Angst? Me? Never.

i feel worse today. i got to stay off which was nice but i think i have to go tomorow cuz of food tech, tbh, the way to explin would to be my bottom half feels like jelly. and i think im gunna sick. also, my organs have walked out of my body. i was ok, but then it all went wrong. saammie keeps saying that no one cares and stuff, which i feel is taking everything i say and do and throwing it back in my face. i know that she has a hard life and stuff. but it just doesn't feel fair. n one seems to care that i care abou them, and that makes me feel, well, worthless. which, i feel a lot, but not as much as i do now

i feel worse today. i got to stay off which was nice but i think i have to go tomorow cuz of food tech, tbh, the way to explin would to be my bottom half feels like jelly. and i think im gunna sick. also, my organs have walked out of my body. i was ok, but then it all went wrong. saammie keeps saying that no one cares and stuff, which i feel is taking everything i say and do and throwing it back in my face. i know that she has a hard life and stuff. but it just doesn't feel fair. n one seems to care that i care abou them, and that makes me feel, well, worthless. which, i feel a lot, but not as much as i do now

Hey. Don't feel all that much better. Actually, i feel worse, but i sounds as tho I have to go to school tomorow so there probably isn't that much point in thinking about it. Argh. No e mail from Ben. Also, some how i managed to put up 3 posts of the same thing last night, which was more than a little wierd. I think I pressed save about a million times. Does anyone else find that their entries take ages to save? Well mine do. And I am sick of it. Plus, chat room wise, I have said thw wrong thing to Sammie.. And now she is mad at HP. It was cuz i knew about a puppy and she didn't. It sounds kinda wierd, but it is cuz her and HP have like this bond thing, and I think I get in the way. No, i KNOW i get in the way. I just like talking to HP, and to sammie. And HP is only on about 3 times a week. And, well, it's just nice to talk to someone that cares. Maybe I should steer clear on Wednesday. I probablt should. Shame tho, cuz I don't want to. Oh well. It is probably the best thing to do.
Anyway, i have to go, mum needs the phone, probably more later. i don't know..

I didn''t write yesterdya cuz i went to bed. I got to have the day off cuz I felt like crap. Am feeling a lot better today. But I started to feel a bit crap cuz i e mailed Ben from Detling earlier and i am always acred to open his e mails cuz that week was well, emotional for me, and i feel weird about talking to the eople. But I do wanna stay in touch. But I didn't open the e mail until i thought he might have gone off. I regret that now, cuz he said he was upset, he usually won't tell me why but i always try anyway.
Anway, my mum says i have to go to bed (ha ha)
Bye xxxxxxxxxx

Uurrrrrggggggggghhhhh. Today. ARGH!
I HATE CHAVS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Music. The chavs were being mean to Karly, doing that stupid staring thing and then all laughing about something and then they start staring again. it really upset her, they KNOW that it upsets er and makes her angry. Cepr this time it made her angry and she cried and then stormed out. I went and sorted her out. Then when I got her to come back in, what had Sir done about it? Obviously nothing. In the end I went up and said, Are you actually going to do anything about what happened a minute ago? His lame excuse was that he didn't see it happened (which also puts the question of should he be a teacher seeing as he doesn;t seem to know what is actually going on in his own class. Anyway, I wasn't taking that as an answer so I had a go at him for a bit longer and in the end he said he would have a word with them. Rose said that I was brave, It was a sweet thing to say, but i wasn't, i just don't really think about controlling myself when I get tha angry. His idea of "having a word" was saying tp the whole class that there had been some bullying going on. Ugh. Pathetic, and then when I said to Rose, I knew that he wouldn't acually talk to just them he did aim it at them. Funny that, Shame that no one is laughing. Nobody would have done anything about it if i hadn't have said anything. I annoyed Guimis a bit tho which was good, well Rose said that I did. I knew he loved Karly very much, but could he please leave her alone for a bit. Ha ha. I was quite proud of it, but it was at that point that Karly stormed out so I had to go rather than say more. I'm sorry if i'm wrong, but, doesn't it make you think that something is slightly wrong that this can happen? That 3 people an be intimidtaing, upsetting and make a person feel generally uncomfortable without the so called 'teacher' noticing? it is PATHETIC! I hate chavs, they all think that they rule the world and can teart anyone however the hell they like and itr not have an impact. karly was actually pretty happy until that happened. I'm so sick of them. I Hate them. Why is this allowed to happen? And KArly has told someone which is good but at the same time bad, cuz they will think that me and rose told her to and then not leave us alone. But i really don't care anymore, i'm not scared of them and i don't see why i should be. What are they? Lame little boys that think they can intimidate me. Ugh, they make me SICK.
Butm apart from that my day was okay. Funnily The Infamous Devil David Serum GHD Chip The 1st seems to know who we are. It isn't that he spoke to us, we just knew that he knew if you know what i mean. And that was funny. I have been okay all day just cuz me and Rose had so much fuin at lunch. Which was wierd, cuz at the same time we were really bored. But then, well, Hugh is being really horrible this evening. My mug got broken. I mean, that doesn;t matter that much. it is just kinda um.. well. OKay, i just sound stupid.
Oh yeah, and if any chavs that are really nice and kinda and would never dream of doing that kinda thing read this, then I apoligise, i don't hate you. Just ugh.
you must understand this at least a bit.
I don't feel well
urgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I was ok today. I was sorting thru things on my head. I had a load of Careers things to do. It told me I wouldn't be a good nurs, but I don't care. I being a nurse. It feels right. I was getting ready to talk to HP about it and stuff. But AOL has ruined it. Ruined everything. Made it so hosts can't care. It makes me wonder if she ever cared. Cuz she was just so..
Oh well, i can't really expect anyone to understand. But she's been taken away from me. I needed her. I really did. But I spose that is just another one of the people that make out like they care, but really honestly don't. Like all the people at Detling. I was thinking about e mailing them. I don't think that I will now. I might end up moaning. OoOoOoOo Rose is IMing me. anyway. bye

Hmmm.. Today? Well, am feeling about the same as I did yesterday. Not exactly happy. But not really really crap. I had to do an "About Me" form thingy today, it was for carrers. I wonder why they want it. It was basically asking you what you are like. So i asked Rose and Karly. And then put what they told me. Most of my answers were "sometimes" but then I had to do a thing about what lessons I am good at, ugh. That bit didn't do so well. The only thing that i ticked that i can do is english. Cuz I get ok grades in that. But everything else. Ewww. That really is the only way that I can describe it.
There is a new guy at school. It is nice because he doesn't seem to be mean or a chav. So, I'll do my best to be friendly. He just kinda watches people, which is a bit wierd. But then I spose, so do I. I guess I can't really comment. Sammie has been reall upset today, not that I can really balme her with everything that is going on for her atm. I just wish that I could help more, I spose can't really expect anyone to understand. But I do have close friends online. That I can talk to and stuff. A lot of the time I really don't know what I would do without them. I knowm I know, you all think that that is lame. But, too bad. It is how I feel. i only wonder if I mean as much to them as they mean to me. I kinda hope so really. That would be nice. But I don't know, I don;t know if I really mean that much to anybody.
God, I was SO stupid today. John was really lat for me to meet him after school, so I started to egt really worried because I was scraed something had happened. Eventually he came, but I was still all left over woried, so I wasn't concentrating, and.. well, I nearly got myyself run over by a bus. if John and Rose hadn't of been there then I would have been. Rose screamed at me and John pulled me back. Which is definalty good. I really do need to be more craeful. It's just when I get worried htings start to circle in my head, and it all stops me from concenntrating. Tho, I do have to admitt I haven't done anything that stupid when I have been wprried for a while. Hmm.. I really need to start getting a grip on myself. Anyway, I;m gunna go. XxXxXx.

I'm feeling better than i did yesterday. I did tell Mike about things in the end. And i did feel a bit better for telling him. I haven't really said the things that are causing it. Becuase, well, if I say them I will just think about them constatly. And then worry that I shouldn't have told him. Arg. Am trying to prepare myself for the week. I washed my hair this morning and I have now straightned it. It seems to look better if I straighten it then sleep on it. Which is wierd. But.. I spose, since when is any part of me normal? I wish I could just look nice, I reckon I would feel a lot better. But me looking nice would have to go into the record books. I think the only thing that I can do is inject me into a completly different body. But then, I would still kinda be me. And I bet I would ruin the body. Hmm.. I think I should get myself into like, a rutean. Or however you spell it. Make myself healthy and stuff. Maybe loose a bit of wieght. Buy some new clothes. Everything will be kewl. My favourite No Doubt song ever just came on, well, one of my favourites. New. this song always cheers me up. So far being healthy isn't going well. I think I have a cold. Oh joy. Well, okay, how can you be positive about a cold? Urgggghhh. My throat hurts. Maybe I could nag my mum into geting me some tunes. But then everyone at school wants some, and say I don't really have a cough anyway. Hmm..
OoOoOoh, forgot to mention, me and Rose have anew guy to be obsesed with, from 'Waterloo Road' he is soooooo mmmmmmmmmmm. anyway, i'm gunna go and be lame and looks for piccies.
mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

feel like crap. went out in the end. was fun. but now? i feel so crap. i have MCR-Disenchanted on. it really isn't helping. i know what the problem is. i have just realised. it's back. the..empty feeling. it was gone for ages. i have been okay for quite a while. it's just the last week. i just feel so utterely rubbush. at everything. who am i kidding? I cant be a nurse. im not gunna be anything. and im really worried about my mum. she is really stressed. i just her worse. i didn't get mad at her tho, yesterday. i was fine and calm. i just want this feeling to go awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. it's not fair. it stops me from being happy all the time. cuz whatever i do i have it there. i told rose about it but she didn't understand. and robyn took the mick. well, that was last time i had it. ugh. my stomach is killing me. me has just said something sweet. i dont really believe him tho. what do i do? i do nothing. i haven't even told him how i am feeling. i might do. i have to go in a minute anyway. and i kinda doubt he would worry. so i spose he would be a good person to tell. maybe.

Today. Well, i feel ill and miserable. I am feeling better now than I was ealier. In P.E I felt so amazingly crap I couldn't even be bothered to speak, but I managed to fake happy and it made me happy which was kinda wierd.
But now I don't feel so good again. Rpse invited me to her house tomrow, and I asked my mum and (as usual) she got really anyoed with me. I really don't see what the problem is. She just doesn't want me to have a social life. She said it is because she worries, well that is NOT fair because I worry all the time. I worry about her, she is always stressed and things. I sometimes worry when she goes out and doesn't get back for ages because she saw someone she hasn't see for 500 years. BUt I don't yell at her because she wants to go out. And i don't think I'm like, the most horrible teenager on the planet!! I waited to see if she was in a good mood before I asked if I could go, AND I made sure that I asked her nicely and everything. But still she got annoyed. It isn't fair. This is horrible and selfish but. I think I should be allowed to go out, it isn't as if I'm going out at midnight with people she doesn't know. It would be an afternoon out with Rose. She actually said that she can';t be bothered to talk and stuff. That is the reason that I'm not allowed to go out. Well, that just isn't good enough. Okay, granted, she does have a lot to cope with, but does that mean that I don't? I have been the one that John has taken everything out on this week! Not her! I always want to hear about the things she is wporried about, and always have to put up with her when she gets in a bad mood. So is it so terrible that I just want one afternoon out?
It isn't my faukt that she doesn't want to go out tonight. It isn't my fault that her work isn't working out the way she wnated it all too. it isn;t my faul that John's dentist appointment got put n the middle of the day!
none of it is my fault!!!!!!!!!!
So why can't i go out for 1 measly afternoon???
I have been working really hard to get loads of homework done so i have time, and she'll still get all stroppy with me anyway. Tell me it isn't enough etc etc. I just don't think it's fair.
I mean, I do love my mum, or course I do. I just.. don't really see what the problem is..

Helooooo. Today, well, John is still ion a mood cuz no dvd. Mum is still stressed and now even more so cuz we have to go out tomorow. I am ok tho. I have been up here nearly all evening. I spose I just can't be bothered with it today. I had a go at this annoying boy called Stephan today. Everyone picks on this boy james for like, no reason. I don't fancy James eve romtly, but i just got isck of it. So I told Stephan that. But I took the mick out of him at the same time. He is so incredibly up himself he didn;t take it very well. I think he thinks he is pretty. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ahh well. Scarlett says i'm good at cutting remarks. Is that a good thing? Well, it's fun when it comes to er... pratts like Stephan. heheh.

Today has been well..difficult. John is still being horrible because his dvd hasn't arrived, mum is annoyed because she can't chnage John's authadontist appointment and she needs to be doing her work. So,pretty much, everyone is yelling at me. John is so difficult at the moment. I'm sick of having everything I do critisised. I told Rose a couple of the things I am worrying about today. About my mum and John. She only ever really ives one word answers, so I get the feeling that I should kinda shut up. I want to talk to HP about everything. But I won't end up talking. I'll just sit there and pretend that I feel okay i spose. Well.. it really depends on who is in chat more than anything. But as a plus point i sort of had a go at The Infamous Devilm David Serum GHD Chip The 1st today. Him and his friends pushed in front of us in the canteen queue so we had a loud conversation about how annoying it is when people push in front of you. I know it is stupid and lame and everything. But he was horrible to us, so why should we have to make an effort. That is how I feel about a lot of things really. Ugh, I also had a science test today. And I didn't finish. I kept getting distracted. I got bored and I was stuck so I drew a black spot on my hand (was thinking about Pirates Of The Carribean 2 at the time). And then this annoying boy called Andy was doing a wierd thing with a pen and it was distracting. Also a hellicopter kept flying over and we couldn't see it. The worst thing that was distracting was Geena clicking all her fingers. ewww,I really really really hate bones clicking, it's horrible.
Does anyone know how to properly reply to comments? Cuz I don't know if i leave a comment inder their comment or on their blog. Yes, i know, i'm dumb, just people say nice things and I wanna be able to reply so they actually see it. I am really not good with computers, was having an extreme problem in I.T today. I don't see why I need to learn how to use half of these things. I guess that all it comes down to is something that looks good. maybe I could just about get a GCSE in I.T. I wonder if HUgh will come round tonight? I definatly hope not. Because well.. John is moody and John will moan at everything Hugh does then start the hitting thing. Hugh will be stressed anyway because of work and then him and mum willl both be stressed and have an argument. At which point we will then have them yelling at each other. Just hitting himself with things and me sat there yelling at them all to shut up.
Actually, i hope he doesn't come is an understanment. I won't let him in if he does. I think that mum has already screamed everything at him down the phone anyway. And I can kind of see her yelling at dad some time soon aswell. Because she keeps saying why can't he take John to all the hospital appointments and dentist and stuff. Well, to me, the main fact is that she hasn't actually asked him. Not that I think he would do it anyway. He 'wouldn't have the time'. Nobody has time. When I am an adult I am going to try really hard to ahve time for everybody. I am already trying to have time to cheer everybpody up. But I am getting serverly annoyed with them all now. Yes, I get that my mum is upset, but there really is nothing that she can do, she has to accept that. And I also know that John can't help it. I am just SICK SICK SICK of beng the one he takes it out on all of the time. I just feel like not talking to any of them, locking mself away forever. If I had loads of books to read and a bit of food i reckon that I would be ok. Well actually, this is what I want at the momnet, honestly in my selfishnes. I just want a big room, maybe a couple of rooms where only I can go, it has all my favourite books, with more books that I am definalty gunna love to read later. To have a big tv and all the things that I wanna watch and stuff. My anmials (obviously) and a computer that'll do anything I want it too. A big kitchen so that I can make all the most amazing foods in the universe and not get fat. And an amazingly nice shower with amazinly kewl hair products. Also, a hugggggggeeeeeeeeeeee sound system so that I can play (every cd that I could possible want btw) and no one can tell me turn it down. OoOoOoO. And, when I got sick of being on my own My Chemical Romance can come and see me...

Dreams

am doing my blog earlier today for change, cuz i am going out later to that tuesday night thing and i thought i wuld try and be organised. Rose was back at school today which is god. I was going yo talk to her about stuff, but as usual, i didn't in the end. PLuz Sammie has got a new screenie, well an old one that she had befroe i knew her. so, that is another thing i need to remeber. heehee. but, well.. i can't help notcing that the change of screenie has come after a big argument yesterday. But i shouldn't get involved. I had kinda an emotional night without crying last night. it was wierd tho, cuz I haven't ever really thoght much about the ehosts on AOL when I am offline, but there was one (HP obviously) and i just wanted to talk to her. She is really sweet and says she cares and wants to help and stuff. It's sweet cuz I can't talk to anyone offline. And I can't really online either, cuz they have way more important things going on atm. BUt then, the things that I worry abpout aren't huge. it's just, well, last night i realised that some of the things that have happened i have never actually dealed with. I'm also sick to death of men and i actually haven't had anything to to with them yet. Just well.my dad. one of the things i'm sick of is himn just assuming everything is ok when it has never been. All the things with lindsey and charlotte and jess. The fact that we saw them every weekend for a really ong time and now suddenly they are gone Well, not suddenly really. thye have been for years, but that is how it was really. And i didn't like them much, even when thwey were around. well, i liked charlotte, just not jess. And the fact that they called dad 'dad' upset me too. I never really knew why. And there is the thing a couple of years ago. Well, some..things happeeded. And my mum had to go to hospital. And i obviously got really upset.. and, well basixcally hugh said that it was my fault. Cuz i was crying, cuz i was only about 11 and i had no idea what was going to hapen. And basically, all of it happening it my fault for being the way i am. I know that i am worrying my mum at the moment., I'm trying not to, but i just get mad. I'm sick of being told that "these are the best years of your life, don't waste them" ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
nobdy gets it!
IM USELESS I CAN'T DO ANYTHING THERE IS NOTHING I AM GOOD AT! I FAIL EVERYTHING!
what is even the point in my doing my GCSEs i'l just fail them all cuz i'm so useless and crap at everything. Other people say they are rubbis, but that is just cuz i am around. Cuz this is the truth, i can't do anything. I am good at nothing I'll never do anything worthwhile. I wanna be amazing and taleted, but it is never going to happen. and my listening is gradually getting worse cuz i haveso many things going round in my head that i have never really delt with. i sit there and all of the things im sposed to be doing don't matter.
ha.
that was stupid, just posted the things about school into the chatroom. oh well. good, stopped having a go at me now. or not. howcome i can't say how i really feel without having someone have a go at me? that isn't fair, i've never done that. and the person in question was saying all that baout never ahving a go at people about probs etc etc. ahh well, i spose that it is just different when it comes to me.
it's ok now
i asked the right question

Today wasn;'t too bad. Rose wasn't at school which was kinda annoying cuz I relly needed someone to talk to this morning and there was no one. but then, I can't blame her for being tired an i? Ahh well, it doesn't matter now, I sorted myself out (ha ha). Am worried tho, there is something really wrong with Kailee and she won't tell me what. Kirsty says that a close friend to their family is serverly ill in hospital. But kailee is the kinda person to try and stay positive and stuff. So the chances of her telling me aren't highg. I'll just have to keep an eye on her I spose. Anyway, am watching BB (sad sad person i know)
bye xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Just now, when I 'left'
If I was a cowboy i would have said
"Y'all take care now"
the galloped off onto the sunset.

My tooth brush says it is whitening. Tooth brush making people are stupid. Why don't we all just buy cheap tooth brushes and pour bleach on them? Yes, I expect we would die.

But who cares about that when you have white teeth?

But then we would all still have the problem with bushy eyeborws and be too dead to pluck them.

Not that I have that problem. Apprently I have 'no eyebrows'
I do, they are just pale.

hmm...

Hugh's birthday. Ugh. Why does that matter? he wouldn't even let my mum osrt him out a party or something. Boring. Although, I have to admitt, I am the crappest person the have at a party in the universe. Cuz I generally only know one perosn there and they know everybody. Which basically means me sitting on my own 'till I can think of a decent excuse to leave. Arg, why do I have to be so boring?? I bet I'm gunna have to live alone and friendless. Because all my friends (i.e Rose) will turn into party people and I will have nothingin common with them/her. What a great future. Well.. maybe I can become a party person. But then, i still have a problem, cuz techincally. What is a party person? Cuz from chav conversations I have er.. listened to (understand I was very bored at the time) say that basically a party person is a person that snogs random people then goes off with them to a bathroom. I don't think I'm into that kinda stuff. And also, it is kinda unfair to the other people. What if you really needed the loo? And what if you thought that it was just someone taking a while??? You might wait for a while and assume they had a few er.. bum troubles. That would be unfair. I now hate the bathroom people. Someone (that likes parties) might have their evening ruined cuz some person couldn't er.. wait. And they might make the mistake or making a joke about constipation when they hdn't realised what was really going on in there. I can really imagene myself doing this. Oh great. Now, on the rare occasions I get invited to parties i'm gunna be paranoid about going to the loo. I think apple crumble brings out the wierdness in me. My mum cooked it cuz it is Hugh's favourite food. It's like, eating to much cheese or somthing makes you have wierd dreams. Apple crumble brings out wierdness. Arghhhhhhhhhhh. AOL is still being annoying. Maybe I should write to the AOL people and tell them to sort themselves out. But then that would seem mean. Cuz the person in charge might be kinda sensitve and small. Awww imagene if I made them cry or something? No. I can't write to AOL. It's too mean. I'm kinda bored. I'm scared now,I just clicked on that smiley thing. They are scary, worse than the AOL ones and that is really saying something. It reminds me of clothing signs. What's the worst one? Well, I HATE Playboy with every bit of me. Karly loves it, but then. she is a chav so I spose that she would. And the fact that is is like an icky-why-are-men-even-alowd-on-Earth mag doesn't seem to occur to anyone. That's another thing. I'm pretty sure that I have men figured out, which I thini is pretty clever seeing as I have had only 1 boyfriend and that is such an embarrasing dissaster I can't even go into it. I spose I have just worked out that they only hear what they wanna hear. It's also wierd how they think that they are gunna keep little kids from the truth about men by putting their mags on the top shelf. Has anyone heard of a thing called the neck? It is amazing how you can look up with it. i don't remeber all that much about being a kid. I remeber when I was in playgroup when I got run over with a scooter. I look evil In my baby photos. I realy do. If they had given me a big white persian i would have been complete. Well.. maybe they could have given me a James Bond to try and kill. Yeah! I could be like, the first person to beat James Bond. But then he'd have to come back to life else Danial Craig would be out of work. And he seems nice enough, so I don't think I could do that to him. I spose he could sell his BAFTA. Shame he has to win it first. Argh. Scariest thing in the universe just happened. When I pout my Orson cd in (No Tomorrow single, am trying to keep up a good mood) It went all black and then came up with ‘Orson’. Silly thing. Doesn’t I know that my computer is too old to play videos?? Windows 98 doesn’t do it. Arg. If would save so much time if the Orson cd would say to the computer “can I play please?” and the computer say “No bog off” wait..That is kinda rude. Instead it can say “I am sorry my dear fellow, I don’t play cds”. Am doing this thru words cuz I am paranoid AOL will freeze. Apprently ‘kinda’ isn’t a word. How is kinda not a word?? We say it all the time. And I think americans do. It should obviously be in the computers’ dictionary. Also, everything that I write has a green line underneath it. Why am I gunna do grammer when I am doing my blog????? That kinda thing is for my English lessons and nothing else ty very much. I think I soulnd like an old woman. Arg, I think should publish this before I say anymore stupid things. I reackon I could be the queen of stupid things. Cuz well..in my head it works. Good thing no one can read my brain tho, they would be way out of their depth. Hehehehehehehe. I spose. I don’t mean that as in I’m brainy. I would like to be. But school-wise reports are gradually getting worse. Hmm.. Well it isn’t really my fault I have other stuff in my head. The things I write on here isn’t even half of the things that go round in my head everyday. Imagene if there was a guy that could read my brain. A nice guy, like Edmond in that book I read. He could seem to read the girl he loved’s mind. I would like a guy like that. Cuz if someone could read my mind explaining what I’m thinking would be easier. Cuz apparently I always look ‘thoughtful’. Well, according to my mum anyway. I have No Doubt-I’m Just A Girl On. I really don’t think that is doing me any favours sanity-wise. Y’know what? Has anyone accept me noticed that I say ‘kinda’, ‘spose’, ‘cuz’ and ‘Arg’ too much? Anyway. I’m gunna go and leave weird messages on my friend’s bebos. Ttfn.

OoOoOoh, almost forgot

HAO~PPY BIRTHDAY ROBYN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

really going now. byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I lost my fist entry cuz AOL forze, but now I'm glad I did. I really wasn't happy earlier and I think it's good that nobody saw the blog that I had written. I hadn't written anytyhing really terrible. I was just feeling low i spose. Am ok now tho. HAve had quite a good evening despite the fact that AOL is still really annoying me by only letting me write in chat for about a minute. Then I have to excit and go in again. And I've been booted off twice. It's wierd. ONe thing that did upset me today tho was a talk I had with Shona. I gave her a lot of oppertunitly to tell me the truth. and the fact that she didn't is still getting to me a bit. I am ok now tho. Can't really say why. But just am. Anyway. I have to go i promised i would be off by 10 tonight. XxXxX.

It isn't good at all, it is robably the worst song ever written. And it is embarrasing to myself to out it up on here. But I told myself that my feelings were gunna go into this blog, and well.. this song is part of that. It is only about the 3rd one I have written and I am hoping that I will get better at song writing in time. Or maybe I should just give up now. I probably should..

This is me
Unsure, incomplete
I think I want to swap
For a better model
Stir up that witch inside of me
Please stop adding to her cauldron
Don’t listen to what I say
Not like you’d care anyway

I’m sitting here all alone
In the middle of a vicious cycle
I want to cry
And make it go away
But eyes stay dry
Implosions are inside of me
How much time is there left

The sun will rise with a new day
It’s just a shame that it will rain
A dream will come true today
I wish that I was near it
Put in the wrong place
I am taunted
But sit alone
And I am haunted

I’m sitting here all alone
I the middle of a vicious cycle
I want to cry
And make it go away
Yet my eyes are dry
Burning inside of me
How much time is there left

I new life will begin today
Blinking in the sunlight
With a guidance through her life
Maybe she will be alright

I’m sitting here all alone
In the middle of a vicious cycle
I want to cry
And make it go away
But my eyes are dry
I have lost a part of me

Where is that part of me?
Please find that part of me

Now what is wrong with me?

Sorry everyone. I will try and make up something better next time.

hi. today wasn't great but wasn't terrible. that stupid boy that yelled at me yesterday heard me bitching about him today, im glad he heard, i hope he feels terrible. (ha ha, like he is gunna care). I actualy worked out how to read other peoples blogs today!! stupidly enough i am proud of myself, but, unfortunatly, i seriously doubt that is gunna get me thru my I.T SAT. Found out something quite bad today tho, there is a guy i used to talk with a lot called Ewan, and he is in hospital because something happened with his lungs yesterday, I wanna ask more abot it, but i don't know him very well so i can't really. Rose has gone to stay at Robyn's. don't mind 'm not going (io can't anyway). But i'm kinda worried. I doubt that they will like.. bitch. but.. from some things that have got said, well, let's just say i am a teeny bit paranoid. Well, today, i had to do this questionaire thingy for a new student PE teacher. I was actually honest and tried to be helpful. It's only cuz i like her. She is actually nice to me, and considering the fact that i am unbelievably crap in her lesson that is actually a pretty big surprise. I wrote a bit of a song yesterday. I wanna try and finish it but 1. it's crap, and 2. i'm not in the mood. In order to write a song i have to feel angry/upset/explodable. As you can imadgene my songs aren't exactly a barrel of laughs. To be honest i think that they are a new subtitue for crying. And they have worked quite well so far so i'm gunna stick with them.
My luchtime was kinda wierd today. I keep spending my lunches with groups of people. This is really wierd for me cuz I can't really be in big groups, its like.. i don't really know how or something. But i was with Deeon and Jemma and Rose (am always with her at lunch, cuz she is my best friend and the only person that i never fel a tiny bit shy/akward around). Anyway, Deeon and Jemma were making farmyard noises and the Infamous Devil, David Serum GHD Chip the 1st was in the area. He kept looking over. Grr!! How dare he look over doesn't he know that i hate him?? (no, he doesn't, but that isn't the point!) It sounds like i am being stupid, and I know that i am, but all i wanted was for him to be nice. And..well, he wasn't. So stuff him. He is and always will be the Infamous Devil. I'm not actually really posh to anyone that now thinks that. It was just the name that me and Rose thought up for him. It suits him. Anyway, about him looking over argh! When he saw i was looking he looked really scared and looked down tho. I'm glad, I don't want him looking over at us. I don't really like people staring in general, there is the boy in my french class that stares a lot. I dont like it and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I made the mistake of telling Rose and now she laughs everytime we walk past him. Not so he can hear or anything. Just arg. I don't wanna be looked at cuz i'm all stuoid and ugly. I really hate the way that I look. And people say that is just a typical teenagers thing. But it's not. I HATE how i look more than any other teenager in the world. I hate how I am aswell. I wish i could be this confident person. Well.. I can in my head, but just not.. in real life. Hugh's here. Oh joy. That means i can't watch BB. Oh well. Leo Sayer is gone at least. I can't believe i was stupid enough to think he was nice. First impressions are completly not akurate. Or however you spell it. I was reading this blog today, she was older, but it pretty much summed up how all the chav girls thought of themselves. They know they are pretty and skinny and that everyone loves them. But then it sounds like I want to be like them. Which I don't AT ALL!!!! I really would never want to be like them (i am making an effort to be nice at school atm). And they don't seem to have real friends or anything. And they are stupid enought to think that boys like stupid crappy yelling at me boy are attractive. ewwww. And they have boys like Ozzie all over them. they were all over Sam yesterday and she just let them. She bluashed and didn't look very happy about it but she didn't tell them to get ost or anything. Eww, actauly I am reallyyyy glad i'm not like them. Even if i wqould like to find a guy. I'm not that desperate. Thye are all really horrible at my school and they don't actually like Sam for who she is. they just like her.. God, I am never gunna be like that. I'll probably never have a boyfriend, but i think I would rather that than someone just go out eith me cuz of..
eww.

Hi. To anyone that cares the reason that I wasn’t here yesterday was that I felt so crap and pointless I didn’t think that it was worth writing an entry.
Today? Well, I was feeling a lot better but John has ruined that. He is being really really really horrible to me today, everything I say is ‘stupid’ and ‘boring’. I was thinking about talking to my mum about it, but she is already annoy ed with me cuz I am on the computer still and cuz I snapped at John a minute ago when he asked “what was the point?” of me going on the computer. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I talk at all, all I seem to do is make things bad and not help John. Ill just be a lemon from now on. Sit there and say nothing. Not that it’ll work out. Another thing that is annoying me slightly is Big Brother. I am interested in Jade Goody’s boyfriend. Not in ‘ that way’ but I have just noticed that he is really shy and doesn’t really have any confidence. Which I also think that Jade Goody doesn’t help with, when her mum got evicted he came over and tried to give her a hug, but she shoved him off and went off with a load of people that she barely knows. And she had a go at him. I don’t see why people in there don’t try more about talking to him. Isn’t it really obvious that he is shy and stuff? Well it is to me, nut Rose didn’t really notice as much as I did till I started talking about it. But then I can’t talk about it a lot because then everyone will think I fancy him, which, I don’t. I was like that with Mr (can’t really say second name). We had him for the cultural awareness day thingy at school. All the chavs absolutely loved him cuz he is down to earth and stuff. Also Robyn fancies him. And he had everyone sat in a circle and we had to go round asking him stuff about himself. But, well, some how, don’t really remember how, the subject of his dad came up. And.. well… I don’t know why, but I, I just kinda knew something had happened. Cuz for some reason I found him interesting (NOT in that way) so I was watching carefully. And, well, I noticed something in his eyes kinda.. go out, I think, when his dad came up. And about 5 minutes later I got my explanation. His dad left and his mum didn’t want them to have anything to do with the dad so she changed his name or something. It sounds weird I know, but for some reason I’m always gunna remember that. I bet he would think it was weird if he knew, I mentioned it too Rose but she didn’t really think about it much. I think that must be why I don’t really fit in. Cuz I watch. Anyway, so, today has been okay I spose. Well there was a couple of things that upset me. Mainly this.. In maths, Geena wanted me to sit by her, and there was a free seat so I went and sat in it. And there was a chav in the chair next to this seat and he started yelling at me when I sat down. And I don’t mean that as in me blowing this out of proportion. He was really shouting at me, just for sitting there. It really upset me a lot. But I know, he wouldn’t care. But I defiantly hate him now. He’s a STUPID PATHETIC LITTLE BOY!!!!!!!! I know that I sound like a bitch. But I really don’t have a place where I can say what I am really thinking. All the time at the moment I feel as tho I have a big cauldron inside me and everything I constantly being sturred around. Again, that sounds drama queenish. But it is how I feel. And I wanna be happy, but all of it is stopping me. And… well…. When I could cry I didn’t have this problem. I just feel like crying but the nothing actually happens. I think I have an alien inside of me that uis constantly screaming. Anyway. Apologies to anyone who read this. Night.

Am supposed to be out at that thing but mum and John are really tired so we didn't end up going. Am kinda dissapointed but there isn't really anything that I can do. We are watching that new Gillian Mceath thing. You Are What You Eat. It is aking me feel kinda fat tho, cuz I prefer the stuff that she is saying that you can't have. Measured my waist a minute ago tho, and I'm jnot over the thingy that makes you over weight. I just don't look anything like all teh stupid lucky sikinny chav girls at school. Oh well. It's back on. bye.

today was a bit stressful, had to go around school looking for er..things becuase i didn't think about taking any with me, took about half an hour, i don't have time to go into why. Sammie told me something really terible today, i definatly can't say, but i feel bad about it, cuz i really can't help, i just need to get someone to chnage subjects a bit i think. Mike is the same, he says he hates life. things are difficult for him tho, but i'll make sure he is ok. anyway got to go, am watching BB cuz it makes me laugh.

Hi. Today was pretty good. Have had bad stomach pains and stuff, but I spose that can't really be helped. Mike said something sweet today, he is still upset. So is Sammie, she was really honest with me today, now I am more worried tan I usually am. But I can't really help. I'm doing my best, I spose it might help a little bit that she feels she can tell someone. Saw Shona today. i am finding it hard to talk to her. She hasn't come into conact with SAmmie yet, I expect she is avoiding her. But she doesn;t know I know about her lying, which is kinda annoying cuz I want her to leave me alone. I had to go pretty soon after she came in tho, which was good. I had an excuse to leave. ugh. I'm so horrible. Anyway. Hopefully it won't rain tomorow, I don't want to be rained on. Am gunna go and starightned my hair. No point it'll just get wet. Big sigh. hehe. Ahh well. Byyyeeeeeeee xxx.

Hi. Mike was upset today. Can't go into why, but he said some stuff that scared me a bit. He apolagised afterwards tho which is ok. Not like Shona.. And Mike2 (I talk to 2 and one is an amazing friend and one isn't such a great friend so I'm gunna call the not such great friend one mike2 so we know the difference). Mike2 keeps going on at me to go out with him (on the internet? No thanks) And there are a lot of other reasons, mainly that I am trying to sort myself out atm. And I got cross with him, cuz he came into chat and said, "You got your head sorted yet?" no, espacially not today. But oh well, how could I have expected him to know that. He is just an insensetive guy.
Anyway, apart from that today was pretty good, we took John duck feeding and being at dad's wasn't too bad Mandy wasn't there of most of the day, I actually kinda enjoyed myself. (yeah yeah, I know, everyone faint). Anyway, I have to go, mum keeps telling me I'm getting ill cuz never go to bed. (yeah yeah.. wenever I'm ill all docters try and do is send me to a shrink). Ha Ha.

Just watched the first (well, in the UK anyway) Ugly betty. I really liked it. Then men in it were horrible tho. But I spose they had to stay true to realitly. (hehehehehehe). School wasn't too bad, well, apart from first lesson. They made us play football in the rain. So I was being crap at football, and getting wet. I really hated it. But after that things did get a lot better. Well, someone told me off in science cuz I apoligise for nothing all the time. I tend to do it when I feel all nervous. And around some people I do. I don't really know why. Well, I do. It's cuz I'm trying really hard to say someting interesting, and I can't think of anything to say. The I think people think I'm moody and unfriendly. And I'm not. I just tend to stand and think to myself when I am in a room of people that I don't really know. I have Paramore on again tonight. We sorted out ther morgage today. We won't have to change it again for 2 years. And the man that ehlps us to find one that is sutible for us is friendly, which is nice. wonder if dad got his job..
Anway, I'm gunna go, I wanna check my Bebo before I egt kicked off.

hi. Today wasn't actualy that bad in the end. I think it is cuz my first lesson was quite fun. Me and Scarlett were chopping up a pen (don't ask). And then second lesson was crap and Elsa asked me "what had I done to my hair?" Whichc made me feel like crap for a while. And i definatly think the chavs think that I look stupid. Cuz they keep pointing out my hair being different to eachother. And it is making me feel even more self concious then usual. But, Oh, well, I have deicded that I like my hair and why should I worry about them liking it, I don't like their hair. I have Invincible on again, the words are soooooooooooo sweet ( I know that I have said that already) hehe. Anyway, that song is over, I think I'm going to put on Starlight. That is less soppy and should wake me up a bit. I'm going to be lame in a minute and go and watch Big Brother. It is a load of rubbsih, but it is distracting and funny. I didn't se it last night, so I'm not sure about who is on it, I hope John doesn't go in a moood when I watch it, I really would like to, but if he is gunna get in s stress it isn't really worth it. He is kinda mood swingy this evening. Well, he has been watching for ages, well, since Eastenders. Speaking of eastender, wow! It has never been more depressing, and that is when Pauline was alive, you wouldn't believe things would be worse when she was dead. It is amazing how you have to die to make anyone care about you. Well, either that or get famous. But that won't ever happen to me. Ugh. My hair feels all greasy, it is cuz I keep playing with it, and I didn't was it cuz mum said it wasa bit soon, and now I am really wishing that I had, I spose I could wash I roots. I might do that. Arghhhh. Why did \I just wash it?? Ahh well. Can't really be helped now. Anywa, Big Brother time. byeeeee.

Once again I find myself doing this via Word because AOL froze everything again. I’ll just paste it on when I am finished. I can’t believe that this is the last day of the holidays. I am really dreading tomorrow. My stomach hurts and I feel sick because I don’t wanna go so much. I have actually felt reasonably okay for the last few weeks, well, apart from when Hugh is around. Well, I got my hair cut today. I like it, well, I think I do. I’m just worried about what everyone will think tomorrow. What if they all do that bitchy look? Well, if they do, I’ll just have to never go back (ha ha). Well, there goes another new years resolution, I am not even slightly organised, just did a bit of homework that I have had the whole of the holidays to do, and when do I do it? 9:30 the day before I am due back at school. Ahh well. It’ll be okay, at least I did do it. Have been watching GhostBusters with mum and John this evening. I didn’t want to originally but it was quite funny in the end. I have defiantly changed my mind about that song that Mike is obsessed with form the Muse album I got. It’s called Invincible and the words are amazingly sweet and everything. After having a proper listen to it, it but Matthew Bellamy in a whole new light as far as I am concerned. Anyone who can write a song as amazingly sweet and ‘aww’ as that is defiantly worth thinking about. Heehee. I want a Muse poster now. I don’t have any Muse type things. Well, apart from the sticker in my purse and the album (obviously) I haven’t actually seen any Muse poster things, I spose I’ll have to look in Sainsbury’s. OoOoOoO speaking of Sainsbury’s, I saw that guy today, I felt really sorry for him, cuz he was doing trolleys and it was raining. Anyway, I had better go and get bag ready for tomorrow and stuff, I’m not giving up on my resolutions yet.

Got another My Chemical Romance cd today. It's their first one. I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love. It is really good. I also read a bit about them today. Becuase despite the fact that they are my favourite band, I didn't know all that much about them. I founs out that Gerard Way put the band together about a week after the 9/11 attacks. He saw it happen and it was his way of dealing with it. I really want to meet Gerard way, he must be an amazing person. well, by amazing, I also mean interesting. But, I don't think he woud be interested it me. Ah, well, I'll just look at my MCR posters and dream. Heehee. So far my the track i like best is, Demolition Lovers. I tis really god, but a bit wierd. Am going to that tuesday night thing today. Hopefully it'll be fun. Hopefully it'll be on. I'm always a bit paranoid we'll get there and it won't be on. I hope that doesn't happen. I also hope (as long as it is on) that it'll be fun. I'm sure it will be, it usually is. now I'm paranoid I'm the only one that thinks that. Ahh well, the curse of being me (ha ha). Anway I should go andget ready. xXxXxXx.

How long will thse last?? eek.

1. be more organised.
2. Eat healthy.
3.STOP biting my nails
4.Practise buitar EVERYDAY
5.get fader!!!!
6.Be a better friend
7.Make bed everyday
8.Get more confident
9.Have nice hair
10.Change how I look

eek, well I'm getting my hair cut on Wednesday, so that'll help with 2 of them.

hello 2007. It didn't really get off to the best start. To begin with adults are absolutly mad. This is why i was being draged acroos Dartmoor in hail rain and wind, cuz 'it's good to get some fresh air' And when I was trying really hard not to be moody. hugh (as usual) was being really horrible to John. We were waiting outside some loos on the way home and John waited outside but I stayed in the car and Hugh sat there saying things like "Why does he stay out there" "is he completly stupid?" etc. And So I told him not to comment cuz it wasn't worht it. And then when he carried on I said it wasn't John's fault cuz he doesn't think about it really. And then Hugh said "yeah, cuz everyone has to think for him!" and at that point I lost it with him. HOW DARE HE! then I get called horrible etc. But whp really cares. He cannot say that kind of stuff about John. John is special needs, he isn't lik everbody else, he doesn't think the same. That is no reason to be horrible to him! And also Hugh expects him to grow up, cuz he still seems really young even tho he is 16. But how can a person grow up when there is something in their brain that means they can't? This is the thing that really gets me though. His latest job is to design a building for these people who own a special needs school. And he is going on about how 'interested' he is and how he wants to know 'how people's minds work' FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!! that is a lie he never tried with John, he makes him worse, half the time we have had a really good day with him untol Hugh arrives and ruins EVERYTHING! I hate him. And my mum is worried about me saying this to him cuz she thinks that he'll hit us. If he did I would be gone. No question about it. I woldn't care. I just wouldnt wana be within a million miles of him. I don't want to be now, but it isn't like I have any choice. And then today I had to pretened to be nice for my mum and John's sake. I told my mum when Hugh had gone though. And she looked really upset which I feel bad about. But what can I do? When i was on my own I started shaking and stuff. I really want to cry. Today has been so frustrating! But I just can't. Everything is just feeling worse and worse. It isn't that I don't wana be here anymore. Cuz I would never say something like that. It's just after days like today. If i could go up to my room and bawl my eyes out I@m sure that I would feel a hell of a lot better. That's what I always used to do. And it always worked. But now I have nothing. I also have no escape place either. it used to be the internet. But it just stresses me even more now. Anyway. I have to go.