating anything. ARGH. So yeah... I'm never bothering with an idea like that ever again.

And.. hmm.. I never sent that e mail. I still have it tho. Mike must have been online at some point today, and he's said this:

Wow.. i think you should. Really do. Show her what you feel and hopefully make her stop everything and stay the hell out of your life. Well stop trying to make it worse.

Anyway, yeah i think you should, its not being bitchy, its telling her how you feel.

So, yeah go for it, send it.

Mike xxx

So... argh. I don't know what to doooooo.

But... on the plus side of things...
a kewl clothes leaflet fell out of my k! mag

so it's not all bad..

Robyn...
I'm sick of this. Wether you'll ever actually get this e mail i don't know. But whatever happens. I'm saying it. It NEEDS to be said.
What you did at the weekend.. it was horrible, malicious, bitchy and everything that is horrible for a so called "friend" to do. You knew better than anyone how I felt about the Sam situation, how crappy it made me feel. But you did that anyway. Why? Does it give you some sick satisfaction trying to make me upset? or did you just think "oh, Lydia's having a nice time and I'm not part of it, how can i ruin that?"
And then, GOD, as if I wasn't mad enough about that. You go and say crap about me liking Jezz to Ime. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? Is me bieng happy just a concept to hard for you or something? Why do you want to screw up my life? I don't care if this is me bieng a drama queen. I mean.. you made me feel shitty enough when you were here about all the things I had supposedly done wrong. Have you got any idea how it feels constantly having to work out what you've done wrong. Actually going to the nurse and getting sent home because someone has mad you feel so shit? (and people wonder why I say sorry all the time *rolls eyes*).
Rose and Ime might not mind it. But I do. Things aren't actually that good at the moment for me (not that you'd know) And I really could do without another "thing" making me feel this terrible.

So.. unless you're gunna change (which I seriously doubt)

Bye.

what does everyone think? I know it sounds pretty harsh, but how she's made me feel.. isn't exactly nice..

This.. isn't going to seem important to anyone else, but it meansa lot to me so.. yeah, i'm writing it. But if.. anyone is gunna read this and think I'm lame or leave a stupid tag then please piss off.
Basically... everyone online hates me. Zoey was being horrible so i stopped speaking to her. And everyone had a go at me for that. Then she started slagging off mike, who has been so amazing for me recently.. thru everything. So i lost it. And then everyone started having a go at me, and maz left. And I thought ARGH but then ND (host who i thought was my friend, ha, was wrong about that) goes "happy now?" I mean.. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!! She was going on at me to ignore people that I don't want to talk to, and I was doing that, and that's not ok. And so I said that. Then I said I was stopping and she goes "bit late now" I mean.. argh, in want to cry cause she's made me feel so bad. She was like.. one of my favourite hosts. Not as amazing as HP tho. Argh, i miss her. I wish she was online so much, but I think she's on holiday so I can't talk to her. Oh goddy god godddddd. I hate them. I hate them so much. And I hate Robyn even more now. Ime doesn't hate me anymore tho.. Robyn's making stuff up about me. saying like.. I fancy jezz and all this crap. I'm thinking of sending her a really mean e mail. I think I'll do it.. or at least type it. even if it never gets sent.

I was trying really hard not to do another entry. Even tho I was feeling really bad earlier, but I just cheered myself with a bebo I accidently found.
THE INFAMOUS DEVIL'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I have explained about him about 3 times now lolol. is all I can say really.
I left a stupid comment on Rose's aswell. I hope that she comes in tomorow, cause I really want to tell her this now. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm actually sad here smiling this is funny. I mean.. i hate him, but still.. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I guess no one can really get it accpet Rose.
But, to us this is really really funny. And he knows who we are, well.. he doesn't, but he kida does. If you see, which.. you probably don't. but one time he looked at us and looked at his friend.. and we knew he knew. And a couple of days ago he looked like he was gunna laugh when he saw me. I was walking with Kirsty d and radomly started laughing.. I can't remember what my excuse was. I think i might just have said "oh, just the Infamous devil"

hahahahahahaha, she must think i'm such a freak.

She's not wrong

Hahahahahahahahaha. I just noticed mine. Do other people put them there? Cause i swear I never called myself illiterate.
Nice to feel loved
hehe

Still no Rose. Apprently she is bored and stuff, she came online for a while last night but I don't think her AIM is working cuz it sounded like she wasn't getting my messages.
i just took this wierd thingy off my keyboard. It was annoying but without out it my wrists hurt. Hmm.. Does anyone know how to make the front bits of your keyboard not rattle? It's really ANNOYING.
oh god.. harriet is online. If she mentions Robyn I think I might scream. And someone else is going on about me saying something for them to listen to. Hmm.. Well.. what have I done today? Discovered that about 6 people can fit under a teeny umbrella. And found out all the fun things you can do while waiting for a friend to be done in the tech room (ie. squishing things and painting stuff you probably shouldnt be). Somehow I don't think they will find that interesting (tho it was really fun at the time) I get on really well with Kailee, she is a nuts as me and Rose which is kewl XD

Hahahahaha, I was just looking at the smileys, cause i never actually use them, they are kinda kewl.. i don;t really know why I never use them on my blog, because I use them a lot in chatrooms.

Desperate Housewives is so wierd, from one episode there is a guy that has a bad full of teeth (!) And some pearls from some woman that he killed. I seriously doubt life is really like this. But then.. say there were programs about normal people nobody would watch then, someting romantic or a load of murder or something has t be happening else people just aren't interested.

I've been sooooooooooooo tired today. It's wierd, cuz I didn't really go to bed at a not normal time. Tho.. I got woken up by.. noises coming from next door.
I will never be able to look her in the face again

I had to finsh my english mock SAT today, it was actually easier than I thought, and I feel slightly less crap than I did last time. Tho my englsih teacher.. when we first had him he came across differently. The last 2 lessons I've got the impression that he's really sad.
I dunno if anyone else has noticed anything, but you can't really say when you thinkn syiff like that, cause it autmatically means that you "fancy" them, just cause you actually notice stuff..

OMG THEY ARE AMAZING. I mean.. i knew that anyway. But they have cheered me up sooooooooooo much tonight. I feel.. really good now. That and I'm going to be watching tv with my mum for a while in a bit. I don't think anyone can really understand.. it's just... she's busy a lot and i kinda feel like.. I'm just something that gets in the way a lot, and then when we get a chance to be just us for a while it;s really nice. And it's stupid.. but just knowing that is making me feel better. it;s even taking me off the 33/98 in the mock SAT... only almost tho, and i haven't told her about that yet =/
oh well.. i know that she won't be mad at me, but I don't really wanna tell her because it'll give her something else to worry about. But then.. I can't not really, hmmmm....

Today.. have felt crap but haven't really had the time to think about it. Karly didn't get on the amber route, and she's been really upset. I feel really bad for her. It isn't fair, she was SO enthusiastic about it, and after the day that she had there she was realy really happy. but... after a little while she seemed to cheer up a bit, which was kewl.
But.. this morning =/
I'm having one of those days where you really don't want to leave the house, and whatever you do it doesn't go away, and you just want to stay in. I felt like it last night aswell, and i told mum how much i didn't want to go in today. And she looked like she was going to think about it. But John has a cough or something so he's here. She made me cry this morning.. She said John was staying at home, so i thought ok.. fair enough, but he keeps being mean whenever I'm in the same area as him. I think all that he said to me yesterday was "shut up". So I just asked her to ask him to not be mean. And she stood up for him tones and then did this sighing at me thing. It was like.. shut up, i don't care. And I got really upset about it. Which I know was dumb.. but it made me feel worse. Nothing... apart from that really happened today. Well.. ok, something did actually. Robyn's made Ime hate me. She was really wierd with me today, and I know that I'm not being paranoid. She's never like that. I guess i knew that she would be really.. did i? ARGH! It isn't fair. I didn't do anything wrong, Robyn took advantage of the fact that I trusted her, and there are about a zillion other things, but no one cares cuz it's robyn, i'm just Lydia..

Yep. it's true. I have no life.

I just.. was thinking. Well.. I was thinking and then someone said the thing I was thinking about. Apprently hugging is like.. a vital part of a friendship. Me and Rose never hug =/
I'm not a hug person. Well.. I dunno. I've done quite a lot of hugging of my mum, cause she's upset a lot. Well, i used to hug her anyway. Most of the time when she is sad now she has a go at me. Hmmm.. I don't know if I'm a huggy person. I don't think I've ever been friends with a "huggy" person. So I guess I don't know really. I wonder.. Maybe that's why I don't really have many friends. Cause I don't hug people and it seems like I'm a brick. I dunno. Gemma said that she noticed I didn't really hug people. I dunno. I think.. actually. I don't.
I know =/
i'm not really normal. Cause everyone else seems.. different. Maybe. I want to go and be with someone now. Not in that way, just go and have some fun and watch a film or something. But no one has time. And plus it's 9:30 and all the people I know are in Totnes. Well.. I do know people here but I don't really know if they are friends. They are like.. people that I have tuns of fun with when I see them, but if we ever had a proper conversation I don't know if anyone would know what to say. Hmm.. I think.. I think I'm annoying. Because sometimes I am in a good mood. it just.. I dunno, when it gets to the evening I sorta... well, I've sat on my own for ages and I always feel a bit crap. Never use to tho.. I guess that was because being online used to be amazing. But it isn't so much at the moment. Loads od stuff is going wrong and I think I'm only coming on for the sake of it. And to get away.. The on time I came downstairs and tried to have a conversation John told me to shut up anyway. ARGH.

I think that I need to learn how to make a good mood stay. Cause.. I was fine until about 10 minutes ago. I don't really know what happened. Just the feeling that I hate came back, it's annoying. realy annoying =/

Today.. actually, from a craooy start in turned out to be pretty good. The reason that it started badly is me is me being a bitch again. Basically john didn't get up till about 5 mintues before we had to go to school. Which made us late. The thing is, this time last week i was in John's position and i got yelled at.. at lot. And it's john? nothing. And then he gets to go home from school because he is ill. right. yep, i'm bieng horrible and stuff.. it just doesn't seem that fair.. or maybe it does. ohhh i don't know.
Anywayyyy, Rose was away, which wasn't so great. But so was the guy that i like which is a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. Good, because it means that i don't have to watch him and the girl he likes (who is really nice.. foof) being all.. liking eachother. lol. And bad.. cuz i don't get to see him =P
And then after a while, the mad laughing bug developed. It's Scarlet's, she always makes me laugh anyway because she has to be one of the weirdest (but funnest) people I have ever met. And we were sat in a really good row. And so i got on (kind of) withg everyone. I guess the thing that really started us of was when Alister (takes hm self wayyyyy so sersiously) fell off his chair. Which got balme n me but i couldn't argue because i was laughing to much. YOu know, when your stomach starts killiong you kinda laughing? Well.. it had been building up for a while, but when the chair went over... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha. I guess it doesn't sound funny. But it really was. I also got to have a go at Stefan. Which is always fun because he never really gets what is going on. For some reaosn he really hates me (he was being mean to someone and i told him how dumb it was) and ever since then for some reason everything that I so annoys him. And he made a coment (which actually had nothing to do with what we were talking about, but apprently.. it did.) And so me and Scarlt got to say stuff to him for a while that he didnt understand.
And then lunch.. water fights, laughing at Beanie going mad cause her hair got wet, the make up reaaplying etc etc.
hehehehehheehehehehehehehe

yes, i am a bitch, but for once.. a happy one

XD

ARGH. harriet is trying to get me to talk to Robyn without saying that they have been talking about me. I wonder if she realises get amazingly obvious what she is doing is. I'm guessing also that everything is my fault and i've over reacted etc. but the thing is.. it isdn't just now. And it;s because she makes me feel this crap and she isn't here. And I don't trust her. And basically all the stuff that I have said. I don't care if i'm being a drama queen or a bitch or w/e. mabye I want to be. I'm NOT making up with robyn, and if harriet goes on about it (which so far she isn't) I'll block her to.

yes, itroducing me, apprently a bitch now.

hmm..
I bet the fact that I don't talk to Robyn anymore will be around school tomorow. I wonder which of my friends will go all wierd with me. The thing is that i don't really want to tell them, because it sounds lame. But the whole thing.. it made me feel really really crappy anf Robyn knew that because she always made me talk about it. And she was always takingthe mick out of the situation and making me worry more and stuff. But to everyone else it is just going to be me over reaccting. And the fact that I'm ugly will mean that they won't believe any of it anyway. oh god, and what if Robym tells everyone??! Oh noooo. That would be worse than rfeally really bad. Because how am i going to explain that??? Oh noooooooo. I really eally hope that she doesn't. She wouldn't.. would she?

I hate mondays. i had a mock SAT english paper. I didn't have to do the whole thing because we didn't have the right amount of time. I think that he did want us to get past question 6 tho. I just can't do ittttt. I can't even remember the question. it's just.. argh, it was hard. And then in the end the guy next to me just told me to skip it and then time ran out anyway. Stupid horrible crappy make me feel bad feeling is still here. Very badly. Especially this evening. I don't really know why. I wonder if people can see my thru the window, cause i can see them. Sam is playing football will all the annoying people. Not very exciting. Actually, extreemly boring.
Just checked on john. I thought he wouldn't be looking but he is. I'm "in charge" cause mum has gone to the meeting thingy to stop the concrete walls getting built. I bet they will be anyway. Then she'll go and yell at a few people say we're moving fall out with me about a zillion times and then decide that they really don't look that bad after all (or get used to it, whicever comes first.) but, whenever she starts yelling for whatever reason I think i'm gunna walk away. I don't like it when people yell. It makes them and everyone around them feel bad and it makes everything akward. So.. point? there isn't one. And I don't want to listen, and she knows that, so after a while she'll get over the fact that I'm not listening. If it's such a problem she could try not looking out the window.
Done something else stupid in chat. Mike isn't talking to zoey cause of something i said, and now she is in there asking what, i hope this calms down before wednesday, else someone is going to kill me. And everyone is asking me about it. I'm being a lying cow. Argh, i hate myself. I just can't be bothered. I can't evemn keep everyone ok online anymore. Mainly cuz i don't like half of them, but i want to be on here. OH GODDDDDDDDDDD, why do i feel like this? have I done sometihng really really bad i don't knowwwww. if i have an dma i bitch, can someone tell me? Cuz I don't know what I have to do. i just.. i can't always keeps things that are getting to me to myself. And i decided to tell him cept i'm telling everyone it wasn't me and so is he. ARGH. I just.. oh nooo. I don't know what to do. Oh well, I decided i "had to go" cause i don't really want to listen anymore. I actually have h/w i'm meant to be doing. So.. i guess i better had..
bye.

feeling crap. Everything that I felt earlier has gone. And now I just feel like evrything inside me is all in one bit knot. Robyn never tried to call. She obviosly couldn't care less. Oh well.. Actually. Not oh well. This is making me feel so crappy. I just started talking to soph again because I can't be bothered with sammie having a go at me and telling me to more of a "adult". So everythig that i thought i was thinking doesn't excist. God i need to get some backbone.
But.. on the plus side of things, i'm now typing on my computer!!!!! Mum said that she was gunna call a guy out to do it but then she decided that she could. an d2 hours later she did. it's kewl having thr internet in my room. Tho it hasn't really helped my mood. John was in a strop cuz mum was sorting this out and not taking him out for a change. But I think he might have got over it now. I don't really know, i haven't seen him much all day. Oh this isn't fairrrrr. I thought i was happy today. I might hurry up and dye my hair. Not that that will help and I don't have the guts to do it anyway. I wanna die it black and blue. I'm so bored of the way that it is. but then.. if i do dye it will i get even more hassle than I do now? Argh, i dunno.
My mum's uncle died today. That made me feel even wierder. I never met him. And i annoyed with myself. I guy who I'm related to died today and I never met him, i never even got to say hi. Tho if i had of done he wouldn't have known who i was. but... i dunno, i guess i wish that I had met him and stuff..

Had a at talk with Rose, and feel soooooooooo much better now. It's really kewl. And she is kinda mad at Robyn as well (tho not as ma as i am) I didn't know this but apprently Robyn is trying to steal one of her friends boyfriends or something. And apart form the obvious fact that this is mean and bitchy and horrible and 2 faced and various other things, it's hypocritical. Well.. When she was here there was this guy that she like, bill. And I didn't actually do anything wrong, I just ended up making friends with him because he always seemed to be around a lot. And.. Robyn hated that. She decided that every time that i talked to him i was "flirting" (i wasn't) and everytime we made eachother laugh I wa trying to push Robyn out and I was being a bitch etc etc. I never did any of that crap. I just got on well with someone. Just because i make friends with a boy doesn't mean that I like him. And so.. yeah, i'm not friends with him now because Robyn fell out with me so much ovr it i didn't end up talking to him much in the end. And.. now she is doing this. It's so ARGH. I really hate her.
And the thing is.. when I first made friends with him she would just stop talking to me, and I didn't actually know why. I asked, and she'd be like "you know what you've done" and i was thinking huh?? But whenever I said that she just got even worse and then like... went off to bitch about me or something. And then the next day she would be fine until I spoke the the wrong person again.
I just... is it bad talking to someone that your friend likes? i mean.. would you stop talking to someone because your friend liked them? Mybae you're meant to, but if you are, i didn't know that.
She always got mad at me over guys that I spoke to. And like.. whenever I talked to them she got mad at me for no reason. I just.. i don't always understand why she hated me so much. Sometimes, if Rose wasn't a school, she would be fine all day, and then she would stop talking to me the next day. And as far as i knew, i had never done anything wrong (one of the times it turned out that I hadn't been very happy, and of course saying how I felt wasn't allowed). I'm just so.. it gets me thinking about it y'know? All the stupid crap that she did just to make me miserable. And the fact that everyone still loves her now pisses me off. Ok.. there are people that hate her, but i don't think they really know about the like.. maliciousness of her.
I probably have stopped making much sense. I don't really know why, I just have. I know what I want to say. I want to write down every time that Robyn upset me. The times she made me cry (and the time i went home cuase of her)
But.... it makes me sound like such a drama queen. I was just really sad a lot while she was here because i was constantly having to try and work out what I had done wrong. And i hated that so much. It was like.. she was trying to like.. hate me for being me. And then she told a load of people that I was horrible to her in year 7 once as well. I don't know what I did. Making friends with Rose is the thing that I did that annoyed her I think. I just.. apprently I was horrible to her, but she was the one that made everyone that I made friends with run away all the time. That's actually how I made friends with Rose. Even tho she was like.. Robyn's best friend, she stopped running away when everyone else did. I think that was what annoyed Robyn, Rose chose to be friends with me and not just leave me on my own. And now.. me and Rose are still friends (best friends actually lol) and Robyn.. well, I guess.. I don't want to try anymore. I don't understand her, I don't think that I actually want to. How is trying to make someone sad fun? She is 100s of miles away and she makes me feel like this. I am so much better off without her. I actually really am. And I am going to not make up with her. Well, in my head I'm not going to. And I was going to delete her off my bebo friends list but i haven't done it yet. I don't knowwwwww. In my mind I'm never going to bother with her again.. but everyone else. I just.. I don't want to be friends with her, i know that. And I can't be friends with someone just because I don't want other people to hate me. That isn't fair on Robyn, and tbh it isn't on me either. Because being friends with Robyn means that I have to put up with her telling people things that aren't true. Worrying about what she is saying about me and stuff. And i don't think that I want to worry about all that stuff anymore. I know that I don't. I just feel bad. I always think about.. how can people stop caring and stuff.. but, i haven't stopped caring. I just don't trust her at all. And I don't think I'm ever going to. I know that this isn't really a major major thing. But i some ways to me it is. Because she has made everything all come back.
Rose is mad at Karly. I don't like Karly, so i don't mind ignorez vousing her. Basically Rose, Kalry and Chloe go to this youth night thing (they were trying to force me to go, ad i will this week now) and karly kept dragging chloe off saying they needed to "talk". And she was leaving Rose on her own on purpose.
Karly... she is, she's one of those people that you are there for a lot but they just throw everything back in your face all the time. Like.. the other day, she was going to an interview for going to South Devon College to do some of her GCSEs and she had no idea what she was doing so we were helping her and telling her how to behave what to wear etc. And then there are the other times when we have caused ourselves problems with the chavs because of sticking up for her. And yet she still thinks it's ok to be horrible to us on front of them cause she is showing off. I pointed all of this out to her in front of the chavs, and she just told me to get lost (cept not in those words exctly.. =/) And i know i probably osund like an old grandma. But.. I want real friends. I want friends that are going to stick around for me. And Rose.. that's what she is. She is a real friend and she won't go anywhere, i know that. But Karly and Robyn.. what do they do? nothing. Do i trust them? no.

So.. what's the point?

sorry about all the entries, it's just wierd at the moment, and writing down everything that I'm feeling on here is helping me to work things out a bit myself. A lot of the time I don't know what I'm going to write. I mean, i know that I'm upset about something, but most of the things that I end up writing i wasn't planning to lol.

I CAN TYPE WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE KEYBOARD!!!!
well.. most of the time anyway
i just noticed that I was looking at the screen not the keys

XD

After writing that title i now have the No Doubt song in my head. Oh well, i don't really mind, because i like the song. I finally saw all the videos that i wanted ot yesterday!!!! i was mad last night so I forgot to say. 4am Forever, I Don't LOve You (i like that song so much more now!!!!!) and Invincible. The Invincible video is so amazing, but then, so were the other 2. I don't know if anyone knows the song 4am Forever (LostProphets) but i love it a lot, and it's on my bebo now XD
Am feeling wierd today. That would have to be the first time that I have really properly stood up for myself with Robyn. Tho I don't think that she cares about the fact that I am mad at her. I guess part of me was wanting her t say sorry not "it must have been a different robyn" Still feel a bit betrayed dissapointed and everything. I'm getting dissapointed by wayyyyy to many people at the moment. I hate myself for feeling like this about people, cuz.. I would hate it for people to think that about me, but.. I just. Hmmm.. I guess I have been thinking about what a friend really is.. Isn't it supposed to be something that you can go to with anything and they feel the same back, they accept you for any mood that you are in and stuff..
I have really confused myself now. I knew what I wanted to say when I started typing but I've kinda lost it now.

It soiunds pretty oathetic but now i don't really know what I'd do without this blog. I am on like.. 3 entries per day now, and i know that is lame, but it helps. Sometimes (even tho I still don't make any sense) it's easier to write things down. It's defainatly easier than telling people and then have them have a go at you and tell you how much worse their life is and that they have to be ok so so do i. I don't want to have some lame competition about my feelings. I just want a person who is going to accept that I'm not happy. Accept that I'm not saying that I have really bad problems, but i just don't feel very happy and I haven't sorted myself out yet. I don't want someone to make me feel bad about the fact that I am sad. And then be another person that makes me feel bad about stuff.. i just.. argh

oh great.. now I'm gunna get yelled at, John needs to do his homework so i asked him to let me finish.. but he is just kinda hovvered around so i asked him to leave me alone please and stormed off

I could refuse to give the computer, but I'm not.

Oh well, I'll have one that I have the internet on some time in the next couple of weeks.

Get on lock on my door and it would all be perfect..

Ok, explanation needed. He was a guy that I went out with because I thought that he liked me. The fact that both of his best friends were going out with people they seemed to be all over all the time didn't occur when i said yeah, cause i thought "awww, he seems really nice". And.. i only saw him a couple of times a week for a while. But then... we went to the cinema. And.. well that's when everything went a bit wrong. From then on whenever his friends where around his was trying to be all over me and stuff.. and well, i figured out what the point in me being there was. Cause none of his friends made an effort to talk to me, i was just there, and extra or something. and.. well, i stopped going to the club, i couldn't think of a nice way to say "you are a twat" so.. i kinda never saw him again. Not that it stopped worrying me. God no. its only recently that I have relaxed when i have been in Torquay lol. And.. I accidently found his bebo a couple of days ago. And i was stupid enough to tell Robyn that. She went on his bebo. She told me she wouldn't comment. She did. She basically called him a load of crap and "do you remember lydia". I got mad. really mad. I said to her i couldn't belive that she has done it, because I only told her that I found it cause i trusted that she wouldn't tell anyone. And then she was like "oh, it must have been a different robyn" clicked on the link. Nope. Her. I hate her. She isn't here anymore. She doesn't control things anymore. I don't see why she can't just leave me to get on with my life. She is the pretty one who everyone likes, why can't she leave me to get on with things? I'm not pretty, I screw up a lot, i don't realy have many friends. She has everything. And yet she still seems to want to screw things up for me. I don't get it. I really don't.. And so now I feel crap. And everyone at school is probably not going to like me, because they all love Robyn. Ime, i just made friends with, Robyn will tell someting different i'm pretty sure. And then.. no more her. I just.. to be comepletly honest, can't be bothered anymore. I don't want to let Robyn make me feel like I'm the one in the wrong, i don't want to have who i am and am not friends with monitered. I don't want people to be told that I have bitched about then because I am making friends with them and Robyn didn't like hem and they hated her just as much. It's not fair. And I don't want to put up with it anymore.
I said a lot of that in chat, and then sammie had a go at me about the whole soph thing. I don't care about it. It's like.. if you're trying really hard to be happy, and there are people, that like.. you know don't really car,e if you stop bothering with them, does that make you a bad person? i'm just comepletly sick of having to be somebody else all of the time. I'm sick of having to be nice to everyone, because I'm Lydia and that's what i do. Maybfor once i could say "i can't take it anymore" but i can't, because then I get told how much worse it could be. and that i should start being an adult and think about everyone else. I can't be nice when i don't fee nice much anymore, i have to do it most of the time at school, i don't get cross with people most of the time, because what's yelling gunna do? So ignoring seemed like the best idea. Because.. what else is there? i mean, i seriously can't be bothered with the bitching and catty commenting- tho i am DEFINATLY telling rose this on monday. I really want to ring her now... or tomorow, or something. But i gunna have to wait..
I just, it feeels..
does everyone want me to be miserable?

Apparently..

yeah

=/

Well.. last night something that should have been good happened. Some people gave me their old computer, tho it turned out it's a really new one!!!! and so i was really happy and stuff. and then.. john got mad. he got mad.. because.. something good had happened for me. and then i got mad.. all the time i usually have to watch while everything happens for him.. and then once.. just once, something for me, and it isn't ok. it's bad and so he got annoyed then i got mad. i'm not allowed anything apprently. and then the thing.. the thing that got ne really mad was that mum went and sat with him for ages, she went and made sure that she was ok.. and left me on my own. i mean, i know that she can't be everywhere and i would probably not have told her anything anyway (yes, i'm a bitch) but i would have liked her to of ask.. just like "you ok?" or something lame like that. but. nope. so i cried for a while and then i had to be ok today, else i get accused of being "grumpy". so yeah.. i'm annoyed. and i tol someone online. haha, i asked to be sent someone whoi wants to know, that i can help and they help me back.
so far nothing.
but then.. i'm not at school so i guess i wouldn't have met anyone.
i still kinda doubt they'll come. i have been waiting 14 years.

lol....

not true. mike, and he is lovelyyyyy. and i help him and he helps me, so it's really kewl.
It's just.. well, everyone else, i mean, i'm realy majorly dissapointed. sammie isn't being off with me anymore. i left the chat with soph in it. but it might mean that i don't get to see HP, cause she'll always be there. Actually, it'll mean i can't go anywhere.
=(
I HAVEN'T DONE AHYTHING WRONG.

ok..
she was talking about mike in a not nice way, so i snapped and said i didn't want to have this coversation with her, and then she said, ok, she would have it with someone else, so i said that she shouldn't be having it with anyone, because it wasn't fair. and then it went into me telling her how her always going on about no one caring (when i definatly did) and everything. and i said about how that made her feel.. as she carried on.

i'm trying to be happy.. it just seems.. as if no one wants me to be, i know i soiund like a bitch but i can't anymore.. i actually don't want to either =/

LOL, i'm so sad, look how many entrie in one night.
oh well, when there is no where else. there is my blog.
and like it or not that's how it is lol.

"Just say sorry to Soph...."

i have no friends.

Another person just prooved how they aren't my friend.
woop.
not.
argh, this is so unfairrrrr
i really wanna cry now.
but i can't, because someone might come up
so i'll just have to deep breathe lol.

It’s true. The stuff that happens here isn’t exactly book material tho, rather than interesting (haha) affairs and stuff we get concrete walls. Basically, in the park there are tennis courts and a group of people who look after the park want to build 2 solid concrete walls there for chavs to kick footballs at because they don’t want them doing it in the carpark. And their brilliant plan for doing it was not to tell anyone that they were doing it do that there weren’t any complaints. Well, hahahahaha, is all I can say. Cause basically, now my mum knows, plan over. The thing is, I don’t want you tio get the wrong impression, my mum isn’t one of those annoying nosey bossy people that you find in small villages. She just gets mad when they try and change things so it looks horrible. And seeing as I (selfish cow that I am) wont let us move, whenever this kinda stuff happens she makes huge fusses. And so she is gunna post to everyone in our road details of what they wanna do and get everyone to complain so they won’t get permission etc etc. I think it would be way more fun if they built it and then we went and got a massive hammer, but apparently that wouldn’t work.

People are no fun

That might even make me happy rofl.

Once when Hugh scared us by being nice he let us draw all over his walls because he was taking the paper off. For some reason I wrote song lyrics all over everywhere.

Oh god, had argument with someone else online and me and mike were talking about the annoying IM that she sent me. And apparently she knows I told mike everything that she said. This is so crap. Mike and HP are the only good thing about being online at the moment. I mean.. Sammie can be, but after yesterday I don’t always know. Sammie.. well, I know it seems lame to everyone reading this but.. well, I thought that she was my friend, but since stuff with soph she has been like.. the first person to have a go at me

This is soooooooooooo crap.

Everything good is going wrong

and, yeah, it's my fault
see what i mean?
i say this, but no one believes me, if i wasn't me and stupid and stuff. everything would be ok..

=/

I can't say I have enjoyed today. Because i got forced to do the crappy house netball at school. It's wierd, as soon as it started everyone turned into a complete bitch. There was SO MUCH BITCHING. I t was really unbelievable. Everyone was saying how Amber was trying to get on the team when she was a sub and it was her own fault she wasn't on because she didn't put her name down.. and apprently she's crap anyway. Foof. Then, end of first match, Amber is going on. We ask who is gunna give up their place, and I'm thinking "well, i kinda enjoyed myself, but then.." and then when i was gunna say she could have mine, they said that she should take Geena's place because Geena had done least. And even tho she wouldn't admitt it I could tell that Geena was sad. I mean, she went quiet and it took her ages to cheer up. And then when i said i didn't really wanna do it no one listened. So, i assumed that I was and went off to second lesson. And then after break Deeon is telling me that everyone is dropping out etc. So i felt bad and said i would do it. And then she said she thought it was a buit selfish of Geena to get in a mood. So i just pointed out to her how does she think that she would feel if she had tried her hardest buit got kicked off the team when she bothered to volunteer. But, it made no difference. So, next few lessons. Felt crap again afteer english (you'd think it would be easy seeing as i apprently speak the language.. but no.) And then art (crpa at it) then last lesson, back to netball. Everyone is like, oh hi. And then (you know when people sound like they have been bitching and stuff? well.. it's not just me =/ that thinks that i know i don't think) Amber goes "Oh, i thought you'd dropped out" so then i'm confused, cuz everyone was telling me that I had to go etc. And then I got "nope" and she looks kinda annoyed. And then I'm told I've been made a sub because someone else (amber probably lol) is having my place. So.. ok, but i'm a bit pissed off, cuz tbh i'd actually rather be in french than sat doing nothing in my P.E kit. But then i decide to stick around cuz Geena is a sub too, so i'll have someone to talk to. Then I'm all decided that I'm a sub and everything. Then I'm told I'm playing.. ok. Bascially I'm the fall back person. Then we play to games, win one of them and it's all going ok. Then Hannah says that she wants a go, and i played every single game so i just gave her mine because i couldn't actually be bothered to play again. And.. this is the mean bit that really annoying me Gemma said to Hannah "are you actually good?" and.. nxt time i saw Hannah apprently her leg was hurting and she didn't wanna play anymore. Won the las couple of games. Then I had to Goal Keep this really annoying person and everything was "fuckin annoying" and then she called Gemma fat, so i gave her my famous (haha) detah stare and she said sorry. And.. well, i don't cxare if I'm a snitch but i told the nice PE techer person. Because well.. the 4 girls are all like her and they are in our normal PE group.. and it's actually at the stage where none of us want to work with them because they comment on us and what we look like, they shove us around and stuff, and then if they aren't winning or something they get really bitchy and make it completly obvious that they are talking about you.. so.. argh.

Oh, one last thing, all the chavs are being funnny with the new girl in our form, Viky. And i know why, it's so obvious, it is because for once a new person that has come into the school hasn't instantly gone out with Ozzie or blanked me rose geena deeon and everyone when we tried to be nice. We've made a new friend.. so they don't seem to like her.. =/ and today they were bitching about her then they realised that she was right next to them. It's so unfair.. just because one person doesn't want to be all like they are, doesn't wear their little crappy uniform they all seem to have. Because one perosn has let Geena be friendly and not thought that it's wierd or something. Because she's always really nice to the new people. I guess they just don't like the fact that we haven't got blanked because the person has seen who the chavs are and decided that she wants to be friends with them straight away.

What makes them so much better than us anyway......?

Well.. i was ok, i actually had a bit of a mad laugh at school. But that's different. That's school. And it's easier to be ok there, i don't know why. But the horrible feeling is back, not so I have to try and not cry constntly, but just so it's making me feel pretty crap. I'm worried about mike, haven't spoken to him, but apprently he's not ok. And argh, i just.. Well, i had a really wierd dream last night, and it's made me feel wierd today. Well, the dream and a Fall Out Boy song. I just love the song, and even tho it's kinda happy, it makes me feel sad and wierd and happy all at the same time. And I have a feeling I shouldn't keep listening to it, because it isn't helping. But.. i dunno. I'm making myself not listen to it at the moment. I just blocked the annoying person that was IMing me. well.. we had nothing to talk about and the IM was annoying me, and the convo wasn't going anywhere. and the person was comepletly different to me. and so the whole thing was pretty pointless.
Argh, english he making me feel so crap atm. I mean, the guy that teaches it is nice and everything.. just.. I can't do it. Everyone is doing something and I can't even seem to concentrate for more than 5 seconds. I don't know why, but it happens every lesson. And then when i actually manage to listen to something that he says I can't do the work that he sets anyway. I've done none of the homework and i just.. I don't know. Maybe if i was in a class with stupid people it would be ok. But everyone is really clever and I'm just falling behind. I've tried to tell him that but he won't listen. Even tho I'm actually serious for once. I just.. i really want someone to really get me. Even tho I don't a lot of the time. BEcause it feels.. sometimes, like there is no one that I can honestly beme around, weather I'm happy or sad or whatever. And the thing is, when i'm at school (not lessons or lesson i'm not having next year anyway) And i'm laughing about nothing, I am actually ok. Well, most of the time, if no one talks then i think and that makes me feel crappy, but if i'm not thinking about me, or how i feel, then i'm alright. So i guess that honestly i'm not pretnding to be ok, because unless i'm thinking, i feel like i am. Tho i have to admitt, for the last couple of days the feeling hasn't comepltly gone away. it's been there, even tho i've bee laughing. But, i don't want people to think i'm not fun and boriung and stuff. I mean.. i know that rose is the only person that (i think) honestly sees me as someone to hang out with. Everyone else..? well, i'm someone that's there if no one else is. Actually. Argh, i don't noooooo. because Geena was saying that she really likes talking to me, but then.. she doesn't when like, Deeon and Gemma are around. So, again, i have no idea. And gemma was going on about how she's really made friends with me this year, but then she seems to be like that with Geena, but then she bitches about her loads... well, she used to. So, i really don't know. Deeon is lovely tho, i think she's thinks i'm a freak (she isn's wrong lol) but she says that she's used to me. And anyway, she's a bt of a nutter herself so, it's all ok.
I wish i didn't unpick things so much. I ruin things for myself, and then go on that I'm sad. it's like.. i can't help it. I think about something good that's happened, or someone amazing that I've met.. and then, well suddenly it just seems like they were being like they were because they have to be, not because they like me. And.. well, a lot of the time i think i'm right. I would definatly rather not think like this. But it's not something that I can just stop. it's the way I am. And I guess I always have been. But the thing is, sometimes i thought someone was really happpy, and it turns out they weren't. Then I justr get paranoid everyone is lying to me.. and well.. i'm not gunna go down that route tonight =/

OMG, talking to maz.. i just said something that made sense to me. She's up[set because people keep having a go at her for no reason, and I said this....
Groovymozart1 [19:21]: and.. i know how you feel
Groovymozart1 [19:21]: i guess, you have to look at the person dhaving a go at you, really look, and see if they are really so pefect
Groovymozart1 [19:22]: because they can't be, a so called "perfect" perosn, wouldn't be able to make someone feel like this,
hahahaha, i thought it was good anyway, she just told me it's easy to say that, but doesn't actually make any difference.. fine. lol.

I just.. don't know what to do anymore. I don't expect anyone to understand, i just have to write this. It needs to be written. I can't do it anymore. I can't be enough for her, i can't just agree with everything now, because she is involving people that i can't let her speak he way she does about them. It isn't fair. I know her life has been so hard you would not believe, but it doesn't make it fair. She was the one who started me off yesterday. i was trying, i really was, but then she said what she said and i couldn't be ok. i cried so hard. and she has worried me, told me things. but.. i don't want to leave her, because i hate that so much. i just don't, i don't know. And then mike has been amazing today, and yesterday.. he did make me smile.
oh no.. i'm.. gunna go

i'm crying. it's stupid. like last night, this horrible feeling won't go away. looks like mike is about to start smoking. then (this is horrible and selfish of me and i hate myself more than anything for it) but then i think he's gunna get bored of me and stop caring. sammie keeps saying that she's gunna leave and then she has a go at me because i didn't realise that she was talking to me and her having go at me then ignoring me made me cry. so i stopped talking for a while then left. i just feel sometimes.. like sammie and mike are the only people i have, and they are gunna go away, and i don't wanna be on my own. i mean.. people care. i know. just.. with them it's different. and with them stopping caring (or maybe never caring, i don't know) it's so.. argh. and i have to stop crying because i can't make up an excuse to talke of my makeup so it doesn't show. and i don't want anyone to know, because then they'll wanna talk or something and i can't. i don't want to. not to them anyway. i just want someone to care and keep caring. the thing sammie sais that really made me care is when they were talking about someone called isis, and MM said about how she loves her, and sammie goes "at least someone does" and she's my friend, course i do.. so yeah, that made me cry. i'm not allowed to make any mistakes, i have to be perfect all the time, see everything. and i can't, i'm not good enough for her, or for anyone. rose never tells me anything. mike is gunna stop caring. sammie hates me. AND I CAN'T STOP FREAKIN CRYING

feel about the same, managed a bit of veggie and about 4 peices on pasta. I said to mum she can freeze it and then i'll eat tomorow (ugh). It's not that i don't like the pasta, i love it. just.. don't wanna eat. I did earlier and i dunno why, i wasn't even hungry, it was just something to do i suppose..
I decided to give myself permission to cry.. nothings happening. woop, we're back here again. not so great. I dunno why i'm like this. i really don't, and as much as it's sounds like i do, i guess i can' really blame anyone. this is me.. not anyone else, i'm like this, i don't know why, but i am. That's some of the reason that i don't tell people, cuz if they think i'm miserable they don't tell me stuff, and they might think that means that they can't tell me anything. so.. i dunno. And thern they worry and i don't want them to Or they blame themselves, which is definatly worse, because that means i'm making other people sad, not just myself. So yeah.. i think it's better being how i am. I mean, if nothing else i have this blog, and i tell it everything, in a lot of ways i think that i shouldn't, but i'm going to. it's my.. outlet.

I haven't enjoyed today that much. BAsically have sorted Karly out around her Amber Root stuff. She had to idea about what was happening with any of it and as the school is to stupid to realise that she needs a TA me and Rose had to sort it out. Have fely wierd today. I have a horrible feeling in my stomach that I hate. I just makes me worried all the time and like I just wanna stay in this room forever. I also ate laods earlier and now I feel sick. I just wanna be normal. John's 6th form interveiw was today and no one told my mum so he didn't have any of the stuff he needed which doesn't look good. The school are so crap, so now me and mum are worried about that which isn't great. And I'm worried about mike because he doesn't know why but a part of him wants to try smoking. He said he wasn't gunna tell me cuz I'd worry but i made him, so it's my own fault. I spose at least now I'm worried for reasons.
I feel like I'm gunna cry. More nosey stuff today with Mr L "What Do You Do When You're Angry!" hahaha, like i'm gunna tell them. Tho we managed to get out of it in the end because we wanted to help karly with her interview for tomorow. Part of my wonders if her parents even know that she is going to South Devon College tomorow. They don't seem to do much. Speaking of ger parents, that's another thing, i was talking to karly in PE and and.. well bascially when she is happy she gets really really hyper, and i mean, it is kinda annoying, but it's a hell of a lot better than when she is in a strop and she was saying to me about how her being hyper is a bad thing, and i asked why she thought that, and she said that her mum and dad told her it was. I know that she can be a bit wierd, but i don't think it is exactly right for parents to tell their kids that them being happy is a bad thing. But probably don't know what I'm on about, i'm usually wrong really. I feel so.. argh, i know i say this to much, but sick of being me. THere really isn't anything about me i even remotely like. I get stressed easily. I'm fat and ugly. Just.. argh. And I'm crap at everything, people expect me to be good and drama and english because my mum is. But I'm not. I should just stay in bed all the time. It would make more sense. And the one thing that I felt actually worth somehting doing.. the people turned out not to care and i can't go this year anyway. i just wanna cry and katie won't leave me alone. mike's upset and i can't help. my stomach is starting to hurt. There probably isn't any point in letting myself cry, i'll only have mad crying fit for 5 minutes then just feel sick for a few hours. I spose I may as well just hold it in. The thing is, with today, my mind hasn't really come off it, every few seconds I have to stare into space this horrible feeling is in my mind. I also can't get something I saw on Comic Relief of Friday out of my head. It was this mother whose 3 year old had just died, saw the baby die aswell. Then i feel even worse because everyone there is being ok, and i should be..i just.. can't be for some reason. And I don't think i even wanna talk about it with anyone anymore. No one gets it. They get mad at me for being sad. Or just get bored with me telling them.
Oh god katie SHUT UP "i'm surprised you like me actually" i don't like her. i want her to LEAVE ME ALONE. but i can't tell her that, so i spose i'd better think of something to answer with. The load of one word answers she's had you'd think would give her the hint but apprently not. I bet in a minute I'll get " are you sure you're ok" hahahahaha. Someone is online that i could IM. i just.. she has a lot of things going on. Someone else I used to fel i could IM.. not anymore. Mike doesn't wanna talk, and he's down atm anyway so i guess moaning at him isn't a good idea.
shutupshutup katie, her last 4 answers have ben "lol" she must be getting the messgae by now, but then she does love talking about herself, so i guess i can't expect her to shut it. I don't know if i've ever seen 5 minutes where she doesn't mention herself. Tho, readint his blog, i guess that could be seen as me being a hyprocrite, but seeing as this is MY blog, i think i just might be intitled to talk about myself a bit. This is almost making me laugh now, she really doesn't seem to get it, I'm tempted to block her, i really am.. oohh, i message I can't think of an answer too, finallly. I think I might just stop replying. Hopefully then she won't ask me if she has annoyed me, how am i meant to answer that? Plua, if i block her, i don't know how to unblock her. I spose i could do one of those really oh feel sorry for be type away mrssages people do, but then everyone would ask me what was wrong and as much as i go on about people not wanting to know, i actually don't wanna tell anyone anyway. I mean, i know that people care about me, but when i talk to my mum she worries, and she has enough to worry about without having me to aswell, either that or she gets cross or something.
Oh god. i have to go and eat, joy of joys (not) . I wonder how little i can get away with? hmm...
anyway, i guess i'd better go, more later maybe..

feeling crappy. I was sorta ok. Mum loved her prezzies which was good and made me happy. But basically someone was talking to me about someone really pretty and it justmade me think about the way I look and stuff. And the guy i like that really obviously likes his really prey girl in my science class. I guess I may as well give up on him. Well, i kinda have, but it hasn' stopped me liking him which is annoying. I wish I could tho, because it's making me feel so amazingly crappy. I don't wanna like him, well, i did, cuz we used to get on really really well. But now.. foof. I don't really know what happened. He just doesn't talk to me anymore. And whenever I talk to him I sound like an idiot. So yeah.. i give up.

Feeling a little bit better not (got distracted form writing lol) Not great, but not quite as sad as i did about 10 mins ago. I've sort of run out of things to say. i'm gunna go.
bye..

I actually did just read back a bit over my blog. I wish I hadn't.
I was going on about Hugh upsetting John, but I seem tyo be doing it all the time. I just don't have any patience anymore..

I think I am addicted to blogging. I never knew I could ever keep up a diary for such a long time. This is my 104th entry. I would look over the things that have happened for memories and stuff but I can't be bothered. The most major problem with the new computer is that is has to be the slowest thing in the known universe. And I don't think it's all because we still have dial up. It's got even worse since we put all of the virus protection on it. But at least we won't be getting any viruses. Actually, i don't think it would be possible to, the virus would probably have gone out of date before the e mail actually opened. ARGH. Bebo is so annoyingggggggg. It tooks years to load and then when i wanted to change my user name the one I wanted was taken anyway. I wonder if the person who stole it from my brain (well, Rose's actually, as she thought of it.) Has the same t-shirt as me..
Did anyone watch the RND stuff on tv last night? I did, part of me wishes that I hadn't. The videos were so sad. And I had to try not to cry because everyone was in the room and when I cry people never leave me alone even tho want them to. Also I think I must be the only person on the planet that doesn't fine Little Britain funny. It's just all a bit.. boring. And repetetive. Catherie Tate was pretty funny tho. I guess.. I think maybe I just have a different sense of humor to everyone else. Well, Rose gets my jokes (sometimes after about 5 minutes). But the thing is neither of us are like.. saying jokes every 5 seconds or anything, but we always seem to be laughing. I guess that is the really kewl thing about Rose, she makes me laugh so I don't feel all crap. I think people are begining to think it is a bit wierd. But since when is anything actually normal? It never has been, and I really doubt it's ever going to be. I wonder if Lara is as mad as she used to be... I doubt it, I expect she hangs around with the chav people and makes jokes that aren't funny. Actually, I'm not going to think about her because it makes me miserable.
I don't really know why I'm still typing. I think it's basically because once I stop then I have nothing to do, apart from wait for my dad to arrive so I an go to his and be bored out of my mind.
Mothers day tomorow. Got something last week when dad dragged me out into PLymouth where I saw the Infamous Devil dancing down the road and burst out laughing but no one had a clue what I was laughing at. Anyway, I got her a cople of candles. It sounds really crap so I'm kinda worried. But she really likes candles and stuff and so she hopefully will be happy. And I think we might take her out to coffee somewhere. John said he thought M day was next week because he was in a mood. I dunno what about. Probably a bit of dust flew the wrong way. I'm horrible. But I don't care. It's easier, at least I'm not being horrible to their faces, and they aren't ever going to read this either so it doesn't matter. I wouldn't want them to read it. because then they would know how I feel about stuff and go all funny with me. I had a diary once that my mum found and she got really mad at me because it said a lot of things that I wasn't very happy about. So I guess ifit looks like anyone is going to find this I'll have to delete it. Not that I'd want to. Tho I have thought about it a few times, when I was really sad for no reason.
My arm aches. I think I slept on it. I don't get that tho. How can you fall asleep on your arm??! You'd think that I'd wake up and notice but I didn't. I'm such a freak.

Argh @ today. have been off with karly all day and then she asked me why I wasn't being nice as she is making the effort. Like yesterday suddenly doesn't matter, i don't forget stuff as easily as she obviously does. And I'm mad at John aswell. Mum was yelling at me because we were late, yeah, it was my fault, but it had happened, i can't take it back, so why get mad? Anyway, basically, when mum had FINALLY stopped having a go at me, John goes "oh, sorry, it's my fault for not getting up early enough"
O.M.G
He did it because he KNEW that mum would then say "oh, it wasn't" and then start yelling at me again (which she did) NO ONE believes me. They think that John is prefect and that he can't help it and that he's sweet and everything. But he's EVIL!!!!!!!! Actually, Rose believes me, she says that Alife is the same, and then kater when i tried to point out to my mum what John does she completly blanked me, which pissed me off even more.
I bet everyone on here thinks I'm horrible.
Oh god, just put it into chat and now I'm being had a go at. No one thinks about it the way that I do, nobody sees it the way I do except Rose.
I think I'd better go before I sound even moe horrible
XxXxXxXxXxXx

Omg, ok, no one faint, but I'm actually alright today. I haven't really had a chance to sit and think about me, so I'm ok. Tho I think my english teacher now thinks I'm a raving looney (he's not wrong). Basically me and Rose were trying to ask a question about what we were doing but we kept getting really confused about what we were asking, so it basically ended up mad laughing. He's kewl tho, cuz he laughed aswell and didn't get mad which was kewl. Argh, we had a sex ed session today. It was EXCRUCIATING. I was really realy bad. And now I'm never gunna be able to watch Star Wars again. Majorly bad chat up lines:
"Hey, I can teach you how to Obi Wan Kinobi, I've got a bit lightsaver feel the force uh."
Seriously bad.
And John's in London, he gets to go and see Blood Brothers, so me and my mum went out for coffe after school, it was nice, cuz even tho we're both pretty woried aout John, it wasn't stressful and it was nice being able to talk to her about my day without getting told that that the radio wasn't loud enough and getting intterupted every 5 seconds. ARGH. Speaking of talking (venting) Karly is REALLY annoying me!!!! She is EXACTLY like John. So it's like i never gte a break. Cuz John shoves you into stuff when he gets mad at you, and so does Karly. And everything has to be about her all the time, she's allowed to wind us uyp and everything, but then wehn we do anything to her she throws a major strop. And I just can't be bothered to be patient with her anymore. I'm becoming such a horrible person. I mean, i didn't like me before.. but now... argh. AND I have to work with Luke in music for some reason and he never does anything, so i have to try and be patient and not be nasty (it's SO hard).
Argh, i'm depressing myself. It's so stupid, I'm alright until I think about myself and stuff. If i wasn't me a reakon I'd be fine. lol.

Feel bad now, turned out Robyn was having technical probs. And she told me to leave Lara to play "silly litle mind games" heh.
It's wierd, i don't cry properly when i cry, i mean i do have times where i go on and on and can't stop, but for the last feww days i've just had about 5 mintues when i sit and cry and then try and sort myself out. It isn't really working tho. And something stupid happened in chat. Everything.
Argh, Robyn is depressing me. She's been asked out 2 times in the last 2 weeks. Big woop. god I'm horrible. It isn't on purpose. I wasn't always a bitter depressing 14 year old.
My eyes hurt. At least I had an excuse to take off my makeup, so you can't really tell that I was crying and stuff. I think I should givce up on apprearence, cuz like.. I'm ugly anyway, and then earlier I made the effort the starighten my hair and ended up sprayong heatprotection spray in my eye. That might also be why it hurts. For some reson I thought I was putting the lid on because it wasn't down properly, but when all the stuff squirted in my eye i kinda firgured it out.
Omg. SATs in 6 weeks. I ca't believe it!!! only 6 weeks. oh crap i hear feet, not sure weather I'm meant to be online or not
better go.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXx

woooooooooo.
hehe, wouldn't it have been even better if i'd felt ok for it? tbh sammie is scaring m and i dunno what to do. I won't get to see HP till saturday and i feel all wierd about lara asking how i was to my mum. I mean, why?? Why now?? after ditching me for no reaosn. I mean, sh didn't say i wanna be friends or something. just thefact that she ask after me
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
aergh, i think i'm gunna go
bye.

I hope you all missed me lots. Basically my computer blew up. Also, in a lot of ways, i think it's good that I haven't been here this last week. It's been bad. The things I feel have got worse and I haven't really known what to do a lot of the time. So.. I think it's a good thing i wasn't writing, because basically I'd be saying stuff i didn't wanna say but would have ended up saying it out of the need to tell something. If you see what I mean.
And now..? I feel better than I have done, but I still constantly feel like I'm panicking about something, Just dunno what. And for a while my mum wasn't going to sort out the computer, and then I really started to freak because then I wouldn't really have anyone.
God, the computer. It breaking caused more than a bit of stress. it didn't work. Then mum couldn't remeber her passoword, and then, finally (the thing that made her loose it A LOT) was when the virus protection wouldn't install. She got really really mad and I left pretty quickly. In the end I heard things breaking so I thought I would go back.. bad idea. A chair nearly hit me. It wasn't on purpose and she didn't mean it. And she felt really really bad after wards, so I also felt really bad (i had to make everything worse and cry, so she thought it was cause she got cross when it was actually cause I didn't know what I was gunna do without everybody. Sad, i know.) And then in the end I sorted that out.
Heh, also yesterday my 'friend' said, "I'm glad I'm npt as tall as you, it makes you look all stupid and gangly." and then when she realised what she had said she was stuuring on about something for ages. I don't mind. I know I look stupid, I just wish that people wouldn't say it.

I bet you've all missed my moaning so much XD

haha, yesterday, i had to do a sheet about "What I do when I am stressed" like I can really write anything.

Besides, what does it have to do with them anyway?

I spose I could have said I moan at everyone on my blog..

Today was pretty bad. I got really upset second lesson. Stupid science teacher tried to make us all get weighed and when i refused he went all stupid and patronising. I hate how i look and wiegh and everything, so why can't he just leave me alone? And so when he goes " why don't you want to?" (that basically means the same speech i have heard thousands of times is coming again, i said "look, i've had this lecture a thousand times and i realy can't be bothered to liste to it again" and then he acts as tho he doesnt have a clue what i'm talking about and says that he was just asking a question. So i just pointed out that he new exactly what the answer was. Then he went off. I don't care tho. I hate how I look, but I'm not gunna talk about it with him.. so yeah, not sucha great day. Oh yeah, and the computer is breaking, which really helps.

School was.. average I guess. Nothing really happened. I ended up talking a bit about yesterday, but, tbh, that's only really a fraction of everything. I think I feel a bit better today. I mean, I'm not at the can't ever stop crying fase anymore, which I guess is a good thing, and I'm not shaking or anything. I still feel kinda worried and the whole empty feeling is there again. I've thought about Detling a lot again recently. I loved that week. Well, i loved it, but at the same time it was really emotional and I was having a lot of problems at the time. And, it did kinda cause a really long spell of just NEVER being happy ever at all. But I dunno.. I guess that was dissapoinment at things being over taken to the extreem. Well, and it is the only place I've ever really felt part of something. And I liked that, the whole feeling of actually have a reason to get up in the mornings (even if that getting up was in a freezing cold tent). Whereas here.. what is there? I know I'm lucky and everything, it's just.. I can't think of anything that I actually do, I have no purpose, I'm just.. here. I know this is pretty depressing, but wooo a day here. Pull myself out of bed and go to school, or spend long weekends doing nothing because no one can be bothered to take me over to Totnes and for I never have any money for a bus not that my mum would trust me to take the right one anyway. So, i get up, get annoyed because i can't do my homework, think everything is amazingly pointless come on here then go to bed.
arent i a great person?
lol.

Cried tonight. Must be the first time that I have since last summer. I feel equally better and worse I guess. Worse, because my mum is blaming everything that's "wrong with me" on her. It's no ones fault, and people saying that they haven't done enough makes me feel worse. I made my mum cry. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
it's no on purpose, trust me, i'd be normal if i could. I just odn't feel happy a lot, am argument set me off tonight, but a lot of the time I feel sad for no reason. And I can never be bothered with anything anymore. I'm SO saick of feeling like this. I want someone offline to talk to. Cuz, i obvioucly can't talk to mum, i new that already tho. And no one else oculd acre less. Argh, am gunna get yelled at if i dont't go to bed in a sec. Atm no one's up here. so i'm ok
argh
feet
bye

I feel… Sorta okish. Guilty. And worried, I don’t know why I’m worried, and I guess the fact that I apparently am for no reason is worrying me because now I’m worried that something is going to happen. If you see what I mean. Guilty, well, cause of yesterday, I know I can’t let myself get all into doing that. I just felt so low and on my own. And I guess, that helped, dunno why, but it did. Also feel annoyed. Mum is on the phone so I can’t get on the internet (am doing this via word, so I can copy it in). I know that we should just get broadband, but there are so many people complaining and saying theirs doesn’t work and stuff that mum decided that she can’t be bothered with it, so, we have to keep going like this, i.e. Hugh getting mad at me cuz he can’t phone mum when he wants. Annoyingly mum gave him my addy so now he can e mail me telling me to get off the comp or else. Heh, if I wanted to be really annoying an stroppy teenagerish I could ignore the mail. Hehe, I think I might do that. Cuz I’m kinda mad at him, not that he knows that, mainly cuz I haven’t seen him for over 5 mins in about a week, and anyway, I can’t be bothered. Basically, he said to my mum “you can carry on like you are, but I don’t want to be like this anymore.” I wasn’t there when he said it, else he would have regretted it. But I can’t believe he said that. What is it to do with him how we live our lives? He upsets John allllllllllllllllllllllll the time and then doesn’t get why he gets mad and starts hitting an biting himself and why I spend all my time on the internet cuz frankly I can’t be bothered with it anymore. But, then, why should I expect him to know or care? Gods knows. I just don’t see the point in him. All he does is cause problems. But, again, I could say that 500 times over while hanging upside down off the ceiling and no on would listen to me.
I wonder if Robyn feels better today.. She was upset because someone asked her out and when she said no he looked really upset. I didn’t really know what to say. And before that I didn’t either (she told someone she liked him and it turned out he didn’t feel the same). All I could say was he’s probably gay. Well, tbh, he probably is. She’s really pretty, funny and everyone is in love with her. They were here and from what she says, they are there as well. I wanted to point that out to her, but I thought that it would sound really bitter. Which, I’m not really, I just sound it sometimes. Tho, I’ve been told I’m really bitter. Must stop blaming everything on my form teacher…
But, what else are form teachers for? Any suggestions? Argh, hopefully my mum will be off the phone by now, else I might have to politely unplug it….

She wasn’t off the phone. I tried sighing really loudly a couple of times but she ignored me. Bored bored bored bored bored. And its 4:15, chat will be open by nowwwww. I could be missing time with HP, tho I don’t actually know if her chat room is open yet. John is revising next door, else I’d go and try and keep myself occupied by unbordifying him. I feel weird and miserable and hyper and happy.. and my stomach hurts. Argh, I’m so annoying. Ahh well.. anyone every felt like that tho? A part of me just feels like being annoying, and being horrible and stuff. I think that would make me feel a hell of a lot better. But, as I said, John’s revising and Hugh isn’t here. That leaves my mum, but I get the feeling she’s in a bit of a mood over the sighing thing, so I think I’ll leave her alone.
Ooooooooh, and I have another thing to feel bad about (lolol) I was doing doing stuff od my food tech proj and now I have found out I have the worst diet in the universe and I need to exercise more. But, the fact is, crap is nice and I can’t be bothered to do anything that takes up any energy. I think my 2 hours of sleep last night agrees. Lying awake at night must be one of the crappiest things everrrrrrrr. I hate it. And it makes me feel like crap all day, or like I’ve been sat on several times. Not that I could say that wouldn’t happen. Not with John around anyway..

She’s still on the phone, dunno what the amazingly exciting thing they are talking about is. Don’t even know who it is. I could pick up the other phone and eavesdrop but it goes all echoey so you can tell someone is listening. And if she’s talking to Hugh I really don’t get the excitement. This is the man that stops at the side of the road to go and look at a house that isn’t built yet.
Goddddddddd, I’m so horrible. I would say when did this happen. But, as I’m sure I’ve said. I’ve always been like this. I think I might go and find something to eat. Actually, that probably isn’t very healthy. And anyway, what do we have? Carrots? No thanks. Hmmm.. I might go and make myself a snack thingy. Who knows? I might invent a new food
ha ha.

Feel a bit better. Everything earlier.. argh. I just don't know anymore hald the time. A lot of this, i look back at what i've written and I try an think that this isn't me. But it is, and I hate that. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to need to do these things just to to calm myself. I'm sick of being how I am. I just want.. argh, i don't know. Somthing. I guess I have to work out what it is. HP was lovely tonight. She really helped, and it was nce that I could talk to her, i really luff her to peices, and I don't know where I'd be without her. Sammie doesn't seem to be mad at me. Which is great and everything. But I have felt so bad all day because of one e mail. It sucks.
Finally told Mike about all Katie's lying. To start off with he only sauid "oh" so i thought he hates me, which was actually why I didn't tell him in the first place. But, then he asked me why i didn't tell him. And I didn't know what t say, so, in the end, I just told him that I thought that he would hate me. I know it shounds dumb. But I'm always going to be like that. I constantly think that everyone is gunna leave me. I don't really know why. Well, in some ways I do.. But, I've let it get way worse than it was.
lolol, Mike says he is on brb cuz he's looking for the moon. Well, look up, big silver thing? i pointed this out to him. He hasn't answered.
Hmm.. I want to keep typing, because if I'm doing this then my mum won't kick me off.
Argh @ John. I wish he'd stop all of this self biting stuff. I hope mum asks them about that at the discovery Centre. Because i can't watch it for much longer. I hate having to see him thrumping himself in the head and not being able to stop him. Argh, and then when you try to phisically stop him, he ends up thumping me. Sigh. Tbh, most of the time it does't actually hurt. But, it makes me want to cry all the same.
Hmm.. had better go, I've got a thumping headache. Think I'm gunna go to bed.
Night Night all xxx

I did it again. I know that I shouldn't have. But it's one thing that I can control. It's something that I do for me. No one else knows, so it's not like they are going to worry.
It's just, nothing is in my control anymore. I can't do anything without worrying. Everyone gets mad at me and makes me worry. And this is one thing about myself that I control. And it isn't as thought it's something that I've picked up from other people. No. I've always done it a bit. When I was little and I got frustrated. usually after I' got sent to my room after standing up to John or something. And I dont acre if it's selfish. I want something to clam me down. This does. There isn't anyone that I can honestly talk to about everything. Cuz they would get worried and stuff. That is, if they listened to me anyway.
So.. yeah.

Argh, I sill can't get rid of this stupid worried feeling. I was begining to get it under control then I had to go and read my e mail. Sammie's upset with me =( i think I didn't say bye last night or something. Noooo, the last thing I need is for her to be mad at me. Ahh well, I e mailed her back and stuff, so hopefully when she comes online later she'll be alright with me. I hope. This kinda thing happens to me a lot. I am focused on sorting one person out and then a few other people start to get mad at me. Like, last night, Mike was really upset cause he is having a lot of problems with his girlfriend, and so I was talking with him a lot. I wasn't not talking with everyone else, it just took a while to answer. And I had to go kinda quick, so I just said one big bye (and a cxouple of things to Mike) rather than saying it to everyone individually. Sigh. Can't do anything right anymore. Being online used to be a place I could go to escape but recently all that happens is that I end up feeling worse. LIke, people chucking my friendship nack in my face and saying I@m ignoring them all the time. It is just a bit hard, I can't always do everything. Not that any of them know because they haven't really let me tell them, but I just don't feel right atm. So I've got a shorter temper and everything. But, I can't say that, they have worse problems than me, I know. I just feel really on my own sometimes. I know I'm not really. It's just, I can't really really talk to anyone, because they all have their own lives, I know.
The last thing I needed was that e mail. I wish she knew me well enough to know I wouldn't have done it on purpose. Everyone was yelling at me to go downstairs and stuff, and JOhn comes in and starts yelling at me really loudly if I don't go quickly and I had a headache anyway. Not that any of this will matter, I'll just be making excuses.
Argh, sorry, I jusr feel even worse now.

I had the day off school today, cuz of the parents day thing. It's kewl, i haven't had to do anything all day cuz my meeting thing was last night. Hmmm.. I can never decide about this song. At the same time it makes me happy, cuz I really like it, but it makes me sad, cuz i relate to bits of it, and in some ways, i wish that I didn't. It's, LostProphets - For All These Times Son, For All These Times. I LOVE the LostProphets. They are sooo amazing. But, MCR are still my favourite. I might delete there band thingy off my bebo tho, cuz it got hacked and now it's all annoying. I don't really see the point in all that.
We had to take Braney to the vet today (my dog) and he might have arthrightus. Not fair. He's so lovely and he really doesn't deserve to be in pain.We have been given some painkillers to give him, and they might have bad side effects, and then if he gets really bad when we take him off them (after 10 days) then he'll have to stay on them. Argh. I wish he was just ok, i love him to peices.
Oooooh, and thanks to everyone that has added me. This probably sounds lame, but it makes me feel all smiley. I spose it just feels nice that someone took the time to read the wierd things that I write about. And I do read comments, I'm just never sure if anyone will read replies and stuff, but I think I'm just going to reply to them anyway from now on.
Argh, I have loads of Food Tech proj to do that I can't be bothered with it. I'm supposed to have been doing it for over a month now, but it's boring. I only took it this year because everyone else was. As far as all techs are conerned I am terrible. But, so far nothing has blown up, so I have to be ok with that I guess..
There's something comforting about typing, I don't really know what, it is just a rhytmic thing I suppose. And I am wayyyy better than I used to be, a lot of the words that I type still come out in a mess, but I can't type with more than 2 fingers now. lol.
Oooh, different song, I'll have to change the cd in a sec. I love this song, but i DOES make me sad, it's Always Always (Apologies, Glances And Messed Up Chances). I love LostProphets, and I would love to see them live. Hmm... they are actually one of the a few bands that I don't have on my wall. I mostly have MCR stuff. And I have the one that was in k! this week. I couldn't decide between that one and Matthew Bellamy (he's on the other side) but Gerard Way looks particulary amazing in the photo, so i thought I have him up for now. But then, Matt Bellamy did wirte Invincible. Argh, I love that song so much, for anyone that hasn't, you really need to listen to it. Mike has got me really into Muse, and him forcing me to play Invincible all the time and made me listen to it properly, and the words are so AMAZING!!!!
anyway, I'm off
bye xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Helllooo. Today has been wierd. It has been one of those days when you can't stop laughing even tho you really really should just shut up. Good mood went for a couple of hours, but, it's kinda back now. I want to go back into that laughing constantly mood. It's wierd, but sometimes, me and Rose walk around, and loads of stupid funny stuf seems to be happening. A lot of the time to do with the Infamous devil tho. I think we'll have to try and not laugh everytime we see him, i think he may be getting a bit paranoid. I guess it's just some people you can't help laughing at. Like.. ooh, i know, that guy form Ghost Busters. What's his name... Dr Vinkman? Somthing like that anyway. Oooh, I feel like watching Ghost Busters now. I wonder if we all would if i went and suggested it. Nah, i doubt it. Aww, Mike signed off and I didn't say bye. Hmph. Oh well.. Argh, and I think Katie is feeding me a load of scary lies. Argh. Why can't things be easy? Ahh well, i don't think I can be bothered to get tooupset about it. I think it's an excuse for not being online much anymore. Apprently she is going mad. Argh. Nice to know. I'm so horrible, it's just.. after everything with Shona, I find people on here harder to trust, and as for the whoole rape thing Katie told me last time. Argh, you get the results on the same day when someone like that happens. I guess I may as well go along with it. I will miss her tho, when she isn't lying to me about stuff, she is a really nice person. Argh, I hate the fact that she can go on and on about depression (sorry, just, no) and people like my mum have gone thru it. It sucks. And everything that happenened when all that got... Argh, i don't want to talk about that realy, and anyway, i can't. Cuz it's more my mum's buisness. But, basically, some things happened, and when I was getting really upset (i would be, i was 10 for gods sake) Hugh told me it was all my fault. So, yeah. It pisses me off a lot. Argh, shut uo katieeeeeeeeeeee. No. I'm not going to let myself get annoying. Am tempted to e mail HP. but, i can't moan at her, and whatever happens I won't be able to talk to her till Saturday. God, i miss her like mad. I want to tell her about everything that's happened this week, and she isn't always that chatty. Ahh well, I'll tell her anyway, even if she doesn't really answer I know that she is happy for me. Cuz she is like that. OOooh, seems as tho Katie is leaving. Argh, I accidently made her talk about her boyfriend. I wonder if he exsists....
Hmm.. I think i might do a bit oh other peoples blog reading. byeeeeee xxxxxxxx.

Argh, ok, GCSE choices done and given in.

Choice one (it has to be an arts subject btw)
Media studies (really really really hope i get it)

2. Child development

3. Spanish (for starters)

4. R.E (apprently it's good if you want to go into a job wanting to work with people, and seeing as I want to go into nursing it think it's a good idea)

second choices.

1. Health and social care

2. Art

argh, why do i still have to be worried?
branflakes make good comfort food =S