Angst? Me? Never.

Reason (Give me your hand).

I can’t work out just how I’m feeling
When did I start to feel so alone?
Where are you now?
I am falling
My voice lost so I can’t scream
My angels run away but I don’t know where to find them
It’s closing in
Yeah, it’s coming for me
I am falling

Where? Will this black hole end?
I’m swallowed up by darkness
Again and again and again
How? How can I bet saved?
Please give me your hand now
Give me a reason

I’m swimming in my nightmares
Where have my feelings gone?
And now my private heaven
Torn by reality
Please find your way home now
Cuz I’m still falling
I want to be held, but left in my corner
You make me run away
So I’ll watch from here
I can’t stop falling

Where? Will this black hole end?
I’m swallowed up by darkness
Again and again and again
How? How can I be saved?
Please give me your hand now
I need a reason

Falling away from you, you are fading away
How can you all lie?
I need you tonight
Please stop these nightmares I can’t hide behind them
Fading away
Give me a reason

Where? Will this black hole end?
I’m swallowed up by darkness
Again and again and again
How? How can I bet saved?
Please give me your hand now
Give me a reason
I need a reason

I have fallen

Y’know, despite everything yesterday, I still feel selfishly miserable. I guess that I can’t be mad at people for not being who I thought they were. I guess I don’t really blame them for not wanting to listen to me. Hmm… From now on I think I’ll try and not have any expectations of anybody, then I don’t have to spend so much time feel disappointed about everything. I think I’ll post the song that I wrote a couple of days ago, it’s crap. But I want to have my thoughts on here. So, I’m gunna post it Will just have to think of a name..

Just made this up –

“Okay.. so, if this is a fairytale, are you my prince or the wicked witch come to make my life hell forever?”

(Sneer)

“I might but one I might be neither. But, who said you were the princess?”

Actually, I don’t know if I made it up, but I thought of it, so I partly did.

Yesterday. Wow.
ok.. here we go.
Basically, JOhn had his statment review meting yesterdat morning and mum told me that she ended up doing a lot of shouting. OMG @ what we found out. The school aren't actually allowed to tell us how John is really doing. It is their job to sugar coat everything and tell us things are going fine when it is so obvious that they aren't. It always sounds to is as tho John is fine at school and only ever seems to have any problems at home. After a talk mum had with a TA we found out this wasn't true. He noticed a lot of the things that we have, he just isn't technically 'allowed' to say so. So, we were givining up. The NHS are crap. School is crap. (this sounds like some cheesy fairy story LOL) And then when we were waiting to meet John (he a this after school revision thingy) she rang up Docter Kerby. She is the woman that runs the discorvery centre in Wales. And mum told her everything, all john's problems and everything that had happened at school and with all the docters. And then she said sorry for the whole of the NHS (!) like she should have to do it. And then said (omg this is the best bit) that she will let us go up for free and give us some help if we tell our story and help her with her research!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, it is so amazing, someone FINALLY cares about us and wants to help. She is amazing and definatly the best docter in the world. So, in the next few weeks, I'm going to Newport. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I don't spose anyone is really as excited as I am, I don'y really expect anyone to be, tho, I have to admitt I would like them to be. But this is sooooo amazing. Argh, tbh, that's all I can say about it.
And, the sweet thing is, Geena got really really happy when I told her about it. It was really sweet, because she seemed to be the only one as happy as I was about everything. She understand, because her older brother has some problems aswell. And she really listened to me yesterday and today (I talked to her about everything before it got amazing yesterday) And I just think it is really sweet, because she has a lot of problems of her own, but she still wanted to listen to me. I hope that her problems are a bit sorted soon, one of them is that her 8 month old neice is really sick. It's really sad that things like this happen. I'm glad I know her. She is actually the only person that I've told who sounded interested in what I was saying.

Something amazingly amazing has happened. Got to go. More tomorow.

Mum’s crying now. We can’t really deal with this anymore. I don’t see why there is no help. Nobody ever helps. And people never help. They always say “None for this age group. Sorry” Yeah right. And they say that Aspergers isn’t really very bad. Well, it isn’t very good either. Everything was pretty hard before. But now? It is pretty much impossible. We can’t do everything forever. There is a girl that was working in Trago Mills who has the same thing, and she just lost her job because she can’t do it like they want her to. I think that’s horrible. And now it seems like he isn’t going to be able to get a job. And I also know I shouldn’t really talk about this, but we have no money. Mum might not have any work anymore in 3 moths time, I’m gunna loose all my benefits when I’m 16 and John might not get into 6th form. He wants to go. And we need him to go. The thing that no one can really understand is that he can’t really occupy himself. He needs to have someone making sure he is ok and not bored. Else he gets in a really bad mood. Or just asks to go out all the time. And mum can’t do that. I can’t either, because he won’t let me. I can’t play the big sister roll. I’m younger. He doesn’t want me to. I mean, I can sometimes keep things up for about a morning but he always gets bored with me after a while, also, I have other stuff to do. And sometimes I’m in a bad mood. But that part is just selfish. I am selfish. I know. But, I’m working on it. And half the time he is going to be at home I’ll be at school anyway. Argh, I hate his TA. What is the point in having a job like that if you aren’t going to do it properly? I just don’t get it. There is a place near us called the John Parks Unit. It’s the place that is meant to help but doesn’t. He used to have play therapy there when he was younger and stuff. And they said there wasn’t any help, but the is a girl near us with dyspraxia (John also has that) and they put her on a course to help. How come no one ever bothers when it comes to us? It isn’t fair. I want someone to care. Why does it have to be us against everybody all the time? Is it really so hard for someone to come out of nowhere and sort everything out. I want to cry really. Mum is. But, still. Eyes completely dry. I feel sick. I won’t be this time tho, I have longer to write and say how I feel. I still want to cry tho, because even if people think it doesn’t help it really does. Try not having cried for the amount of time I haven’t. It really hurts. I feel like a have a not in my stomach. All the time. And I can’t even deal with half the stuff I am freaking about and all it keeps doing is getting worse. And I can hear my mum now telling Hugh pretty much what I am saying.
No one helps.
Argh, I want to talk to someone, I want someone to be here now that can give me a hug. I would ask my mum but she is crying as it is and I have to sort her out. I will try to in a minute anyway. She is talking to Hugh atm. I have to pretend I am better as well. I have to be fine, because she has just said about a load of things that she is worried about and I know the only reason that I’m not on it is because I am sat here and can hear her.
Ok
From now on I have to sort out everything that is wrong with me on here, because I don’t want to worry anyone. I can’t. I want to be the person everyone can rely on, not the one that is making people worry. Tho, I know, at the same time as saying that I am saying I want someone to worry enough to ask me what is wrong and give me a hug. But then, if they did, I would hate myself for worrying and think that they would go away constantly, cuz all there would be is a million and one things wrong with me. I think I can be ok on my own tho; I’ll probably end up splurging it all out to someone in the end. Probably someone online. And now Hugh is making mum feel worse. Because he wants to go away all the time. What’s wrong with him? Has he not listened to anything that she has said? She is worried and crying down the phone to him and he is still nagging her about the holiday situation!!!!!!!!!!?! But that is probably just me wanting to see the worst in him; I just have to brain to see he is a twat. Is that really such a bad thing? I wish I didn’t get so angry about everything. I can’t help it now. But I don’t scream and shout like mum and John do. I want to, but I obviously can’t so I may as well get on with things the way that they are. Well, that isn’t exactly true, I have yelled at the chavs a few times. But that was their own faults. I hope that they aren’t mean tomorrow; I don’t think that I can deal with that. I know that sounds all stupid and dramatic. But I can’t help it. It’s how I feel. And I can’t seem to tell anyone else properly so I’m going to say it on here. Now I’m sort of running out of things to type. I guess what I really want to say is that I want to be normal and feel properly happy again. I want to be able to be ok at school and then still be ok half and hour later. I always have something telling me things aren’t ok inside me, or someone around telling me I’m not ok. I just hate it. I want to be one of those amazingly confident pretty people. Not an ugly person that blushes all the time and can’t deal with anything. Saying that, at the same time I don’t want to be a pretty person. From things I have read all they go on about is how pretty they were and how big their tits look. And I defiantly DON’T want to be like that. I couldn’t be like that, I don’t see why anyone is like that or wants to be. I guess that’s why I’m ugly. But then, not all people are sluts. Just a certain kind of pretty people are I guess. No offence everybody. But, I actually don’t care what men like. Well, I do, but if it involves anything like that I wouldn’t get involved. I hate all that. I spose that is the thing that makes me a freak to everybody. Heh, I can’t believe I am saying this, but I would actually rather be me than someone like that.
See? This is how I’m selfish. I was talking about my family’s problems and now I’m suddenly talking about me again. Hmm.. Or am I just saying how I feel and that is a part of it?
Oh well, I’d better go, I’ve said way to much as it is.
XxXxXxXx

Today was.. wierd. I had a really good time in some ways, tho I still feel like absolute crap. This Infamous Devil (I have explained about him at some point, i swear I have) has a really really funny new haircut, which kept us occupied for a while. But now.. Things just got kinda bad. It turns out in his maths mock John only got 4/50 and he has his actual exam next week. And his crappy TA didn't think to tell my mum so she could help him revise and stuff. And there is this girl I know. I mean, she is really nice and everything, but everyone says that we look the same. When we really don't. And now she has practially the same haircut as me, and there are comments about how we look the same. I know it's stupid. But it annoys me a bit, because I don't want to look exactly the same as someone. I just feel really crap tonight. And I feel as tho I moan too much anyway, so I can't really tell anyone. And Maz is leaving AOL. I mean, i don't know her that well. But it just seems.. Well, i just don't get how people can leave, the only contact she has with us is thru AOL, and she obviously doesn't mind that much that she isn't ever going to speak to us again. But, she might not end up going. Who knows? But, still. It hurts the fact that people find it so easy. But, that's just me being selfish I guess. I think that the fact is, I always think people are going to leave me. It's cuz my best friend did. I don't get that either. One day it was heroff with someone else, something was going on "But I can't tell you" And then over. Ditched. And now, I'm like I am. And I don't care if to everyone else that is a stupid reason. It isn't to me. It still upsets me that someone can just stop caring like that.
But
Yeah
I know
Life.

I have to go back to school tomorow. I don't want toooooooooooo. And I still really don't feel well. BUT! Music And Lyrics is soooooooooo good. I loveeeeeee it. I want the dvd. heh heh, i get a note out of PE tomorow. Always good.
I just like being here. Being online. It's so much eaiser. I giess just because people have to get to know me for me. They don't just see the stupid person that's probably blushing because a new person spoke to her.
Hmmm..
I think i'm gunna go
Night night all xxx

Last night was fun when we were at Rose's house. Took my mind of the sicky feeling in my stomach for a while aswell. But, didn't last long, was sick in the stream just after I got home. I'm really annoyed with myself, it isn't a bug, i am okish now. But argh. I have managed not to do that since Detling now. And, then, it happens again. I am a hell of a lot better than I was, I mean, this used to happen pretty much weekly. It still shouldn't happen tho. I should be able to keep myself calm like everyone else does. And the worst thing is that I can't tell my mum why it really was. I just got really really mad about the whole her and Hugh thing. I know it isn't really anything to do with me, but it still annoys me. I hope I can talk to HP a bit today. I doubt I'll be able to tho, because chat is always really full, and anyway, why is she gunna want to hear about me being sick everywhere?
But, there is one good thing, it isn't a bug, so me and mum can still go out today. I doubt it'll be as fun as it was going to be, because I feel like absolute crap. But, it'll be just us, and John will have time just hom and dad. So, happy al round I guess..

I was so right. And I told John my thing that I said last night, and aww, he listned and said that I can tell him my other wierd theories cuz they make him laugh. So, yeah, someone cares. And I like that. But could hear them arguing about the Norway crap, so I turned my music up, granted, it sound terrible because the speakers are breaking. But who cares? It means I can't hear. I really hate this, i was ok 5 seconds ago, then I hear that and my stomach feels all tight and sicky. I wish they'd never got together n the first place, this'll lead to them breaking up and then us going off somewhere for a day and then we get back and he is here and it all starts all over again. pointless.

Can’t believe it’s already Thursday. Not fair. Half term has gone wayyyy too quick for me. I feel kinda rubbish as well. Typical I would get a crappy cold all over half term. It hasn’t made me feel too bad till today tho, which I spose is a good thing. This morning was fun, messed around for a while. Then in the afternoon it wasn’t so great, because mum and John were just dong homework forever. I managed to keep myself occupied. Straightened my hair for tomorrow night and everything. We’re going to Rose’s house for a meal thing, it would be boring, but, it’ll be fine because Rose is there, so I’ll have someone to talk to. And it’ll be nice for mum to talk to Sophie and stuff. Argh, I really don’t want to go back to school, I like being at home, it’s easier and I don’t have to do any work. Well…. I am technically supposed to be doing a food tech project, but, I’ll get round to starting it eventually.
Help, am kinda worried about tomorrow night, I always worry that I will have nothing to say and that I am just going to bore her to death. And, Rose wants me to go to this youth night at the gym, she said on a comment she left on Bebo that I had to go. Heh, will probably get out of it. I hope. I mean, it isn’t that I don’t want to go, because I really do, I just feel stupid and fat and like everyone will be wondering what I’m doing there. Rose is lucky and doesn’t have to worry about that. I want to look differenttttttt. Ahh well, when I’m old I’ll just go on a show like 10 Years Younger and then be made to look worse than I did before, but everyone’ll say I look fine so it’ll all be ok. And it isn’t as if I am ugly for a reason, I seriously doubt I am ever going to be some inspirational person that people look up to. Oh god. I bet I’ll end up being a politician. Huge sigh. Speaking of Huge, there is going to be another major battle here soon. Hugh’s going off to Norway for a weekend, and mum hates the fact that he is going away without her and so whenever he is here that is all they are going to argue about. And then when he isn’t here, I’ll probably get blamed for everything, not so that anyone actually says that I am blamed, but just so everyone being in a bad mood decides to yell at me. Because Hugh being stressed will make him have a go at John make mum cry and then make me want to scream at all of them and move to Barbados and live in a hut. Suddenly being a politician doesn’t sound so bad. But.. things aren’t so bad, it’s just, when all anyone ever does is argue and hate eachother it kinda shows me that I have absolutely no hope. All relationships seem to do is go wrong. Everyone fights. Everyone hates eachother, but that “love” eachother so they stay together for the sake of it, it’s pretty dumb really, seeing as all these stupid couples actually do is make eachother unhappy. Yes, I may be 14, but I am wise (hahahahahahahahahahaha).
So, I think that we should all give up on love, become politicians and have affairs with our PAs.
Oh great.

Hellooo. Am not really feeling so good today. Everyone as been stressed all day and they seem to take it out on me a lot. Mum said sorry, but I wouldn't expect John to. We made muffins this morning hehe. Well, mum stood there and talked to me while we tried to remember/make up the recipe. I know that it sounds lame and stuff, but it isn't always easy to just talk, so, sometimes doing wierd things like that helps. And we will definatly get a kinda relaxing day on Saturday cuz John said he'd go to dad's by himself. I wasnt really expecting him to, but I think that he likes having a bit of time just him and dad, dad'll like it too. It's wierd, I felt really mad and stuff earlier, but now I just feel kinda numb and crap. The headache I got left over with is gone tho, which is good, because I haven't got any painkillers left. I get headaches a lot, but, if I went to the docter (which mum made me do once) they just try and send me to a counceller and it's all "are you feeling a bit stressed?" it's always hard not to say yes, I really want to hit you. I'm fine, i know I'll work everything out evetually. I don't need some patronsing cow with bad sandals to do it. And you can't actually tell them anything anyway, because they say it gets to a stage where they have to tell your parents if they think you are in danger or whatever. So, you can't really tell anyone anything, because then they worry and tell someone. Plus, if I realy care about the person, I don't always want to tell them anyway.So, that leaves me here. And, if everyone doesn't, this is always gunna be where I say how I feel. This is the longest I have ever kept up a diary. Seems wierd, cuz when i started it, i didn't really think it would work. But it has, and, i like having a blog, and ty for saying it isn't boring. Must be annoying when I say i think it probably is. I don't mean it to be annoying, I spose I just worry that someone is thinking "god, when does she shut up??"
but, ty everyone for not syaing that =]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

lmaorofllol.

Did more cleaning today. This is getting boyond wierd now. I'm not ready the be a housewife! heh heh. I went on a load of blogs that i hadn't ever been on before which was interesting. Every elses are better than mine. They do interesting things and stuff. I used to be scared to leave comments cuz i thought they'd have a go at me, but, in the end i just left some. I know that probably sounds dum, but i don't want someone hating me over the internet aswell.
I have MCR-Sleep on. Oooooh, i still can't get over the pics of Gerard Way in k! mag OoOoOoOoOoOoOooooo. why does he have to be so amazingly gorgous? It is very distracting! hehehehehehe. But, i definatly prefer his hair black again. But ooooooooh @ the photos, anyone got k!, the one with all the stuff about The Big Day Out in Australia? OOOOOOO if you do. You have to agree with me. I have something nice to think about now..
Argh, gone off into dream world. Am feeling ok, tho i got a bit annoyed earlier. I chat rooms alllllllll the time, people go "i'm guna leave i feel sad and you aren't helping" or " everyone's ignoring me bye" but the thing is, half the people that said the second one weren't actually talking. Or are telling you off because you were talking to someone else at the same time. Heh, you wouldn't think being in a chatroom could be so stressful (haha).
I am going to that thing again tonight, i hope it's fun, didn't talk much last time cuz apprently i wasn't the only one who was in a bad mood. They kept saying all this stuff about smiling, and i thought "oh crap" but it seemed to be aimed at Sam. I think he must have had an argument with his dad. Y'know when you just know these things? well, yeah, was like that, his dad was trying wayyyyy too hard to be natural. But then, i spose it must be quite hard being one of those families that are absolutly pefect, or, just perfect as far as everyone else can see. Once we went there and the dad (argh, i forgot his name) was there just sat in his car, and then about 5 mins later he came in being all normal. It just seems wierd that's all. But I guess I just want things to be more exciting than they are. But i don't think I am imgening things. Found out when i was younger one of the dinner ladies had an affair with the head techear who suddenly left when his wife found out. I can't believe I didn't pick up on that, but, i think I was only about 9 at the time. Still, i think I should have noticed. Mum said she couldnt believe that she hadn't told me. I couln't either, something actually intesting happening and she doesn;'t tell me!!!!!!!! I think that has happened ayt my school now tho, because we had this RE techear in year 7 and she was pregnant and left, thing is, she had this twice before, but always came back. But this time she left for good, apprently whicever techear she was having an affair with told her to get lost. I can't believe I am the only one who sees these things ()
I guess I had better get ready soon, i would IM mike, but i think he's on msn talking to jo. argh. bored bored bored. And FLW isnt helping, i mean, it's an amazing song, but i'm trying to stay in an ok mood, and it's depresing me a bit.
hmm.. i could just keep trying forever. OOOOOOOOOH that reminds me, i want to copy in this joke that mike sent me, it's really funny.....

Hi. Today has been pretty god really. Felt weird tho, we were just abut to go into Comet to get my new cd player and I started to feel like something really bad was going to happen, I just wanted to hug my mum and go home. I don’t think I care if that sounds lame to everyone else, but, that is just how I felt. I’m actually kinda annoyed with myself, I haven’t had a weird thing like that for a while. Just watched a program about hypochondriacs. It was really sad, because there was this girl on it that always thought that she had cancer, this was because her dad had died of it. I think it’s really sad that all of these things happen. I wish I could help my gran more, she is claustrophobic, we don’t really know why. I think that her mum locked her up or something when she was younger. I just wish that I could help her more, but she doesn’t want to try and go places that scare her, but, at the same time I don’t want her to try, because if she started panicking it would be horrible. I still wonder what makes people the way that they are. Cause, in science, during all the v-day crap, we got told about how people love and which parts of the brain that turns off. But, I just want to know what makes us us. Is there a part of our brain that defines our personality? If so, how does it decide how we are? What makes us hypochondriacs or manic-depressives? I just don’t get it at all. I asked my mum and she said that you inherit a lot of things from your parents, but, I’m nothing like my dad, he is confident and finds it really easy to talk to people (so does John, so, I guess he got dad’s personality.) But then mum is more like me, she gets anxious and stuff, and she finds meeting new people hard. But, she has been in plays and does story telling. I could never do any of those things because I wouldn’t be able to have so many people focusing on me. I would have to run away, I don’t want to be seen by any people, I just want them to not look at me. And neither of my parents are like that, well, mum is, but she always manages to do it when she has to. I don’t, I will always blush. I am a lot better than I used to be, even if people don’t really notice. I still blush a bit when I talk to new people, but I can ask for things more in shops now that I used to be able to. But, my blushing getting as bad as it did wasn’t my fault, that I do know. It wasn’t too bad when I first went to secondary school, but, by half way thru year 7 I couldn’t talk to anyone that I didn’t know without going red, it happened whenever I got asked stuff by teachers as well. I know why it got so bad tho, the chavs thought it was funny and every time that I blushed (a lot) they all said something and took the mick out of me. I can’t help it. Argh. And the fact that I couldn’t ever do anything in maths didn’t help either. I am better at keeping it under control now. It is getting a little bit worse again at the moment tho, which I am worried about. I don’t want people to hate me even more than they so now. But, I did get the chance to say to a couple of people that I can’t help blushing, and when they mention it to me it does make it worse. I think I had said it to Dan, because once when Guimis was mean to me about it he told him to shut up. I spose that is a good thing. Tho I wish I just didn’t, I want to be able to talk to who I want without going red. And I want to be able to stand on a stage a perform to people. But I know I never can. I was thinking about taking drama at GCSE because I thought it might help me a it but, the first thing that you have to do is monologues on your own, and I can’t. I don’t care what anyone says to me or if people get annoyed with me because I really wanted to do it and now I am just giving up, I can’t do it. I would love more than anything to be able to say that I know that I could. Maybe one day. But I doubt it. I’m gunna be such a crap nurse, I’ll blush when I talk to the patients. And then they’ll feel uncomfortable. That is the problem tho, it’s with everyone, but, if I blush when I guy talks to me, he is gunna think that I like him when I don’t. Ugh, see? Normal people, you are so lucky. Anyone that has had this problem and can give me any tips on how to try and sort myself, I would be grateful.
Bye.

I don't really feel happy today. Not that that is so unusual. I tried talking about it with everyone online, but i can't. Because then they might worry or whatever. And i don't want to make them feel like that. We are gunna be out for a lot of tomorow. I don't really mind that I am gunna be out with my mum, I don't think that I can be bothered to be embarrased. I like the fact that tomorow I am gunna have a lot to be focused on, because that way I don't really have time to think that much. If you see what I mean. We took the carpet up in my room today, and then I have a kewl rug down, it's got different colour circle thingies on. And I am gunna have it painted green, and then Hugh is gunna give me his old computer, it's a Mac, so it might be kinda hard to get used to, and, I think that I'll have the computer before the new painted room. I have Rooftops on, even tho LostProphets aren't my favourite band, i think that Rooftops has to be my favourite song. It's so amazing, at the same time as making me happy it makes me sad, and I love all the images it puts into my head. "Standing on the rooftops everybpdy scream your heart out" see what I mean? Well, you might, you might just think I am being dumb and cheesy, I dunno. But, cuz i don't necciasarily always sayu the things I feel, I think that being able to say on here is pretty good, it's easier to write than talk anyway. I have always found that, I don't really find talking easy, because then people ask questions, on here, no one can ask and put me off what I am saying . I can just carry on. I put myself off what I am saying sometimes tho. Which probably sounds wierd, but I am always going on about something and then veering off onto something else. I don't really know why. I think I have been thinking a lot about Detling and everyone saying that they care and then never getting in touch, Stuff with Lara, the fact that Robyn hasn't called back. And mosty, Shona. She made me feel as tho she was someone that was really going to understand me. I'm glad I realised she is a lier tho, because I realised before I was stupid enough to open up to her about everything. And I don't really ever say what's really the matter, unless I'm really mad, and that is only to a friend then. And only to an online friend. If I get mad at school, I generally just bitch about the person that has annoyed me. Not so much why they have annoyed me. And I know that may not really be the best way to deal with everything. But it's an easier way. We bitch about the boy thst said all that stuff to me a lot now. And I am as horrible to him as possible, i don't care about prooving him wrong anymore. I can't be bothered to. Now 4:am Forever is on. Mike says this is one of the songs that really makes him think about stuff. It's sad, but i don't know that it really makes me think about what is is about and stuff. I think I'm gunna go. I don't know why really, just think that I should, because otherwise..
hmm..
bye.

I don't really feel happy today. Not that that is so unusual. I tried talking about it with everyone online, but i can't. Because then they might worry or whatever. And i don't want to make them feel like that. We are gunna be out for a lot of tomorow. I don't really mind that I am gunna be out with my mum, I don't think that I can be bothered to be embarrased. I like the fact that tomorow I am gunna have a lot to be focused on, because that way I don't really have time to think that much. If you see what I mean. We took the carpet up in my room today, and then I have a kewl rug down, it's got different colour circle thingies on. And I am gunna have it painted green, and then Hugh is gunna give me his old computer, it's a Mac, so it might be kinda hard to get used to, and, I think that I'll have the computer before the new painted room. I have Rooftops on, even tho LostProphets aren't my favourite band, i think that Rooftops has to be my favourite song. It's so amazing, at the same time as making me happy it makes me sad, and I love all the images it puts into my head. "Standing on the rooftops everybpdy scream your heart out" see what I mean? Well, you might, you might just think I am being dumb and cheesy, I dunno. But, cuz i don't necciasarily always sayu the things I feel, I think that being able to say on here is pretty good, it's easier to write than talk anyway. I have always found that, I don't really find talking easy, because then people ask questions, on here, no one can ask and put me off what I am saying . I can just carry on. I put myself off what I am saying sometimes tho. Which probably sounds wierd, but I am always going on about something and then veering off onto something else. I don't really know why. I think I have been thinking a lot about Detling and everyone saying that they care and then never getting in touch, Stuff with Lara, the fact that Robyn hasn't called back. And mosty, Shona. She made me feel as tho she was someone that was really going to understand me. I'm glad I realised she is a lier tho, because I realised before I was stupid enough to open up to her about everything. And I don't really ever say what's really the matter, unless I'm really mad, and that is only to a friend then. And only to an online friend. If I get mad at school, I generally just bitch about the person that has annoyed me. Not so much why they have annoyed me. And I know that may not really be the best way to deal with everything. But it's an easier way. We bitch about the boy thst said all that stuff to me a lot now. And I am as horrible to him as possible, i don't care about prooving him wrong anymore. I can't be bothered to. Now 4:am Forever is on. Mike says this is one of the songs that really makes him think about stuff. It's sad, but i don't know that it really makes me think about what is is about and stuff. I think I'm gunna go. I don't know why really, just think that I should, because otherwise..
hmm..
bye.

Am sort of ok today, I did write yesterday, but eveything froze and i got annoyed so i didn't bother again after that. Heh, I have Simpleplan on again for the first time since i was bitching about them. I still agree with what i said, i just felt like listening to them. Not everything that they do annoys me, just some of it. The reason i wasnt here on thrusday was cuz i went to see a pantomime that a couple of people that i know are in. It was really fun, Alistair saw we were there and was like, oh no.
And me and Rose felt kinda bad because when he came on stage he looked kinda embarrased. But, after we saw him and Chlow in the interval, he was ok. I was a funny thing to watch, but they had some jokes with the people in the village, so we had no idea what they were on about. But, i still really enjoyed myself. Argh. Haven't liked today so much tho, it's mainly cuz i have had really bad stomacgh pains since I woke up and the painkillers didn't help. I wonder if i coud sue anadin.. hmmm.... Ah, can't be botherd, and I'm sure that wouldn't win anyway. The song that I was bitching about is on after this, oh well, i actually like the song, so i don't mind to much, it just REALLY annoys me at the same time. Oh Poo, and being told that I need sleep, yeah, i'm really gunna sleep when i have a pile of bricks in my stomach, ahh well, had better do it else Hugh will come up and i'll end up having a fight with him.
anyway, so, going going
poof

Urgh. I can't say that I have enjoyed today. No cards or anything. Not surprised tho, there is so much wrong with me. And John was bieng really bad today, i realy nearly snapped really badly. But it upset mum. which i feel bad about, and I was horrible in chat. Argh. I wish i could just be ok. Oh well, i don't suppose there is much that I can do. I think that I just want something amazingly exciting to happen. My T-shirts finally came from Grindstore today. ONe of them says Paint The Stars on it, and I like the idea of that. And the other one is a MCR t-shirt, i realy like them. So i feel a bit better after I got them.
I have Knights Of Cydonia on. It's kewl. I like it. Argh, i wish I had some more intersting things to write. I'm sorry everybody, i spose that this is just me feeling like me and no one else really wants to hear about that. Oooooh, tho! I found out if I take spanish for GCSE i might be able to so to Barcelona. Which'll be kewl. Cept i would miss everyone and be really worried that somthing would happen with John when I was in the wrong place. Argh, and mum is worried about that already, she didn't look very happy when i told her. I wish that I could do it so that she didn't worry.
Argh, I'm really horrible, it is just well, there is only so much that I can take of having EVERY SINGLE THING that I do commented on and critised, if you understand. Anyway, i think i'm gunna go
bye xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Today? For a lot of the day I was feeling ok, made muffins in food tech and nothing blew up. Then I did really well in a test (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that never happens to me so that was kewl. I still am njot sure about all the GCSE stuff tho, ever single subject keep showing us dvds about why we should take it. It's kinda annoying. And now, well, I still can't stop thinking about all of stuff that got said yesterday. But i spose that is just gunna be another one of the things that I think about everyday. Great. Am going to that Tuesday night thing soon. For once I actually don't wanna go, but I should, I'll probably feel better after I go. Maybe. Yeah, i reakon I will, cuz I'll have to try and be kinda happy, and then I'll get into the swing of it. I wish the stupid speakers would stop bizzing it's really annoying. Anyway, AOL is being really annoying today, so I'm gunna go. bye.

Today was pretty crap. Y'know sometimes when i say stuff like "what is wrong with me??!" yeah, well, got told today, included ugly, so, yeah, i am right. And, well, this is how it happen (I wasn't even talking to the guy that said all of it btw). Guimis said hi to me, and I obviously thought "oh crap" cuz whenever he speaks to me he is usually having a go at me oir trying to make me feel like rubbish because it is fun to him or something. And i think i must have looked funny or something when i said hi back, because he asked my why I am unfriendly with him, so I said basically what i said up there, well, i said part of it, cuz then tis stupid crappy pratt James said all the stuff that is wrong with me, i was really, like surpised, cuz i have tried to be nice to him cuz he is Geena's friend. But, yeah, forget it. So I didn't talk to anyone for about an hour and then in the end I told Rose and she cheered me up by bitching about him for ages. and i had to write and essay, so, yeah, today not so great and i am too ugly to show myself in pulic, john is still critisising everythig that i do.
so yeah. i'm not so good.
bye

Today. Um. nothing really exciting happened. something really bad has happened to katie on the internet tho. As long as she isn't lying it has anyway. but i can't see her lying about something like this. Ha, i wrote a wierd song today, it's called I Hate Everybody. (aren't i nice) it is just cuz of stuff that always seems to happen to me and rose, getting shoved out of lunch queues etc, and we always seem to end up saying "ooh i hate that stupid person" so, i thoght why not wriute a song about it, and i, suprsingly form e, isn;t to deprssing, it is bascially me going ona bout everything that annoys me. it's a crap song, but i enjoyed writing it. ha, this is lame but htinking about my song has boosted my mood a bit. it is so wierd, but when you just get down everything that realy annoys you it makes you feel amazingly better. i wanna tek it and show rose so we can add to it. but i'm too scared to. heh, i'm so wierd.

Today? boring. went to dads and him and john watched sport nearly all day. watched a bit of men in black which was ok tho.
Now? i feel worse, i was pretty much emotionless all day. but then. chat, typically that would ruin things. nearly all the girls dont eat, there was someone saying they were anerexic. one person sat there saying "oooh, eating cake and still skinny" ARGHHHHHHH. maybe i'll stop eating and seee what all the fuss is about. i just hate how i look SO much no one would ever believe. and now i even have to feel like crap in a chatroom.

not fair.

Personality Type Report for Lydia
Your Personality Preferences
INTROVERT
While you may not be anti-social, you do need (and deserve) your private time and space to retreat from the world. Unlike extroverts, you need to develop a concept of the world or some aspect of it before experiencing it. Too much socializing may sap your energies. Your energies are derived from exploring the inner world of ideas, impressions and pure thought.
INTUITIVE
While you do process information through your senses you add a twist to your processing by relying on intuition and serendipity. You look for undercurrents of meaning and abstractions in what you experience physically. You do not just see things just as they are, but as what they could be. While you may rely on common sense at times, you trust inspiration far more.
PERCEIVING
You like to have as much information as possible before making a decision. Putting off a final decision until the last moment does not make you uncomfortable. Indeed once a decision is made, a course plotted, you may feel a bit uneasy, because you feel bound to a certain course of action. You would much prefer to wait and see what happens. You enjoy the opportunity to improvise. Commitments are not etched in stone to you, and are changeable.
FEELING
You make decisions subjectively based upon your values and what is important to you. How people will be affected by your decisions is important to you. You are likely to make decisions based upon what you feel is acceptable and agreeable rather than what is logical. Your truths are founded in your values and those of the society you live in. It is important to remember that we are discussing how you evaluate data and make decisions, and that you rely on your feelings to do so in no way implies you are overly emotional.
Your Personality Type
Introvert/Intuitive/Feeling/Perceiving

You are devoted and compassionate. You have a well-developed distaste for rules, orders and schedules. You are a natural born learner and can get so absorbed in your projects that you forget those around you. You are passionate about your beliefs and love ideals. You have very high standards for yourself. You are very creative, sensitive, reserved, and introspective. You respect the values of others and expect them to respect yours.

In relationships you are loyal and totally committed. You prefer a few deep relationships over a horde of acquaintances. Because you are somewhat reserved, you do best in one on one and small group situations. When you feel comfortable, you can be very entertaining and capricious. You are nurturing and supportive by nature. You greatest social challenge is to balance your need to withdraw into your inner-world with your need to keep a strong connection with those you care for. .

Famous People of Your Type:

Homer, Virgil, Mary, mother of Jesus, St. John, St. Luke, William Shakespeare, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, A. A. Milne, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Helen Keller, Carl Rogers, Fred Rogers, Dick Clark, Donna Reed, Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis, Neil Diamond, Tom Brokaw, James Herriot, Annie Dillard, James Taylor, Julia Roberts, Scott Bakula, John F. Kennedy, Jr.

Occupations Suited to Your Type Include:

Actor, architect, artist, composer, editor, translator, journalist, librarian, musician, occupational therapist, psychotherapist, educator, researcher, scientist, and writer.

By that i REALLY hope they don't mean Homer Simpson, i think being like him would be a bit to much.
XD

[1] NAME: Lydia
[2] BIRTHDAY: 9th November
[3] HEIGHT: I'll go find my ruler...
[4] SHOE SIZE: I have ski feet
[5] EYE COLOR: Blue or greay or something, no one really knows lol
[6] HAIR COLOR: gigery reddy blondey
[7] DONE DRUGS: does paracetamol count? =P hehehehehehehehe
[8] BEEN ON STAGE: no
[10] BEEN DUMPED: no
[11] GOTTEN INTO AN ACCIDENT: kind of
[12] EATEN AN ENTIRE BOX OF SWEETS: yes, i do it too much =/
[13] DYED YOUR HAIR: nope, but someone told me i would took kewl with blue hair =S
[14] CHOKED IN FRONT OF SOMEONE?: rofl, yes
[15] WENT TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PJ'S: lol! no, but i was thinking about doing it for CIN
[16] GOTTEN DETENTION: yes...
[17] LIKED SOMEONE SO MUCH THAT MADE YOU CRY: nope, can't cry
[18] DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW: no, i hate evryone *rolls eyes*
[19] DO THEY KNOW: lol, that i LIKE them, yes, my friends do, at least i hope they do
[20] WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN THE OPPOSITE SEX: Gerard Way XD
[21] DO YOU HAVE FAITH IN THE COMMON MAN: if you mean man by man, then no.
[22] COLD / HOT: dunno

[23] BLACK / WHITE: black
[24] RAIN / SNOW:snow!!!!!!!! but where is it? pouring rain *rolls eys again*
[25] GIVE / RECEIVE: give (unless they hate what i give them)
[26] WOOL / COTTON: cotton
[27] ROSE / DAISY:rose
[28] PRIVATE / PUBLIC SCHOOL: have never been the private school, and i don't like the uniform of the one near me, so, public
[29] PLAIN / CHOCOLATE MILK: all chocolate is amazing, don't make me choose =P
[30] P.E/ SCIENCE: i hate both, but, for what i wanna i do i need science, so i spose science.
[31] MATH / ENGLISH: english
[32] summer / AUTUMN: summer
[33] ROCK / COUNTRY: rock!!!!!!!!1
[34] PEPSI / COKE: well, they taste the same to me XD
[35] LOVE / LUST: love
[36] EAT / SLEEP: depends on weather opr not choccie is involved.

--------------------------------FRIENDS-------------------------------------

[37] WHO DO YOU SEE THE MOST: rose
[38] WHO DO YOU WISH TO SEE MORE OFTEN: dunno. should say robyn, but dunno.
[39] WHO DO YOU E-MAIL THE MOST: don't really e mail, but, in IM, mike.
[40] WHO'S THE LOUDEST: geena
[41] WHO'S THE SHYEST: me. lmao
[42] WHO ARE YOU JEALOUS OF: everyone. lol.
[43] WHO GOTS THE BEST ROOM:rose
[44] WHO'S THE HORNYEST: ewww
[45] WHO DO YOU TRUST THE MOST: not sure
[46] WHO KNOWS YOU THE BEST: ..
[47] WHO'S YOUR BEST FRIEND(s): rose offline. online, i don't know.
[48] WHO DO YOU HAVE SERIOUS TALKS WITH: offline- no one. online. depends on everybodies mood.

[49] WHO GETS ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: rose
[50] WHO HUGGED YOU THE MOST: no one really hugs me
[51] WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST: ..
[52] FOUGHT WITH YOU THE MOST: robyn, tho, i'm still not sure why =/
[53] WHO ARGUES WITH YOU THE MOST: robyn (^^^^^^same^^^^)
[54] FAVORITE FRIENDS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: don;t really have any offline. online, mike.
[55] IS MOST LIKELY TO BECOME A MODEL: judy
[56] HAVE KNOWN YOU THE LONGEST: out of friends? god, nobody.

[57] DO YOU KNOW MOST ABOUT: rose

----------------------DO YOU LIKE TO:---------------------------------------

[58] GIVE HUGS: i don't really hug people =/ offline anyway.
[59] GIVE BACK RUBS: rofl
[60] TAKE WALKS IN THE RAIN: yeah, getting soaked. fun.

[61] WATCH TV: no idea

[62] GO TO THE BEACH: depends

] DO HOMEWORKh yeah, that has gotta be the height of my day (haha)

[64] PLAY IN THE SNOW: if barney is there yeah, he eats snow men XD
[65] WORK OUT: =/

[66] TALK ON THE PHONE: not really.

[67] STAY UP ALL NIGHT TALKIN TO A FRIEND: haven't everdone that

[68] GO ONLINE: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[69] BE KISSED: depends
[70] DO WEIRD / FREAKY THINGS: lol, that isn;t really a choise of weather i like it or not

[71] BE WILD: lmao

--------------------HAVE YOU EVER:----------------------------------

[72] BEEN TO A CONCERT: no, well, kind of
[73] BEEN OUT OF STATE: no
[74] GONE SKINNY DIPPING: no

[75] RAN ROUND NAKED: lmao
[76] BROKEN A BONE: no

[77] CHEATED ON A TEST: =/
[78] RAN A MARATHON: ha, no, and i wouldn't want to

[79] MET A FAMOUS PERSON: yeah, but i didn;t like them =x
[80] BOUGHT SOMETHING AND SOLD IT:nope

[81] STOLE FROM SOMEWHERE:=/
[82] STALKED SOMEONE: ha, no, but yes, long story.

----------------------YOUR LOVE LIFE:----------------------------------

[83] SINGLE OR TAKEN: single *sigh*
[84] IF YOU WERE TO GO OUT WITH ANYONE, WHO: Gerard Way
[85] EVER HAD ONE NIGHT STAND: no

[86] LONGEST RELATIONSHIP:ha
[87] LAST PERSON YOU KISSED: hehehehehehehehehe

---------------------------EXTRA EXTRA:-------------------------------------

[88] BAD HABITS: nail bitrer

[89] MAKES YOU MAD: everything XD
[90] SCARIEST MOMENTS: urgh, not answering
[91] WHERE ARE YOU: on mars *rolls eyes*

[92] ARE YOU WEARIN ANY JEWLERY:erm... no
[93] LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED: rofl, yesterday i think
[94] WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR PANTS: erm...blue
[95] WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENIN TO RIGHT NOW: nothing, cd finshed
[96] LAST THING YOU SAID: i haven't spoken for a while so i can't remember.
[97] COMPUTER DESK IS MADE OF: wood
[98] LAST THING YOU ATE: cheese
[99] WHAT YOU REALLY WANNA DO RIGHT NOW: hmm...
[100] WHAT COLOR OF CRAYON WOULD YOU WANNA BE: black, cuz then you don't go all wierd and all the other colours can't go into you and make you all silly.

Today? i have been, normal, i guess. Hyper for half an hour miserable for a while, pretty much how it is most days. School was okay. I don't get where to the snow is tho, all we have had is pouring rain. Not fair. Well, the reason I feel crap now? john. I know that sounds mean. he is my borther and I love him and everything. it is just hard sometimes. He has special needs. And well, at the moment he is being really difficult, he does this self biting/hitting thing which i realy hate. It makes me wanna cry. I spose unless you have seen it you wouldn't get it. But, when you see your brother thumping himself in the head and he won't stop I expect it would get to you aswell. And today I started screaming at him. All of it. I can't do it anymore. All the sighing whenever i speak. being told i'm boring and that i think i'm "better than everybody when i'm not" i don't think that. i just want it all to go away. but, then, he goes back into a good mood and everybody has to go with him. problem is that i can't. i think i just want something to take my mind off it, but, there is nothing. there is no one to talk. ugh, and he has just comein and asked me why picked up the toothpaste that i picked up. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everyone says that it ins't on purpose! but it IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everything i do is wrong. it was like it with robyn aswell. What is wrong with me? i can't do anything right.
i dont wanna be me anymore, i don't think that i can take being me for much longer. i feel ill constantly, have pains all the time. and stupid and ugly. uesless and at everything. and i can't see myself ever being normal again. i can't ever see myself properly happy. i just don't think it is ever gunna happen. whenever i try and sort myself out something always happens. oh, yeah, and we can't go to Detling next year. oh well. i guess i should be wayyyy more dissapointed than i am. but after we left i was more dissapointed. everyone made a big deal about how much they acrd, but if i never did any e mailing then no one would e mail me. yeah, course you care. and i keep thinking about lara aswell. why did she stop caring? i mean, you'd think that someone who was your best friends for nearly 10 years would have to come up with a pretty good reason. but. no.
like i said. there is something wrong with me.
robyn had rung today, i'll ring her back tomorow. else she'll tell all her friends i am avoiding keeping in touch with her. i'm not. i just haven't got around to calling. i did call, a lot. it is just after the speaker phone thing. that pretty much prooved everything that i had thoguht. and when i am on the phone that is all i'll think about. when she called and we were both here i actually thought we were ALL gunna ahve a nice chat. but, in the end i went and did something else cuz she was just talking to rose. but. oh well.
no amount of people telling me i am wrong is gunna chnage my mind. i'm right about me. i know me better than anyone else. have this quiz thing someone sent me cuz they were bored. i've done it now aswell.
i'll but it on here in a sec.

argh sorry, i like their music and everything, but, god they annoy me
read this:

Tell me what's wrong with soceity
When everywhere I look i see
Young Girls trying to be on tv
Thei won't stop 'till
They've reached their dreams
Diet pills, surgery
Photoshoped pictures in magazines
Telling them how they should be
It doesn't make sense to me

(that's from Crazy btw)

And basically, he is a guy right? for gods sake. yeah right he is gunna go for a person like me (i.e ugly) rather than one of his "it doesn't make sense to me" girls that look like the stupid lucky people in amagzines.
he should SO shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I feel all wierd tonight, ha, what's new? I was okay earlier, but then someone really got on my nerves and it got me started thinking about things and the main thing on my mind, bu i'm not even gunna write it, because everyone weill instatly say that it isn't true and so will the person that actually suffered from it. cuz she said that when she told me. but i can't help thinking. everything that has happened i my fault. cuz well, argh, i can't explain. cuz i don't wana write it. but basically, something happend and i got told that it was my fault. and i have never got over that for a start. and then this other thing i got told a couple of weeks ago. its just so depressing. and i can't tell anyone, well i blurted it out to mike at one point, but not the full extent of it. hmm.... i don't know, i spose that i should just shut up and think about something else, but it really isn't as easy as that. i get that i am probably not really making all that much sense, but it isn't that easy to really. hm..
i think i'm gunna go, maybe i'll start feeling all hyper soon. i hope so.

I really do hate them "parental controls" what is the point? What theu are saying is that they gradually want me to not be able to do and look at anything that i want. Because, when you think about it, if you really want to protect your 'child' then you can't ever let them leave the house listen to tv or radio ever see open air and never actually speak to them. So, seeing as none of this is being done, what is the point in parental controls? And imagene if actual like was like parental controsl, you walk into a room and the screen goes blue and syas SORRY YOU CAN'T LOOK AT THIS! and AOL couldn't get more stupid if it tried. cuz i can just go onto my mum's account and change them when i can be bothered. and y'know, if it says "no you can't come in here blah blah bah" and then instantly someone goes onto the other account and changed it. See? dumb.
If anyone can give me any reason why paarental cpontorls are usefull? because i found a parental control worthy webby and AOL didn't know it so i could go on it. And also, for a while it wouldn't let me in Wikipedia. I wonder if the fact that people have h/w ever occured to them? it's like that whole parties/ bathrooms thig which i was going on about a while ago. i mean, i don't mean that you walk into a bathroom and the door slams shut saying no you can't go in. cept, if i am right about the party thing it should. anyway, i wasn't actually right, i just over heard something. Arg, i think i should go (again) so that i don't ramble on all night, cuz i am in that kinda mood when no one knows what i am going on about except me
bye xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hmm.. to say i feel ok would be nice, am having a bad evening. have been doing h/w since forever. trying to get a crappy project done for a subject im not even gunna do next year. that's the problem, now there are subjects that i'm not gunna do anymore i can't be bothered with them, i mean, i could before, but now it has got wayyyyyyyy worse. and that whole thing with kirsty d that i found out has made m eonly be able to think of that when i see her. but i'm not supposed tomknow so ssssshhhhhhhhh. the depressing thing is that i still haven't finished my music proj, had better be getting on with it i guess. and if i stay on here i will only depress you all.
have a nice night everybody.

**GONE**

Wowwwwwwwwwwww. I can't believe that i am getting excited about school, but, y'know, i'l faint later. As i said in the title Mdia studies
in a typical week you analys tv progs, make film posters, storyboard a trailer, and all that kinda stuff. how much more kewl can you get?? Also, there is a childcare GCSE, where you get to find out about all this stuff, One of the sections is special needs, which i'll know a lot about already. so it's all kewwwwwllllllllllllllllllllllll. and i am hyer and happy and boiling. Which is wwierd, cuz it is fereezing. OOOOOOOOOH another thinng about the childcare is that in year 11 you have to stuy a baby, and i have an as of yet unborn cousin. problem is that i would have to travel up there. there is also a baby next door, but i am scared of my neighbors so i can't ask them
anyway, mum wants me off so she can make a phone call
bye xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Heyyy. Feel about the same as I did yesterday. Hyper, but not all that great, Ahh well, the hyperness is making me ok. My mum is out at the options evening thingy, it seems a bit wierd that their is a GCSE options evening and we aren't allowed to go. She just has to get loads of info for me. So, me and John are here, well, John downstairs and me going down and pulling faces at him every now and again. That is cuz if he new i was checking to see if he was okay he would get anoying, so I have to go and sing at him or pull a face so he doesn't know. Ha, it's wierd, i know. But fun. HAd a boring assembly today. Spent 45 mintues pretnding i was a spy climbing up the climbing wall and into the ceiling. 14? since when? but, it made an hour of a numb bum go slightly quicker than it would have done, which is a plus. But, aprat from that, nothing very interesting. God, i sometimes realise how boring my life is. Well, in maths Geena had a fight with Alistair, not a real one, just throwing bags across the room. Usual. It was fun tho, the teacher didn't show up for a while and the chavs were outside chavving. So, it was all kewl. And i felt pretty crappy till last lesson so it was nice to have Geena and Jemma cheering me up. Not that they new that they were cheering me up. But, well, they were an i guess as far as that goes we can leave it at that. I think i want a digital camera. Cuz, then, I can put photos onto here of life/family. And if you are all unlucky enough of me. Not that anyone has any phots of me. But i promised Rose I would let her have one of me. Now I have my haircut. Urgh. I hate hoe i look. But, nah, not going into that, I'm actually ok, and I'll just depress myself. I ahve the feeling my mum has just got back, so i had better go and read some stuff about GCSEs that I can't be bothered with
BbBbYyYyYyEeEeEeEe

Heyyyyyyyyy. I feel sad, hyper, sick ad tired all at the same time, which is making me wierdly happy. Nothing very interesting has happened today. had a kinda major assambly thingy to do with GCSEs. Argh, tbh, all it has done is make me even more confused than i already was. But, can choose to start learning spanish next year and then get a GCSE in it. And apprently (according to Rose and Ime) it's really fun. And I don't know. I just don't enjoy french. I have lost all passion for it. And I don't know, it's just, spanish sounds kewl, and fun. And apprently the teachers are soooooo much nicer than the ones that do french, which would be a releif. I don't knowwwwwwwwwww. Felt very uncomfartable after the whole "cute" thing on Friday. But, he only pocked me then left me alone, which was good. I don't know what's wrong with me, i just feel all. ewww, go away. Argh, i doubt that's normal. Aren't hormones supposed to make you feel flattered. Argh. I just want a guy I actually like to care that I exsist. Just never happens. Eww, even food tech is against me. They wanted to make a 'special' Valentines day thing. But luckily, only 2 people wanted to do it., so we are makig muffins instead. Cuz, what would be the point? I'd be making Valentines muffins which i would be then eating myself. Ha, that'd be sad. Argh
Anyway, I'm gunna go and watch depressong tv
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Today is kinda wierd. I don't feel happy. But i don't exactly feel feel miserable. I have hadthis really annoying pain in my side all day, which is making me feel like crap. I really wish that school wasn't on tomorow, but then, at the same time I am glad., Because then everyone'll be around me and I can go back to being Lydia at school. Rather than Lydia every other time. I hate her. But, the porblem is, she is the real me, and i hate her. So, god knows what I am suppoed to do. Plus, i think i'm worrying my mum, so I had better try and snap out of it soon. i have MCR-Thankyou For The Venom on. Which i guess kinda somes up my mood. I am begining to feel really angry about everything. But what is there to really feel angry about?
I was really worried today, my granddad had a minor stroke on Wednesday and when we went to see them today I was kinda worried about what he was gunna be like. But he was ok. mum said she thought it might be like when John has his siezures, feel really cray the day after, but after that start to feel ok again. Which is good, i don't want him to feel crap. This is anotehr topic tho, which i really hate myself for. Something really bad could have happened, but i don't know him. I barely know him at all. Everything i know is stuff that my mum has told me. Can you believe that I am too shy to talk to my own gradparents. For gods sake. what is wrong with me? I barely know my own family. what does that say about me? urgh, i wish i was normal. but i spose i will be tomorow at school. It'll be easier then. I was talking about this to Deeon. Cuz like, when you are sad, people go on at you to tell them what is wrong. But when you actiually start talking, you can see them thinking shut up and stop moaning. ha, i bet that is what you all think. i'll try and be happier, i just spose that i need something to be honest to, and this is it. i get that everyone thinks stop moaning. hmm..
sorry x

Am feeling a lot better now then i was. This is mainly down to katie and mike, mike saying sweet stuff cause we are helping eachother. And me and katie talking about blokes, it is surprising how much a girly chat can make you feel better. actually, amazing! so, guys, if you are ever down, have a girly chat, it works wonders. We have actually been IMing for over and hour i just realised. wow. It really doesn't feel like that long, it is just her telling me about her boyfriend. me telling her stuff about certain poepl (teehee) and then her making me smile syaing asll this stuff. it is so kewl tho, cuz it isn't as tho one of us felt happy. we both felt like utter crap but thru girly talk we cheered out selves up. shove docters and uplifting music.
ha. i actually feeling okay
bye xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

you go over 45, you're a bad influence.

If you go under 10, chances are you live under a rock and have no life... even more harsh.

Total the number of things in each list you've done.

No need to say which ones.
If people really want to know they will message you.

1. smoked.
2. consumed alcohol.
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex.
5. kissed someone of the same sex.
6. had sex.
7. had someone in your room other than family.
8. watched porn.
9. bought porn.
10. done drugs.
TOTAL: 5

1. taken painkillers
2. taken someone else's prescription medicine.
3. lied to your parents.
4. lied to a friend.
5. snuck out of the house.
6. done something illegal.
7. cut yourself.
8. hurt someone.
9. wished someone to die.
10. seen someone die.
TOTAL: 6

1. missed curfew.
2. stayed out all night.
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself.
4. been to a therapist.
5. been to rehab.
6. dyed your hair.
7. received a ticket.
8. been in an accident.
9. been to a club.
10. been to a bar.
TOTAL: 5

1. been to a wild party.
2. seen the Mardi Gras.
3. drank more than four beers in a night.
4. had a spring break in Florida.
5. sniffed anything.
6. wore black nail polish.
7. wore arm bands.
8. wore t-shirts with band names.
9. listened to rap.
10. own a 50 Cent CD.
TOTAL: 1

1. dressed gothic.
2. dressed prep.
3. dressed punk.
4. dressed grunge.
5. stole something.
6. been too drunk to remember anything.
7. blacked out.
8. fainted.
9. had a crush on a neighbour.
TOTAL: 3

1. snuck into someone else's room.
2. had a crush on your best friend.
3. been to a concert.
4. dry-humped someone.
5. been called a slut.
6. called someone a slut.
7. installed speakers in your car.
8. broken a mirror.
9. showered at someone of the opposites sex's house.
10. brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush.
TOTAL: 4

1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater.
3. cruised the mall.
4. skipped school.
5. had surgery.
6. had an injury.
7. gone to court.
8. walked out of a restaraunt without paying
9. caught something on fire.
10. lied about your age.
TOTAL: 3

1. owned/rented an apartment.
2. broke the law in the police's presence.
3. cheated with someone.
4. got in trouble with the police.
5. talked to a stranger.
6. hugged a stranger.
7. kissed a stranger.
8. rode in the car with a stranger.
9. been harrassed.
10. been verbally harrassed.
TOTAL: 6

1. met face-to-face with someone you met online.
2. stayed online for 12 hours straight.
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
4. watched TV for 12 hours straight.
5. been to a fair.
6. been called a bad influence.
7. drink and drive.
8. prank-called someone.
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
10. cheated on a test
Total: 4

Overall Total: 37 haaaaaaaaaaa i'm good. and not boring. kewl, i guess that is a good place to be XD

Hi. Today? Weird, I was happy at school, cuz, well, I have to be. People get bored with me if I am miserable. And I don’t want them to leave me. Cuz people do. When I need them. I don’t get what is so wrong with me. Robyn? Lara? Lara is worse tho. EVERYTHING that was going on when she decided she didn’t care anymore. Not fair.
To be honest I don’t even see the point in me writing on here sometimes. What am I really doing? Depressing people pretty much.
I got told I was “cute” today. Weird. The new guy wrote me a note asking why I was quiet but giggley, and well, I cant exacttl say because its stopping me from thinking could I? So I just said its easier than talking. And apparently that is “cute” ahh well, I have never been told that before. Ha. If only he knew. We went to this story telling festival thing today. I didn’t want to go, and I am glad and annoyed that we went. One of the story telling guys, well… it was weird, I just sort of saw thru him. He wasn’t happy, I could tell. So I just watched. I kinda understood I spose. I mean, you never know, I might be wrong. I just don’t think he was happy. and I think that it was something to do with a women. Seriously. All the stories that he told were about getting your heart broken. Maybe that was a cry for help. I don’t know. And in the break bit he went and gave a women in the audience that he new a hug. And well, from that it just made it even more plain. Depressed? I dunno. I wish I new him better or had got to talk to him. But then.. what would I have said? God, nothing. Mum would have talked to him and I would have stood there having a conversation with him in my head. That is why I cant tell people about these kinda things in my head. They’ll think that I fancy him an all that crap. I didn’t. at all. I just noticed. It really isn’t that hard. I wish some one could with me. I am always understanding what is wrong, looking, knowing when something is wrong. I wish that someone could understand me. That is a selfish thing to ask tho. And people say that I don’t understand what they are feeling because I haven’t been thru it. But, this is hard to explain, but when they tell me I go thru it in my head. I think about the things that they have told me and know the feelings. The aloneness. I wish that someone could do that with me. But I cant even explain to anyone or anything how I really feel. I just hate myself. So much. I don’t wanna be me anymore. I want to be different. Beautiful. In that interview in k! Gerard Way said that he has always hated himself, and that he wanted his self hate to develop into something else. Mine cant tho. Cuz whatever happens. Im still me. And the mirror hates me. I wish I knew him. But, then, he wouldn’t be like he comes across to me. He just wouldn’t be. And he wouldn’t care. He would just see me how everyone else sees it. Moody Teenager. Which, again, I bet everyone who reads this misunderstands me as that. But what is a teenager? How do you define teenager? To me they seem to be all the pretty people around me snogging their boyfriends. Parties. Drugs. All that. I couldn’t do that even if I wanted to. I care. I couldn’t do that top the peole around me. But then, could I? I could. But I would hate myself even more. And besides I don’t want to know all of that. It isn’t as thought people move on and it is ok tho, because there are always going toe people that will come back. even if you think you have escaped. So? Why get involved?
There is a song I never really used to think about that much. I never really gave any thought about what it meant and all that. But yesterday, I listened to it and it started to mean something to me. And we started talking about it in chat, I didn’t say about me relating to it tho, because I had ben talking about that and I get the feeling that people started think OMG SHUT UP! even tho they wont say it. And I don’t wanna loose them.
I cant loose them. I really cant. Anyway the song, well, 2 songs actually.

Fall Out Boy-get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying
Evanescence-Tourniquet

I hope I can sort myself out. It is just hard, I think that I can but then I think about things. And I get sick of it all again. If I didn’t think. If I made up a new person. The thing is that however hard I try to do that I always end up thinking. Even tho atm I am 2 people. Day time Lydia. i.e miserable sometimes, but is generally happy and laughs a lot and stuff. And talks about boys and all that stuff. Then, urgh, actual me. Thinks to much. hates everything. And has just realied another song that is her.

Evanescence-Imagenary

This is kewl. Free advertising for the bands I love. I want to mean something to someone like my music means to me. I’m not saying that no one cares. Cuz I know that people do. They just don’t know. Or understand. But then, why should they? I never actually tell them. I cant really sit here moaning when I haven’t actually said anything. But that really is the thing. I cant say all of it. Not even on here. God, this is depressing.

I have thought about deleting this blog a few times this week.

I might

But then

I just don’t know

I have been typing for a really long time.

One more thing. Something that they said at this story telling thing

“Until you are forgotten you are never truly dead”
they were talking about people that are now dead’s stories.
Hmm…
Makes me think
A lot
I probably shouldn’t tho
Because ill get something out of it that I shouldn’t
I wanna see that man
No I don’t
Oh
Shut up

ugh, sorry about the ast couple of days, i have felt so bad that i couldn't even be bothered to write, i am begining to wonder wqhat the point in my even having a blog os. what do i do? nothing. there are people on here that actually have kewl loves and do amazing things. i do nothing. im crap at eveything. and the way i calmed myself down last night is bad. really bad. and i have had problems with it in the past, but i mad emyself not do it. but now? i dont know. it seems easier now. no one really thinks about it. but then, say they did find out. then what wouod i do? i'd e selfish and making people sad for nothing. and it is nearly valentines day. as usual i have no one this sounds so mean, but there are just gunna be people all happy everywhere, and it is just CRAP. none of them probably even care that much. it isnt fair. all i want is to meet someone amazing. and anther thing, i know i am way to into my music, but i feel as tho i have something missing. and my music? well, it is something to believe in, these people must have felt like i feel. else how would they have written what they have? I want to meet them and have them care. but, why should they? i just need someone to understand so badly. andnot to feel that people are getting sick of me. cuz people leave. all the time. lara left me when i needed her. god. what is so wrong with me???????!