Angst? Me? Never.

A bit of a funny day, all things considered. Lately each say at college is so full of ups and downs, it’s so tiring and a lot of emotions to fit into six hours.

A couple of boys in my Sociology lesson (one of which is in at least half of my other classes. I can’t stand him and every hour we spend together brings me closer to the day that I will ultimately throw him out of the nearest window) really upset me today. We end up in all these random discussions in my Sociology lessons anyway, and this means that we don’t end up getting through half of the work that we are supposed to. It’s really annoying.
Today for some reason people who live off benefits came up and the boys immediately started of them being scum and stuff. I’m not usually that outspoken but I completely snapped at them both without meaning to. It just got my angry.
Yeah, my family lived completely off benefits for a long time. For some people, it’s the best option. My mum chose to stay unemployed so that she could focus on bringing up my brother and I. We didn’t have anyone else taking care of us and we all know by now how useful my dad has been. I think that me and John turned out all the better for her being around. And then there’s the fact that she would have needed such an understanding employer. When we were kids John use to have hospital appointments for various things every few weeks, and these only increased when his seizures started. It would have been so difficult if she worked, and I know I particularly would have suffered with it.
All this not even taking into account how much child care would have cost. It wouldn’t have worked. We had even less money when I was a kid. We were one of the families that our church gave money at Christmas. It’s weird, when I think about it.
We’ve been through so much as a family and people speaking the way that those boys did, and investing all their beliefs in a stereotype designed for the ignorant completely discredits all that. They try to make you ashamed of the person you are and I don’t see why I should stand for that.

So yeah. Think twice before you next judge someone, because the chances are you don’t know anything about their actual situation.

And I’m not going to let some disdainful, scathing voice asking me whether I live off benefits make me ashamed.

We’re not on them anymore. We have some but it’s not our whole income. Coming off them was so awesome because the benefits office messed up constantly. We used to have to go to this office all the time because they periodically took a load of money away from us for no reason. It was really stressful and kind of a strange thing to be thinking about when you’re ten, now I think about it.

Ahh well. I'm going away this weekend. My mum got me tickets to go and see Twelth Night in Stratford. I can't wait. I'll take photos . I'm seventeen on Monday, it's so weird.

Track: Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous - Good Charlotte

I LOVE fireworks night.

Track: Eet - Regina Spektor
NaNoWriMo wordcount: 9398 words

Ugh. Last night was awful. John was up all night. I got less than two hours worth of sleep in the end. I’m not totally sure how I made it through college today, lol.

Basically I couldn’t really sleep anyway because I was worrying about my mum and going back to school and stuff and John woke up just after I went to sleep. He was feeling sick when he woke up which caused him to panic that he was going to have a seizure. When he feels like that he gets up every ten minutes or so and goes to the bathroom until my mum goes and sits in his room with him. He doesn’t really do being quiet so I get woken up and then my mum kind of freaked out at about 3am because she isn’t well and she’s tired and she’s taken on too much work and she just needed to sleep. She wasn’t even angry at John, it was at the lack of help that we get. We’re spoken to doctors about this problem before and they don’t even appear to hear it. They just smile at you and send you on your way. And our area epilepsy nurse turned out to be as useless as the rest of them. She still hasn’t phone us back and it’s been a week now.

My mum freaking out made John worse so everyone was up for longer and I could hear my mum and John talking which was what lead me to be dancing around my kitchen lip synching to Birdhouse In Your Soul at 4.30am. I’m so tired today. I eventually went back to bed properly at about 5.30 and it was 6.30 the last time I checked my clock. I had to get up at 7.30, lol. It was all right though, my mum didn’t make me get the train, she dropped me and John in. It meant that I was a bit late but the EMA lady was really understanding and I won’t lose any which is a relief.

If I don’t sleep well tonight I think I might skip college tomorrow. I know that is such a wimpy thing to do but I feel terrible, and there’s really no way of knowing what John’s going to be like tonight.

NaNoWriMo is actually going really well. I’ve written over 5000 words already, which puts me ahead. It was helpful that I got so much done yesterday because it made up for the fact that I was a bit useless with it all today.

I love Birdhouse In Your Soul. It just makes me happy.

Track: Birdhouse In Your Soul – They Might Be Giants

2 months since yesterday. Rang the area epilepsy nurse to discuss the goings on of last week. Said she would ring back on Monday and she never did. What a suprise (not).

The fact that I'm already getting worried about NaNoWriMo cannot be a good start. I really don't think that I have it in me, because November is looking to be a very busy month.

A Short Outline of My November

The first weekend of November I am going away to Stratford to see Twelth Night. It's for my birthday and I can't wait. Any excuse to get away from where I live is bliss at the moment. I'm a bit worried about the cost of it all, but at least the tickets weren't too bad because my mum had vouchers from when we saw DT Hamlet last year.

Then on the following Monday it's my birthday (17. Oh, God). I don't think that we're doing anything particularly and I get weird on my birthdays so I don't really want to do anything with friends. Plus the attention kind of freaks me out.

After my birthday nothing really happens for a while. Until, of course the big thing. The thing that we have all been dreading and worrying about for months. Not least because they aren't actually finished with their play yet. My mum is going away for a week with her friend to do a play in primary schools about not bullying. I'm really worried about this week because I'm not quite sure how to manage everything yet. My gran is coming down because I'm too scared to be alone with John but after a conversation my mum told me she had with gran the other day I don't think my gran would be much use were anything to happen. Please pray with me that it doesn't, because I honestly know how I'll cope.
Then there's the whole I have to take over all the house work thing. And walk the dog, which should be interesting because he generally refuses to leave the house without my mum. And I think I'm going to have to start getting up at five in the morning in order to walk to dog, get ready for school, get John ready for college and down to the station on time. I also don't know how we're going to get the the station because my gran probably will be too scared to drive and a taxi just seems ridiculous. It's times like this I realise the extent to which me and my family are completely alone in the world, lol.

But whatever. I'm sure I can fit in writing 50 000 words too. And guitar practise. And school. And homework. And the unnecessary emotional crap I will inevitably put myself through.

I'll be 17. How weird it that? I'm like.. old.

Track: Giving Up - Ingrid Michaelson

Twilight has gone too far.

Bloody hell. There is a Twilight religion.

I wish I was kidding, I really do.

I don't want to take the mick because I know everyone had the right to their own beliefs but Cullenism? Really? I can't help but..

Just look at their beliefs:

As a Cullenist we believe:
Edward and the rest of the Twilight characters are real
Stephenie Meyer is the (or one of the) best author(s)
The twilight series should be worshiped
If you are good in life, you will be bless with eternity with the Cullens, if you are bad in life, you will be sent to James’ cave

Apparently they also have to go on a pilgramidge to Forks once in their lifetime.

God. The story is so ridiculous as well. It does take a while to realise it, but it's true. It's a pile of crap.

Track: I'm Not Edward Cullen - Hank Green

I have watched kind of a lot of films in the last couple of days. Mostly out of thinking that it's half term and deciding that I was therefore going to do nothing. I love films because they are such a great distraction. Not just because of the fact that I'm watching something totally unrelated to my own thoughts but because I can even pretend I'm watching the film in a different situation. That isn't meant as an insult to people I watch films with, just some movies need the extra bit of pretence in order for them to actually be enjoyable.

The films I have watched:

1. The Truman Show (amazing)
I have wanted to see The Truman Show for ages because various people have told me how good it is and it has been mentioned on my Sociology course once or twice. It was definitely worth watching. I have to admitt I did find it a little hard to get into because I'm not the biggest Jim Carrey fan (I hate Liar Liar more than I can possibily express) but after a while I did forget how annoying he is and found myself just focussing on the plot. The whole thing kind of creeped me out when I thought about it, because psychologists really do screw with people (David Reimer being the most disturbing example) and never seem to be given any kind of punishment. I know the creator of the show wasn't supposed to be a psychologist but he really reminded me of some of the doctors I have studied at school.
I think that this is a film that would improve on being watched twice. Not least because the adverts (I watched it on channel 4, lol) made the plot more difficult to follow/get in to.

2. Camp Rock (shit)
I am so embarassed that I actually watched this. It was on after The Truman Show and I had nothing to do and didn't want to go to bed so...
God, it was bad. The conversation was really stilted sometimes between the girls because there was this small pause between each piece of dialogue. All of the girl's voices were really annoying as well! And the music was so bad! Okay, I'm not exactly a great lover of Demi Lovato or The Jonas Brothers ("not exactly" here meaning I HATE them!) but still! The music was terrible! Plus there was drumming in every song but never anyone playing them! There were plenty of guitars but nothing else. And I do not see the attraction to any of The Jonas Brothers. What is wrong with Joe Jonas's eyebrows?! Have you seen them? How could anyone find that remotely attractive?!

3. Up (love <3)
I saw this at the cinema yesterday afternoon and despite the vaguely uncomfortable situation I was I found myself completely drawn into it. It was so funny and yet another film you can appreciate on different levels. The bits with the dog, Doug are actually hilarious because he is exactly like my dog is. I love how Pixar manage to produce the simple little quirks so perfectly (think the dog in Over The Hedge "play?!" lol). The animation was spectacular, as usual. The moment when all the balloons shoot out the top of the house is actually kind of beautiful. All the landscapes are amazing and they just make you want to step into the world of the film because it's so perfect.
I would recommend trying to see this one of the big screen, because little televisions really don't do animated films justice.

4. Truly Madly Deeply (as yet unsure)
I was in a right mess when I watched this, so I'm not going to pretend that I enjoyed it. It just didn't help with the thoughts that were in my head.
But ignoring those I think it was pretty good. I didn't like dead guy because he reminded me of Hugh. I thought that the art therapy guy was really cute, he made me want to do that kind of job because it looked so rewarding. My mum told that the guy that plays him (his name escapes me right now) usually plays baddies which is kind of shame 'cause like I said, he's really cute.
I think Juliet Stevenson's acting in it is really believable though. She does all the emotional bits in a non-cringey way which was nice. Like I said, I need to watch this again when I'm not thinking about other things.

I love films. I don't know if I can afford now but I'm really hoping to see Fantastic Mr. Fox later in the week.

OOOH, also, while I'm on the topic of films how good does An Education look? It has Carey Mulligan (Doctor Who Blink girl), Emma Thompson, the guy who's the grave robber/stoner in Garden State and Doctor Octopus from Spiderman 2 in! Nick Hornby wrote the script as well so obviously I have to see it because I really, really, reaaaallllly love Nick Hornby's writing style. I am excited about this film. "Excited" is a crappy term for how much I am looking forward to seeing it. .

Trailer for An Education:

Track: Ode to Optophobia - Danille Ate The Sandwich

I am now on half term. I feel so ready to be off. I know that I'm doing less subjects but college is much more tiring than school ever was. The social stuff doesn't help, I'm having to re-evaluate a friendship or two. Ah well. I could never hang on to best friends anyway.

John has been scaring us again this week. On Thursday night my mum was out at a murder mystery related thing, and I was on my own with John. I felt pretty confident about everything, since he'd been all right for a while then he just suddenly went white as a sheet and threw up. It was so fast and then I was freaking out because I thought he was going to have a seizure (he didn't). It was so weird, there was no lead up. You can always tell when John is feeling sick. I don't think he evn knew until he threw up. So then I was frantically trying to get hold of my mum to get her to come home because I'm useless on my own and in the end had to phone her friend because her phone was off. He was really sweet about it though.
I thought everything was okay after that, but John was sick again the next day. The exact same thing happened. No warning, just suddenly vomit (to be frank). So my mum called the doctor and he said it was either an infection, small seizures or a reaction to the meds increasing. I don't know.
I talked to my guitar teacher about it. I like to tell him stuff, because he actuallt reacts to it. Like, my friends just start talking about their lives (boys, basically) as soon as I've spoken but he lets me mention stuff. Not in a like serial moaning way. He just makes the effort to ask how John is so I tell him.

Hugh keeps phoning. I probably wrote about it last weekend but he's being annoying.

This is going nowhere. Ooh, I'm learning a Newton Faulkner song for my guitar this week. I love it, even though it's really hard. There's a couple different techniques I don't find easy on their own and together... well...
I'm happy with it though. I usually find the stuff that he sets me a little bit too easy. Having a challenege is.. well, just that. And the timing is perfect, since it being half term means I actually have the time to practise.

I'm going to see Up this afternoon with mum, John and Mum's Friend & Co. (his kids). I have no need to feel weird about this. I will be repeating that throughout the afternoon. I kind of like the fact that my dog doesn't like kids so they can't come in and invade our house as well as church (not that I go but it bugs me that they go now and NO I CANNOT EXPLAIN WHY).

In the words of Dr. Cox Big Fun.

Track: Let Go - Frou Frou

I realised a little while ago that I have a postsecret.

I really want to send it.

Because then maybe I could deal, and move on.

Problem is, it isn't really mine to tell...

Track: When You Were Young - The Killers

Usually people say that it's better to talk about things, right? And this was something I had kept to myself outside of here for a long time. I've been quiet for nearly a year. I mean, I started getting worried the first time he came around.

I figure I'm going to need to explain this properly.

I'm on about my mum's friend, basically. I told her yesterday how weird I felt about it. I didn't say don't see him anymore or anything like that I just explained why I was being odd. I honestly really like the guy. Is it possible to like someone and feel incredibley threatened by them at the same time?
All this and they aren't even together.

Okay. Right.

I've been feeling weird since I had the dream about Hugh. I just feel at the moment that all the things that he said about me are right and I'm horrible and all that stuff. And then with my mum's friend being around here loads I'm scared that he's going to change everything again. I'm not used to having men around so much, and it's difficult to get used to. And my mum keeps going on about how nice he is which makes me scared she likes him and then I get scared we have to go through the whole Hugh thing again. And right now she and John are at church with him and his daughter and I'm scared of getting pushed out. My family is all I have and I don't know what I'd do if someone took that away. So I sort of said that's how I felt because my mum was going to invite him round yesterday because he was sad and then I just kind of blurted that she was seeing him tomorrow anyway (today. Church).
She told me that he's nothing like Hugh (she can't know that. Men show what they want you to see until they know they're not going anywhere.) She said that it would never start like she and Hugh started and she wouldn't let anyone push her into anything the way that Hugh did. She said that she would never be with anyone that treated me and John as badly as Hugh did.

And now she's worried about me. Mum said that she would rather me tell her what I'm feeling than not at all but now she's worried and I know that telling her what I was thinking was a selfish thing to do. It's like Hugh always blaming me for all her problems and it's kind of right. I mean, she's got this guy who's her friend and who's nice and I made her worry about me. I didn't mean to. I just sort of got myself into a situation where I couldn't get out of saying what I was thinking because she wouldn't let me leave. She said that she feels the same and that the idea of being with someone scares that hell out of her and that she is no where near ready to be with anyone again yet anyway.

I didn't mean to make her worry.

I feel like crap.

Ah well. At least it's Postsecret day.

Is it just me or does anyone else find the BMW advert really, really annoying?

Track: Naive - The Kooks

I first of all want to say how awesome the comments on my last post were. They have some newspapers in the library at school so I'll have a nose through those and see what I think. Thanks for the advice.

When you are at school there are certain sterotypes that no matter what you do you can't seem to get away from them. One of these would be "emo". The "emo" stereotype is that of a person who's sex you usually can't tell, is miserable, wears black all the time, listens to music about killing themselves/everyone around them and has a self harming problem. Usually at least half of this isn't true. I know people who I guess would be "emo" and they're funny and happy the majority of the time.

But then, there are the people who feel the need to conform to this stereotype. One of whom, is this girl in my year (who I was certain was a boy up until last week when I walked in on her in the girls loos.) I don't know her, really, since we haven't ever spoken so I suppose I can't judge but frankly she pisses me off. She walks around deliberatly showing off to everyone the cuts that she has and frequently comes in to college with gauze wrapped around her arms and wrists. She makes a big point of showing what she has done to all the girls in her class and even cuts herself in front of people sometimes.

I understand that problems comes in all shapes and forms but I just feel like she's attention seeking more then anything. I mean... I know someone that has a problem with self harming. And... it's scary. It really scares me and I worry about her a lot but it's not something that she flaunts. She's not "emo" or anything like that and the self harming is something that she tries very hard to hide. She only told me about it when she decided that she wanted to get some help with it. She's on anti-depressants now.
Even John, to some extent has a problem with self harm (the hitting and biting himself) and it's something that he's embarrassed about. Whenever it needs to be brought up when we've attemtped to get help for him he asks my mum not to talk about it.

So... what does that make Emo Girl's problem?
Does she really even have a problem? Or... just feel the need to use "emo" in order to create an identity. I feel mean judging her since it makes me feel like a hypocrite but I can't help it. Why should she show off how "emo" she is when there's people out there with a genuine problem?

Or maybe she does have a genuine problem and it just manifests itself differently. I don't know... I just did so much research after my friend told me that she self harmed and I've not heard of any cases like Emo Girl.

Hmm..

Track: Song About An Anglerfish - Hank Green (lol. Emo Girl should so listen to this.)