The Real You?

So that's prom over and done with. The photos are all over Facebook. I look awful in every single one. Since that's the one night you're meant to look okay that is a bit depressing.
The prom itself wasn't that great - definitely not worth all of that build up. The second we got there everyone separated off into their cliques and stayed that way for the rest of the evening. There was dancing that I didn't join in with. I didn't want to, lol. I can't dance. People tried to force me. It wasn't good.

After the prom me and Kailee came back to my house to get changed and then headed over to the after party.
It was really strange, actually. Like, every two seconds for a while it hit us that we were at a popular person party and that that was really, really weird.
I drank too much. Far too much. I don't even know why. I think that after the last few days I just wanted to have fun and not think about anything for a little while. I won't be doing that again, trust me. All the throwing up so wasn't worth it. I am lucky that Beany's mum is so understanding about that kind of stuff.
It's my own fault. There was alcohol everywhere and I just ended up having far too much. There was this bowl full of god knows what that I drank. There were guys goinf round asking everyone to pour something of what they had it, then they were daring people to drink some. I did it. Twice. Urgh. So, so disgusting.
And then there was this whole thing with this guy. Another reason a drank as much as I did actually. Whenever I think I might like someone I immediately try and push them on someone else. I don't even know why. Half the time I don't even remember making the concious decision to do it. So yeah, I did that and it appeared to work which depressed me.

Seriously though. I think I'm giving up on the whole drinking thing. How awful I felt yesterday really wasn't worth it. And I had to lie to my mum a bit, which I hate doing. She just isn't at all understanding about anything to do with drinking. I don't know. I just think it's something teenagers do, but she doesn't see it that way.

I felt so horrible yesterday.

Next time I see that Don't Mix Drinks thing I think I'm going to listen. My puke was bright pink. You didn't need to know that.

Track: OUCH - Be Your Own Pet

Haven’t blogged in a few days. I was planning to step back from it a while because a few days ago I got a comment that, frankly pissed me off but yesterday was really bad and I just want something to talk to I guess.

Yesterday John finished his course at the college. That was scary enough on it’s own because it meant that the little help that we have had over the course of his schooling was finishing. And that’s just… whatever. I don’t even know. It’s not like we’ve ever had much help anyway.

Next year, John was wanting to do this performing arts course. It’s a level 3 (a level) course. We were kind of worried about him doing it but at the point when we decided to do it, we were told that he would be capable and everything would be fine.
Then he went to this open day for it on Wednesday. As far as we knew this was just a day to get to know the course and he already had a place but when he got home it turned out that the day he had been on was just an audition and that his place isn’t certain. We were never told this. He got a letter saying he had a place and during his interview it was never said that he wasn’t actually on the course yet.
So, there’s a danger that he won’t get on. Aside from the fact that this would completely devastate him and I have absolutely no idea how we would deal with it if he isn’t going back to school in September that changes everything. All that stuff about keeping the tax credit and everything being okay? That would all be gone. If he isn’t at school anymore then we loose all of the money for him AND he doesn’t have a job because the college made us think he was going back and because the college made us think he was going back Pluss thought he was going back and haven’t been trying to find him a permanent, payed placement. Pluss are as pissed off as we are, I seriously don’t think they are going to be working with the college next year, they said the communcation is awful.
So we found out all this and were all worried so the guy in charge of John’s course set up a meeting with us and the people running the drama course. They seem to think that John will probably get on it but have also increased the written work in the course, which is also unhelpful.

Then they told us that the government have taken away mature student funding.

Too many expenses claims, not enough money and now the people who actually Cn’r afford stuff are suffering. There are kids who have done the first year of their courses who are now unable to do the second because there is no money left.
It’s not up to the college to fund it and they have to decide over the next few weeks whether or not John gets the money. If he doesn’t it’s going to cost us over a thousand pounds. The thing is, we could probably pay for part of because of John’s disability living allowance that my mum has been saving since she thought we were losing the tax credit but if John spends all of that now and then wants to do a degree then what the fuck is he supposed to pay for it with?

And then, half an hour away from where we live is my bastard of a father rolling in it. He won’t help us. Not properly, anyway. If he does pay half then he’ll stop giving money monthly and we NEED that money because he went and left us with nothing in the first place. Oh, sorry, no, he didn’t leave us with nothing he left us with a ton of debt. Bastard.

And the thing is, I don’t know how likely they are to give us funding because in letting John on the course they also have to find the money for the learning support that he is going to need.

Then his stupid tutor, who doesn’t know anything and has sat COMPLETELY SILENT through ALL the meetings that my mum has had about whether or not John should do this course then says that he isn’t sure that John is capable of it academically or socially.

And the college isn’t taking into account how much this affects us. If John isn’t going back to school in September then we need the tax credit people and tell them. We’re probably going to have to pay back the last couple of months worth as it is.

Then my mum phoned Hugh because she was stressed and he was horrible and unsympathetic on purpose and just went on about how it affects everyone and not just us. For fucks sake. We KNOW it affects everyone but right now it’s bloody well affecting us!

And now my mum keeps not being able to breathe again and I can’t be arsed to go out tonight but people won’t shut up about it if I don’t and my going out is making her worry more and she can’t breathe half the time again and I don’t know what to do and I’m sick of having no fucking control over any of my stupid shitty life.

And the last thing in the stupid crappy universe I feel like doing is sitting in a stupid dress I’ll look fat in talking to people talking about boys I don’t give a shit about then going to some stupid person’s party I don’t even know and… ARGH

And this is pissing me off:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1197182/Betrayal-naive-hacker-Why-MPs-doing-help-Aspergers-victim-Gary.html

Why does NOBODY understand ANYTHING about Asperger’s?

And I’ll be as fucking negative as I want.

My mum’s friend just came over to take her to a murder mystery and he brought me over some headphones. Mine broke when he was in the car with us the other day.
It was sweet. Now I feel bad.

I just can’t believe that he is really this nice a person. I don’t know why, but I can’t. Men, in my experience pretend to be something that they aren’t until you trust them, then as soon as they have that they start treating you like crap.

His being around makes me feel really insecure. I’m used to Hugh horrible and to my dad horrible. I don’t want another kind of horrible to deal with. I can deal with Hugh and my dad being the way they are because I expect it.

Crap crap crap.

Oh, and I'm fine btw. A ligament thing. The doctor basically said "live with it". He obviously thought I was making a big deal out of nothing with my skin as well.
He was also very attractive which was off putting. Argh. I hate doctors.

Track: When You Were Young – The Killers

Haha! I think I have finally figured out prom!

So, here is the revised plan:

I get dressed and arrive at my first friend’s house, then we get a lift to the venue with her dad in their huge car (first friend has a million brothers and sisters so they have a car with a million seats).
THEN I arrive at prom, probably feel miserable the whole time and hopefully avoid dancing at all costs.
AFTER THAT I get a lift with my mum to The Party. At some point I would really like to change because I don’t want drunken idiots to ruin the only dress I own.
FOLLOWING THIS we walk from The Party to second friend’s house at some very, very late time. This worries me slightly. It’s not so much the fact that where she lives is pretty terrifying in the day time - let alone the night - it’s more that my mum will insist of driving me somewhere at 4 in the morning. Now that would be incredibly embarrassing, although a very sweet thing for my mum to do. The other problem with the whole giving a lift thing is that there is a very high likelihood that the people that I am with will be pissed. However, I can’t say this to my mum because if she knew that she wouldn’t let me go.

It is incredibly hard work to not have to lie. I can’t lie. I laugh. Honestly, even when I am lying about something serious I start laughing. It makes no sense. I used to be okay about lying, then this guy in my english class said I was crap at it and since then I have laughed whenever I attempt it.

I have to go to the doctor’s in a minute. Partly for my skin, which is terrible at the moment and partly for my joints. I’m kind of scared about this. For a pretty long time I have always had pains and stuff in my joints and legs, I went to the doctor’s about it about 3 years ago and they said that I had grown too fast and that it would settle down soon. I’ve stopped growing but the whole pain thing has got worse so my mum is forcing me to go to the doctor. I’m 99% sure that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, but the 1% that thinks there might be REALLY doesn’t want to go to this appointment.
And on a vainer note, my hair is a mess. It needs a wash. I was planning to wash it after this, actually, but then my mum came in and told me we’re going to the doctor in half an hour. Sigh.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Sarah Dessen books? I got Lock and Key the other day, and as usual for one of her books, it’s amazing. The thing that I love most about it in a way though is how characters from other books pop up in these really minor roles. Like, there’s this bit in Lock and Key where Ruby is serving in the shop she works and Kristy and Bert from The Truth About Forever come in. It’s subtle too, because you wouldn’t have got the description (Kristy with scars and Bert with Armageddon t-shirt) unless you had read The Truth About Forever. I love it because it makes it seem as though those character’s lives carry on even after you finish the book that featured them as main characters. I know it’s dumb, but it makes me happy.

Track: Help Me Mary – Liz Phair

I just found this booklet I was obviously given on my induction day at my school in year 7. In it, there is this quiz about how I will be getting to school.

Will you WALK? No
Do you know the way? Yes
How long will it take you? 30 minutes
Will you have a FRIEND to walk with? No. I have no friends!

Doesn't look as entertaining here but it really made me and my mum laugh. Ah, I remember the resentful, year 7 me.

"No I have no friends!" Lol.

I have already managed to ruin my own prom night. I am such an idiot. Why is this such a worry? Why am I worrying about it? It's supposed to be fun for god's sake!

So here's what I did:

I was dreading the whole thing in the first place because to be honest, getting dressed up and dancing around isn't really me. Or... I don't know. I guess I would kind of like it to be me but it just.. I don't look like I should look. Okay. So I thought that I would go, stand it for a few hours and then go home. I am ignorant to all things prom night since John never even went or was that involved in anything social. I couldn't have prepared myself for it.
There is after prom stuff. Who knew? So I had to figure that out around my mum since the girl throwing The after prom party is popular and my mum doesn't know her. To start off with, I didn't think this was something I would have to even worry about but then there was this weird situation where I got cornered in the loos and I thought they were going to kill me but instead they gave me an invite to this party. It took me a while to ask my mum. Okay. I never actually asked her, she found the invitation (which I think I have now lost.). ANYWAY so I asked her and she just said no because she didn't know the people and drunkennes etc but I still really wanted to go so I figured that I would wait and talk to her nearer the time.
In the time, because I am an idiot I agreed to go to my other friends house (which I don't want to do. I'm a horrible person.) so now she thinks I'm going ovet there when I'm not because last night I talked to my mum and she said that I can do what I want after prom. But NOW doing that isn't even easy because I lost my place in the taxi because I didn't think that I was allowed to do what I wanted.

And then there's the whole of issue as to what the hell we are doing after Megan's party. It probably won't get started 'till about midnight so god knows when it'll end and then when it does end Jasmine wants to go to the beach. The town we're going to already makes me think that this is a very bad idea but then there's the whole drunkeness thing. I would like the think that I'm not a complete killjoy but getting pissed then going to the beach? Seriously NOT a good idea.

So yeah. And this is the kind of thing that I worry about. THERE YOU HAVE IT. I'm even more stupid than the stupid I already portrayed myself the be.

I am actually obsessing over this.

ARGHIHATEMYLIFE/MYSELF

Also, my mum seems to have cheered her up. Who cheered her up? HER FRIEND. Not me. She could only yell at me and make me feel bad and shoot down everything single suggestion that I have. Not that I am going to geel insecure about it. Because that would be stupid and I'm not going to let her stupid friend get what he wants. ARGH

Track: Basket Case - Green Day

(lol)

I went to this tea party thing at this guy Alistair’s house today. It was a weird experience. His house is amazing, it’s this huge old place right in the middle of nowhere AND they had an extension built onto it, just because huge wasn’t quite big enough for them. It took ages to get to because the closest we could get on the bus was this village about half an hour away. Considering how hot it is here right now that walk was not exactly fun.
When we got there Alistair had got all this stuff ready, cakes and sandwiches and pink lemonade and stuff. After he had told us all to be very sure not to break any of his china he took us up to this old field his family own. It was one of those fields that people own for the sake of owning and don’t really look after. The grass was really long, the kind that if you ran out into the field and lay down no one would be able to see you. I love fields like this because they just inspire imagination. At the top of the field there was this old union jack on a bent flagpole, which Alistair told us was from world war 2 and that the holes in it where real bullet holes from the boat it had been on. Just along from the flag there was an area where the grass had been flattened down and we all sat there and ate. Looking around there was actually a really incredible view of all the hills and the field leading back down to his house.
It was so relaxing there, in the sun just sitting and talking about anything. Sadly, due to certain people that were there you couldn’t escape from annoyances completely but it was pretty close. Closer than I’ve been in a while, anyway.
When we had been outside for a couple of hours we went back down to the house because a few people wanted to watch Slumdog Millionaire. We had a bit of a nose round the house, as you have to in places this big and found this old sword. One thing I did realise today was the alarming amount of weapons in that house, Alistair has an axe and a crossbow under his bed. Anyway, stupidly, he let Jasmine has the sword so she was swinging it around for a while. Lol, he said “Yeah, well, it isn’t that dangerous. Although you could kill someone with it.”

Track: Good Day - The Dresden Dolls

My mum is miserable and as usual there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help.

She’s frustrated about her job and about money and how nothing ever works out the way she would have liked it to. I mean, I understand why. She has worked non-stop for the last month and has earned practically nothing because the people that she works for don’t seem to understand she needs to earn a living.
This big sales company just rejected her books so now she has decided that they are crap and that she should give up on writing and get a normal job. But then she decides that she won’t be able to do that either, because she thinks no one will hire her because of her age. I think that they probably would hire her. She’d just hate whatever she ended up doing.

And then there’s the Hugh issue. She feels guilty about it because he doesn’t even call half the time anymore. He keeps going on to her about how me and my brother are horrible to him etc. I’m actually not horrible to him. To be fair, John is, but Hugh has been awful to him so I’m not going to try and stop it. So there’s that and a million other things Hugh keeps telling her she’s done wrong.
I don’t understand Hugh. For 10 years he didn’t want her to be needy, he didn’t want to make an actual commitment to her and he didn’t want anything to do with the way we live our lives. Suddenly, my mum decides to let him get on with it and stop hoping he will change and acts as though he never did anything wrong. Like, everything that happened in the last 10 years… well… didn’t happen. But the fact is, it did. He is miserable now in circumstances that he made. I don’t see what my mum has to feel guilty about.

Then there’s me. I hate that part of the reason she is miserable is my fault. She blames herself for how much I hate Hugh and how mad I am at my dad. This, if I’m honest, I don’t get either. She couldn’t control to fact that Hugh turned out to be a prick. Okay, she didn’t send him away when she should have but it’s still him that chose to be horrible… how’s that her fault?
And with my dad she thinks that’s her fault because she divorced him (incidentally, for the exact same reasons I want nothing more to do with him. Which is quite funny, when you think about it). Again, her blaming herself doesn’t make any sense. Yeah, she sent him away but he chose to not properly be around.

So… yeah. If anyone had any idea what I could do to help it would be…. Helpful. I’m useless with this stuff. I keep trying but nothing works so.. any advice would be appreciated.

Track: Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day

YAY

Am cheered up. Malorie Blackman is going to be at the Bath Children’s Literature festival. My mum said that after the Meg Cabot thing last year I could go to something this year. Plus it’s really cheap. Despite the fact she’s really famous it’s only £5 entry. I kind of hope she doesn’t talk about the books in too much detail though because of the sex thing. I don’t want my mum to start screening what I read. Not that she’s that bad or anything. I guess I just don’t know what she thinks is in what I read. Not that there is anything bad. Just… I don’t know.

Malorie Blackman. Yayayayayayayay. Her books are amazing. Google her. Read her. Etc

Now I have to go and wash up ‘cause we have to go and get my aunt from the station soon.

Sometimes I wish my mum would just keep things to herself.

She just confirmed something I had thought for a long time. My opinion of my dad is now even worse. I feel so bad even though the person it’s directed at doesn’t know. As long as he never finds out/realises everything will be okay. It’s difficult though, because to be honest we don’t really know how aware he is of everything.

I know that I can’t be because it isn’t fair. And it’s never even really occurred to me before despite her saying stuff about it which is weird but… I feel kind of angry with my mum. Not because she tells me stuff – she’s always done that. No, because she never made my dad do more. She never yelled at him and told him to stop being such a useless prick.

Oh well.

Track: Scar Tissue – Red Hot Chili Peppers