Angst? Me? Never.

hi. sorry about last night, I was seriously scared. But I spoke to Sammie and the Host HP about it today, and they both think that she must be lying becuase she was talking about it openly in chat and stuff, I think that she just wants the attention. I just got really scared last night. I have Snow Patrol on at the moment. I love this song, it's Hands Open. It is my favourite of the album, well, along with Chasing Cars, i LOVE that song more than any of the rest of them. Ooooh, more good news (and I'm not being sarcastic) it turns out that Sammie can stay with YT 'till the day before her 18th!! So she doesn't have to leave for a year and a bit! Which still isn't great, but it is amaizng compared to before. OoOoOoOh, Chasing Cars is on now. I think I scared Mike last night, after I had written this I splurged it all out to him. I don't think he really wanted to hear it tbh. But, I guess at least I told someone. I started writing a song yesterday. CRAP!! I think that I might haveleft it downstairs. CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!! back. Phew, it was down there but (hopfully) nobody read it. That would be extreemly terrible. It isn't finished, they don't know I write songs. And it is personal. (And rubbish) I wonder if John is still in a bad moood.. he was becuase what we were doing this evening got changed. My fault as usual. I feel really bad about it. But I spose that there isn't really anything that I can do know. Also, I'm not sure if Sammie is annoyed with me. Cuz there were a lot of arguments in chat today andwhen I got involved in one CA (host) was all 'Calm down take a deep breath' it was sweet and I apprieciated it, but she didn't say that too Sammie, she warned her. I hope she isn't annoyed with me. We have been getting on really amazingly recently, I really like being able to talk to her about stuff, cuz she is one of the only people that seems to understand me. And she also makes me feel better about it. It seems wierd how people end up ahving arguments in chat rooms. It usually start from someone saying somethin about another oncversation (that they aren't involved in) and stuff. Or (this is the worst one) pretending they are about to kill themselves or somthing. Like what the person was saying to me last night. Except, rather than carrying on with the lie they say only kidding sorry I was bored. It is ridiculous. And half the time when we tell them that they shouldn't have said it we get told off. Which I really don't see as fair. Anway. I spose that I shoulsd shut up about that. I did read something really really terrible today. Some complete sicko filmed them killed Sadaam Hussian and has put it on the internet or sumthing. What kind of twisted person would do that?? The guy is dead! It is disgusting that some person would want to film that kind of thing. And it makes me wonder why there wasn't security to make sure that it didn't happen. It's like when Steve Irwin died, that was filmed cuz he was filming at the time, but some sicko put that on the net aswell. Another thing, why would u wanna watch it?? It is horrible and not something that you should want too see happen. I was really upset when STeve Irwin died, cuz it was like someone I had been watching all my life on tv and then suddenly they were gone. Everybody took the mick out of me when I said that. And they were for weeks. I didn't really mind that much. But I just didn't get why nobody else seemed to really care. Then the thing with Richard Hammond happened, I was so upset aboout that.anywa, I have to go and watch pirates of the caribean. hehehe. HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

the last post was saturday. great now I dont even know the days of the week. i wish i could cry. things we feel better if i could. but i cant and it isnt going to go away. oh god. help. what if.. UGH why si she doing this to me?? if she id lying, omg. i really hope she isnt putting me thru this for nothing. but then i hope she is cuz she is my friend and i care about her and i dont want her to be cutting. ooooohhhhhhhh. arghhhhhhhhh.

Ugh, my head is messed up today. I don't feel bad health-wise, it's just. arrggghhhh!! To start off with, they killed Sadam Hussian today. And I know that he has done too many worse than terrible or any other owrds like that things. But, well, I never preach, seriously, ever! But, well, it has been upsetting me for a while. And I totally 100% agree that he should rot in prison, but, I can't agree with killing, no matter how I look at it. And that's when I come to the bit about preaching. People shouldn't be killed by other people. Life and eath is God's choice and only he can end life. I know that no one is ever going to understand that. But I get it. I really do. And..well, i guess I should shut up about that. The other thing that I am really really really worried upset and freaking about is one of my friends from the internet. I wont say which one. But she told me that she cuts herself. and that she will probably have to change the sheets in the morning becuase they wil be convered and blood and stuff. It has really scared me, I want to talk to Sammie about it, cuz she is the only other person who knows. But she isn't sure if the person is lying because s/h isn't something that you really tell people about. I don't want her too be lying. But at the same time i do, because then I wouldn't have too worry as much as I am now. I don't know what to do, I want too help. But I can't. Im so scared.

I feel worse than crap. My head hurts, my ears hurt, my neck hurts, and i feel like I have been run over by a lorry several times. But apart from that I spose everything is fine. i have watched 2 of the cheesiest films on the planet today (both absolute crap) The LIzzie Magiure Movie and then later on High Scool Musical. Until I saw the second one, the first was te cheeseit thing I have seen in ages. We went to do food shopping, but stupid amazingly gorgous guy wasnt there!!! Anyway, I'll live.
I think my head is gunna blow up. Going to bed.

Well i guess today has been ok. I've been feeling wierd all day, not sad really, just different. I cleaned my room!!! That really does show how wierd I was feeling. My gran went home today, she was really sweet the whole time she was here, well, just before she left she has a quick nag about me having my music too loud. But, apart from that it was really great. I could tell that my mum was really sad that she has too go. I feel a bit bad about that. But then I think I know how she feels. Kinda. the dinner last night was amazingly fun, me and Rose had a really good time. We were laughing within seconds of her being here. it is like that thought, when you haven't seen anyone your own age for a week or so, when you do see someone, it clicks. It was really nice, cuz I was kinda worried that I would have nothing to say. She really is my best friend. I hope.. Well, just not a repeat of what happened with Lara. My chair broke a minute ago, my mum went and got another one. Basically all of the legs fell off. heehee. So I'm actually ok this evening. (shock, i know) I probably still sound all dumb. But I guess I just can't help that. The book my mum gave me for christmas 6X - the unsensored conffesions is really good. It is definatly one to kepp away from her eyes though, not that she would ever have her glasess too look at it. I just spose that niether of us knew what it was really about when it was brought. Not that that eally bothers me, i spose I prefer it that way, I love all the romantic books. Never know, maybe I will find a nice guy in 2007 (ha ha). I seems to have gained another family today, in the chat room me and immy and chlo and becca. We are mooses. (dont ask). And too start off with we were making a chat room band, but then we got into this mooses thing. Which i spose was quite kewl. Now Chlo is my sister and jesse, soph, immy and katie are my neices. Mike wasn't there though, not that I'm completly sure he would have enjoyed it. I e mailed him about the Soph thing. He just said I don't think it's your fault and then this So it probably is. She basically has stopped talking with mike and chlo becuase she doesn't feel like they are all close anymore. And about the time she started too feel like that was when I came into their chatty group thing. It's amazing how much i can worry about a chat room. i wonder if any of them even think about me, when they are offline. I think about them. Wonder what they are doing etc. Then I wonder of they ever think about me. I doubt it. I always seem to care about people. But they are kinda indifferent. I I guess if I told them I felt like that they would get kinda freaked out. Maybe I'm just being stupud. Hmmm. i have Paramore on again. I love this album so much. I wanna be in a band. Be famous. I wish I could so much, I mean, I know that it won't ever happen, but I/m gunna try really hard to teach myself guitar anyway. All I'd have too do to make the time is too stop watching crap on tv. I spose that is just me 'winding down' Whatever that is. Somehow, depending on my mood music has more impact on me. That's the thing about music, I would love more than anything to be able to make people feel the way music makes me. To stand on a stage and stuff. But I'd just blush and run away. And everyone would laugh. And I wish I could be as brave as Brendon Urie, he still carried on doing shows after some arsehole knocked him out with a bottle. But I spose he had the support of the rest of the people in Panic! At The Disco. Imadgene if you sang on you own and that happened. I think I would want too cry. This is random, but these lyrics I heard are kinda me: And I confess that I cant be a little slefish/yeah, I'll admitt I don't want you too help me through this. That is definatly me. I try really hard not too just think about myself. But, well, it's difficult to think of something as "Oh she's just having a bad day" When someone is yelling at you. But then Sammie says that being in a 'bad mood' is no excuse. And i guess that it isn't really. I don't know if I take it out of people when I am in a bad mood. I take it out on this. And I am a miserable cow and I rant about anything that slightly annoys me. But I don't like, fal out with people. Sorry, just too start on something else that is upsetting me. I probably shouldn't let it. But, well, before Robyn moved away I think that her and Rose might have been laughing at me all the time. it's just cuz of some of the stuff that Rose says. Like if I say something stupid or luagh dumbly or something. She says, "oh me and robyn used to try and get you too do that" And a couple of times before Robyn moved, well, basically, I got too hot it school for a couple of days and I tied my jumper round my waist cuz there wasn't any room in my bag. and when I mentioned i was boiling, I remeber Robyn saying "Oh (laugh) me and rose thought it was one of your new 'styles' (laugh)" And at that point I wanted too cry again. I know that it is stupid. Its just, well I trust Rose with everything. it's just sometimes Robyn says stuff too me on the phone. And I don't know, it just sounds as if all that happens is them laughing at me. And well, basically, I cant really tell anyone, I was gunna put it on the AOL message boards, and I still might. But i just sound so pathetic. I just don't get what I've dont half the time. When Robyn was still here sometimes when she was talking to her other friends and they were all ignoring me so I went off and talked to somebody else. Then i'd get called SC for a while (social climber if anyone's interested.) And thinking about all of it just makes me want to cry. They also had stuff like secret nicknames for me. Thye were calling me 'Monty' for ages and wouldnt tell me why. And they would do it then give eachother a look then laugh. It just makes me wonder what it was that I did wrong. I did try really hard. I spose that just made it even worse. But now, I was stupid enough to think that it would be over when she left. But it isn't really. I mean Robyn is my best friend and everything. She just..makes me feel like she really hates me and wouldnt mind if i threw myself in front a loory..sometimes. But then I feel really hjorrible and giulty, cuz some of the time she ca be the best friend in the world. It's just.. the other times. And I know I shouldn't be moaning. Much worse things happen in schools, like bullying. And getting beaten up. Much worse things that secret nicknames and languages and stuff. I just, dunnno really. It makes me want too lock myself up forever, like I shouldn't be seen. I'm so dumb, I've actually made myself sad. You see, this is the timw when I used too cry and then in the end I felt better about everything. But now? I sit here. Waiting for my head to explode. Ha ha.

So, I guess I had better start thinking up my news years resolutions soon. I know one of them now, I thought of it when me and Ben were e mailing a couple of days ago. Be more organised. I really need to. I am forever doing homework in the morning on the way too school. Heehee. nd I have been doing my french homework in art loads of times. And, just in general, with things like birthdays, i never know when they are, and I always say happy birthday, but I never remeber for getting people cards or anything. I'm doing my blog earlier todau becuase Rose and her mum and dad are coming around to have dinner here later. Which is nice for me and my mum. Hopefully Richard (her dad) will have a bit of a chat with John. I don't really know what they wil talk about, John has gone back to being moody all the time now that CHristmas is all over and done with, it's a shame, I was hoping that he would stay happy for at least a few days. Anyway, I have to go, lunch is ready, I'll write again later if I have time. xxx.

Am doing this through Word again, all AOL does is freeze, luckily, this time I hadn’t actually done any writing yet. I have my Paramore album on again, it is amazing how much one song can some up my feelings. Even thought it was written by someone else and she probably feels completely different about it. I think I might put the lyrics of the song on here, cuz as this is for how I’m feeling, well Hayley Williams has written how I feel in a song. For her, it is probably about a relationship, for me, it isn’t, but. It still reflects my feelings. So, here are the lyrics:

Paramore – Pressure

Tell me where our time went
And if it was time well spent
Just don’t let me fall asleep feeling empty again
Cause I fear I might break, and I fear I can’t take it
Tonight I’ll lie awake feeling empty
I can feel the pressure it’s getting closer now
We’re better off without you
I can feel the pressure it’s getting closer now
Not that I’m loosing hope
And there’s nothing else to show
For all these days we spent carried away from home
Some things I’ll never know and I had to let them go
I’m sitting all alone feeling empty
I can feel the pressure it’s getting closer now
We’re better off without you
I can feel the pressure it’s getting closer now
We’re better off without you
Some things I’ll never know
And I had too let them go
Some things I’ll never know
And I had to let them go
I’m sitting here all alone feeling empty
I can feel the pressure it’s getting closer now
We’re better off without you
I can feel the pressure it’s getting closer now
We’re better off without you
I can feel the pressure it’s getting closer now
You’re better off without me

I’m not saying, “oh everyone feel sorry for me” Cuz, apart form on here I haven’t told anyone, there wouldn’t be any point, I just sound horrible and selfish, I probably am horrible and selfish. And most people probably hate me. The other song I love fomr that album is ‘Brighter’ it isn’t that I relate to it, I don’t at all, I just love it.

hi x
am having a good day, well, kinda. I mean, everything is great and all, but, i just feel kinda sad. I have absolutly no idea why. I hope Sammie is ok, I was hoping the chat rooms would be open but they weren't. I said I'd go back downsaitrs soon. So basically it is pretty kewl. I have got loads of stuff that I really wanted, Paramore, RHCP,Snow Patrol,Lacuna Coil, Muse. So I am happy abou that kinda thing, I just don't know. I sound so horrible and stupid, buit i can't help it. I was definatluy right, everything is going wrong between mum and Hugh again. He is being nice, but that is only cuz his parents are here. So that's another reason I should go back dowstairs, me running up here as soon as we ate wasn't exactly polite. I just can only be nice for so long. Cral is SO annoying. I spose at least he isn't going on about rocks today. I don't know if this is just me, but I think he is flirting with my gran. Ew, he has his wife with him and everything. She just looks moody (not that I can comment) But that isn't really that unsual for her. I guess I'm just hvaing one of those days where I'm constantly thinking about all the things that I am upset about at the moment. But one good thing is I have found (well my mum told me about) a way to stop over type, just press insert! Whoo! Well thats one less anoying thing. Heehee. this song Paramore - Pressure, is how I feel. Anyone that knows it now knows how I am feeling. Not that I'm pretending there is someone who reads this and acres. I bet it's not been read since the realy kewl people left nice comments, you have no idea how nice that made me feel, that someone read my crap and bothered to make a nice comment. Well, thanks, it made me happy.

Today has been ok. My gran arrived earlier and she has been really nice. Shhe hasn't made me feel bad or like she hates me or anything. So I spose I just have too keep up whatever I am doing right. Am seriously worried about mum and Hugh now. I hate Hugh. My mum is trying really hard to make Christmas nice for everyone and he just goes "Oh, I wish we were in the carbien!" and he is just being hughish, Si all day my mum won't be enjoying herself cuz she'll be worrying about him and I'll be worrying about her. And now she has got another admierer. This time it's Andy the postman. I don't know if I am being unfair, but it's kinda depressing that my mum has about 10000 men in love with her. whereas I have a grand total of 0. Yeah, anyway, so, I'm waiting for us to run away to Cornwall again, that's what happened last time she and Hugh broke up. I wonder how long the whole argument thing will last. I'm sick of all of it, it just makes me want too leave. I am always close to telling him too get lost. He knows I think that he ruins everything, I've told him. I don't get why he sticks around. I dont think I'm the only one that doesn't want him too.

hiii. Well I coldn't write yesterday becuase AOL wouldn't let me online. It's really annoying. Nothing much happened yesterday. Sammie was upset and I'm not sure why. I think it is just cuz it's nearly Christmas. So, yesterday, the day before Christmas eve. Am I excited? Kind of. But, I can see another major break down coming between mum and Hugh, which is kinda bringing me down a lot. Alos went to see Nana and Granddad. He really isn't well. I want him to be ok. I wish that I knew him a lot better than I do, but he isn't very talkative and it's a bit akward. I spoke to mum about it and she says tha is just how he is. So I spose that I shouldn't worry about it.

This is the 3rd time I am doing my blog tonight. It’s so annoying! And stupid AOL doesn’t seem to get why I don’t want to log back on, I’m doing this in word then I’m just going to copy it on. I can’t b bothered with that again. Basically, I was the most honest I have been for ages. Then, when it froze the first time (when I got back one) I was again. Its so annoying. I think I’m gunna give this up and become a cave man.
Basically, I have realised a lot today. I knew already that I was unhappy with the way that things are. But I was thinking more about why I hated them today. Basically there are a lot of things that I am completly sick of and I hate. I’m sick of people wanting me to do everything they say. I’m sick of being the other one. I’m sick of school. But most of all I’m sick of adults. I’m sick of the way that they treat me. I’m sick of them speaking to me like I’m a pile of crap (by adults I don’t mean my mum, she’d never treat me like that) It’s just all the others. I seriously hate them! I don’t want to be looked down on by some crap stupid lame teacher! I don’t see why people think that teachers don’t get payed enough, why dont even deserve what they do get! People are always all “Oh, teenagers these days” and “Look what she’s become” Is there really any wonder??! We get treated like crap. Like, “oh they aren’t an adult so they don’t count” People don’t seem to realise that what happens to us does actually affect the way we are. Like, being called pathetic is really so the way to discipline your pupils. Yeah, and make me run the race again on my own cuz I came last. Oh, what a confidence booster. Not. You all think that just cuz your over 25 you can treat us however the hell you want. Not true! I hate all of it and I’m not putting up with iit anymore. I don’t want to be deliberately rude, but I’m not standing for crap anymore. I don’t want to be the stupid crap Lydia I am. I want to be confident. But how can I be when all u so called ‘adults’ treat my like you do?? I would have such a nicer conversation with an angry 22 year old. They would know what I mean. And if they were angry it’s probably cuz some arsehole adult made them that way!
So fine. Call me a typical teenager with no respect. But please, for my sake, just stop for a minute to consider how you think I got that way.

hello. had an ok day, not quite as good as yesterday tho. I think it is mainly cuz i didn't really get any sleep last night. Did have one uncontrollable laughing fit when me and my mum were making mince pies tho. she walked into a spoonful of philadelphia (probably best to not ask) and one other sweet thing happened, I was talking with Mike (friend on the internet) and he said he didn't know what he would do without me, it was weet cuz people don't say that kinda stuff to me. I haven't really done anything that deserves for him to say that, but it was sweet. all i've done is trry and help him throught issues with school and his girlfriend and some other stuff that I won't say cuz I don't think that he'd want me to. Have just watched toda as yesterdays The Worst Christmas Of My Life. It wa really funny, but painful to watch, if you see what I mean. Well anyone that watches it might. Another thing about last night, keep ahving starnge dreams about various different blokes. I don't really kow if I like any guys at the moment but I always think maybe I do after the dreams. Oh well.. it would never happen anyway. That is a thing me and Rose are kinda obbsessed with, romance and stuff, i've been reading slushy books for such a long time. heehee, It's good but depresing. The bst one I have ever read is Victoria and the Rogue by Meg Cabot. Anyone into romantic type books will love it. It's a bit embarrasing, but my mum is in love with it too. Ok, I know I'm rambling tonight, but this is for my thoughts right? Welll right now I'm thinking about Jeremy Sumpter from one of the Peter Pan films. mmmmmmmm!! That somes him up really, hima dn Gerard Way <3 <3 <3 i could go on forever about them. I wish I could meet Gerard Way, but, even if I did he wouldn't really care about talking too me. I'm not one of the amazing people that I think he is probably friends with. If he has a girlfriend (i dunno if he does) I wonder what she would be like... I expect she would be beautiful and skinny and all that. And kind and I bet every person that meets her would be in love with her. Ok, now I'm seriously depressed. Don't really mind so much with Jeremy Sumpter, he'd settle for Wendy. And aparently Guy of Gisbourn would settle for the Vicar of Dibley. Hugeeeeeeeeee sigh.I think it's just 'one of thoser evenings' maybe somthing amazing will happen. I hope it does, cuz at the moment I'm getting just a little bit sick of things. That sounds selfish tho, I mean, one day I'll come on here after having an amazing day and be like, yh I love how things are. I'm just having an off day. Me and Robyn were talking abut this, we are worried that we are never going to get married and be like 50 year old flirts. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just wanna have kids, i love babies and that whole mother hood thing. I can't talk to anyone about that tho cuz all i get is "oh my gosh, ur pregnant" when I'm not. Nobody is really at that stage exept me. Also, the ninja pirate guy has stopped e mailing me, he asked how old I was and when I told him i never got a reply. I don't think that is fair myself. But some of the stuff he said was quite sweet and I have to remeber. He just told me the usual stuff about not letting people get me down, but people can say that. I doesn't make it any easier.
anyway. im nakered. bye.

Today was good. I love waking up on a school day and realising its the holidays! its soooooo kewl. i had to go shopping today tho, but, as much as i hate shopping, it wasnt too bad, i got some jeans, some reallyyy kewlie skinny jeans and a spike belt. ooh and i got a purse with cherries on it. Steve sent us the its a boy bords game which was really kewl aswell. we didnt know if it was completly finished, well not since the tv thing anyway. A guy i e mailed about his website (which is hilarious) e mailed me back today, and i wasn't actually expecting him too. it was wierd. he was actually really nice and stuff. he told me his website ishis bored at work life lessons. still funny tho. also has a really good time in the chat rooms today. mike, a guy i have been talking too for quite a while now and me had a really ince talk. we sumtimes dont really, but today, it flowed, which it does most fo the time, but, he hasnt been that happy recently, so it hasn't so much. SO, it was definatly a good start to the holidays. Tonight i have LostProphets on and I'm completly happy. tomorow i have to do some extreemly last minute shopping. oh, i have to go, im unna watch The Secret Millionaire. Yes, i am a sad sad person. heehee.

yayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!! finally, holidays!
and its nearly christmas which is pretty kewlllllllllllie aswell. The last day was sort of ok, but we had loads of essemblies which was a bit depressing. Well, they weren't meant to be, but they were full of amazingly talented pretty people, which is basically everything I'm not, so I felt a bit crap. But now its ok. am a bit rushed tonight cuz we go to a thing on Tuesdays at these peoples house. it is about god and christianity and stuff, but it is kewl. I dont really know that i am a christian, as there are a few things i disagree with, but im doing my best. anyway, dinner is ready, i had better go.
bye xxxxxx

Hello! I’m actually quite happy today, even tho this is the second time I am doing my blog as AOL thought it would be nice to freeze and make me loose everything. Whooo!! I have done all my Christmas shopping AND wrapping! AND, I’ve got my letter ready to send Robyn! Complete with giftcard. (Yes I know that is cheating, but she is really hard to buy for.) Last day of school tomorrow! Yayyyyyyyy!!!!!!! Im sooooooo happy, no more school till 2007. As much as Mr L can be annoying, in some ways, he is a kewl form tutor. Today me and Rose left after about 5 minutes of Tutorial, and he didn’t notice, we walked past him a few times and he didn’t ask us where we thought we were going or anything. Heehee. It was good tho, because for once we sort of had fun, none of the other forms were doing anything interesting tho, we went and had a look. So, in some ways school can be sort of okish….i spose. We did have one emergency where we had to run away pretty quickly, cuz a lady came and yelled at another couple of escapees and we were right behind her, so we had to run away. Ah well, it’s all fun really. Good to have a bit of danger, well not really danger, but, um, excitement I spose. Not really so much from this teacher tho, I have to admit she is pretty scary. Actually terrifying. Not quite as scary as the drums from Jumanji. I don’t think it gets much scarier than that, or, if it does, I can promise I won’t be watching it. Another thing, teachers get so stressy about nothing, today in history we were watching some old war film, which was basically people dying all over the place which, after a while, can get a tiny bit depressing, so me and rose got bored and started singing Christmas songs instead. Miss G got so amazingly stressy, she even stopped doing her nails to yell at us (which I would never have thought was possible!) And she said our table was the worst in the lesson bla bla bla bla cuz she’s made the mistake of thinking we care etc. And its not as if we haven’t tried being nice to her, last week Karly walked in and said “wot we doing today then Miss” and she said in her shrieky oooh lets deafen Lydia voice “uh, you’ll find out in a minute wont you!!” so much for being nice. That’s the thing about teachers and adults parents etc etc, they always go on about us being rude and stuff, but we try being nice and they are horrible. Stupid bunch of hypocrites.

Well, I got the essay done in the end, it didn't really stop the whole boredem thing tho. But I'm okay now, I'm actually really relaxed. Yesterday in the chat rooms, I met a host who has 2 children with special needs and a leader with a son with special needs, it was really kewl becuase they said me and Shona (a girl I speak to a lot on the internet) can talk anytime. Shona is a young carer, I think she is amazing, becuase I could never take care of John by Myself. I feel as though he hates me most of the time. But that is another great thing about the internet, I actually have close friend that I've never met, nobody really understands when I try and tell them, but I really do talk with most of them nearly everyday. and I get on really well with some of the hosts aswell. and the leaders rock!!! I could go on about this all night, so I'll shut up no. hehe. Yeah, so..I'm very happy and relaxe this evening. I thinknlistening to Panic! At The Disco helped a lot, I'm wierd like that, but sometimes my music determines my mood. Anyway, I have to go
bye xxxxx

Need to be unique: 19%
Need to NOT conform: 77%
Willingness to express dissent: 67%
Overall score: 47%

is that a good thing? I'm going on a lot of wierd websites today, I don't really know why. Just out of bordem I spose..

Ugh, I have to finsih my essay on Animal Farm later, no offence Mr.Orwell, but i didn't exactly love your book. If i'm completly honest I thought it was very boring. I don't see how they expect me to write an essay on a book I didn't even enjoy, even tho Mandy has had a go at me already saying I don't understand the underlying story line bla bla bla, yes! I get that it is about communism and stuff!! But that doesn't mean that I have to enjoy it! It's boring AND miserable. And in my opinion, that doesn't really make a good book.
I've had my rant heehee. I'll go now.

Had a pretty good day actually, was at my dad's house and Mandy wasn't being too horrible wich makes a nice change. John is still really hyper becuase of it nearly being christmas. I might look up Autsim tho, and see if I agree with mum. John is Aspergers syndrome, and we have never really thought about the fact that they might have diagnosed him wrong. But now my mum thinks that they might have done becuase she was looking up somthing the otherday and she foudn out that john is more like a type of autism, there are a lot of his charateristics there. He is also so eplileptic, and that isn't really associated with aspergers, but with this autism it is. Hmm, it's somthing to think about. I don't really wich that his special needs weren't tere, cuz then, well, her wouldn't be John would he? But i do wish the epilepsi wasn't there, i saw it all happen for the fisrt time earlier this year, and i swear, it is the scariest thing i have seen in my life. And well, there are more scary things, but i cant even say wot could happen out loud. But i really don't want to think about that, but then i spose u might ask, why am i typing it, if i don't wanna think aboutn it. Well the answer is that I don't want to think about it, but i do, everyday. wether i want to or not. I wish i had more power over my thoughts, i spose that crying helps that kidna thing, but thats another wierd thing about me latly, I can't actually cry anymore. If there is anyone that hates crying, you shouldn't cryinhg is so much better than not crying, i wish that I still could..

Hi,well, I'm Lydia and I live in Devon with my mum and brother. Basically this is going to be my diary from now on. Cuz every year leading up to new year I always tell myself that I'm going to write a diary, and it never seems to happen. So i thought I'd do one on here, cuz I'm always on the internet.Um..so a bit about me..I love music, and I am definatly one of those people that can't live without it. I love My Chemical Romance <3 <3
Can anyone read this if they want too? Well, i am sorry too anyone who can, me rambling isn't very exciting. Ah well, sorry for boring anyone to death, but I'm going to say more about myself. Im in year 9 at school and I hate it. The other day when I was in a loo cubicle at school some chavs tried to kick it down because of the way I was dressed. I'm not saying all chavs ae horrible, I know a couple that are nice, but in my school it is hard, becuase they do want to control everything. It can be hard at my school. I probably should rant about school now tho, cuz I'll go on all night. To basically sum up school, I'd say it is one of the things that does honestly make me unhappy. I'll stop rambling now, I'll probably do another entry in a sec, but for now I just wanted to say a bit about myself.