The Real You?

See you next week

by barneyrulz @ 18/07/2008 – 10:21:07 pm

I'm going to bed now, as I have to get up at 4.30am tomorrow.

How fun my week will be.

Not that anyone will read this, but to whoever it concerns (i.e no one) I won't be here for a few days.

Going...

Going....

Gone.

Day 9. What is a holiday anyway?

by barneyrulz @ 17/07/2008 – 01:02:53 pm

2 days until I have to go on holiday.

So far, what I am basically being told is the shut up and don't complain. Hugh is being "nice" to pay for it and I should therefore be polite and act as though I would feel guilty if I ran him over.

I have decided, that I am going to take an extremely selfish, teenage attitude to this:

I didn't ask to go on holiday.
I don't want to go on holiday.
You knew what I felt about it when you booked it, so why don't you just leave me hear?

I'd be ok, I think. Maybe I could stage a kidnapping of myself tomorrow night. It would work, because they wouldn't worry. I know this because apparently when you go on holiday you leave all your problems behind, and relax. So they would forget about the kidnapper chopping off my fingers and putting them through the letter box.

Holidays heal everything :yes: Who knows? If I went on holiday maybe my fingers would even grow back, and my kidnapper would have a sudden change of heart and let me go. Afterall, who doesn't relax on a a old holiday?

I really don't understand how you supposedly can go away and leave your problems behind. The things you worry about are in your head and you can't exactly chop that off and leave it in the fridge. Why does putting a 100 or so miles etween you and your front door change anything?
Say.. (I'm getting this from my book, Long Way Down by Nick Hornby. It's actually amazing) ... you have a missing sister. Driving 500 miles away from your house doesn't change the fact that she is missing. Why can you relax just because your not in your home? You won't forget that she's missing, and she won't magically re-appear.. so why does it help?

And in our case, we're taking the problem with us.

The Problem: Mum & Hugh's relationship.

The Solution: Break up.

The Worst Thing In The World You Could Possibly Do Together: Go on a "family" holiday.

:## . I've been trying so hard not to totally obsess about this in the last couple of days I've started dreaming about it.

That's why I'm depressed today. I did everything in my dream that I wish I could do in real life. Then I had that couple of minutes somewhere inbetween sleeping and being awake to work out I had been dreaming.

Waking up hurt someone angry is a very strange experience.
Plus I got so mad in my sleep my insides forgot to rest so I'm knackered.

I'm not going to be nice. I don't care.

Well, I do.

I don't want to upset my mum, but I try not upsetting my mum and then I get sick and that upsets her anyway.

People talk about expressing love a lot. Like how to tell somebody that you love them, and that you want to be with them always.
I want to find the perfect way to tell someone (well it's obvious who really) that I hate him and would be more than happy never to see him again.
Not speaking when he's around is a bit pathetic really, but I can't think of anything else to do. I'd love to think I could not speak for a whole week but my mum will talk to me and I can't not talk back because it would hurt her feelings. She kind of freaks when she think that I'm mad at her. I am going to avoid her as much as I can in the next couple of days though, because she keeps telling my to be nice and it makes me feel guilty.

:roll:

I'm so screwed.

Day 8 - Why is white tack so crap?

by barneyrulz @ 16/07/2008 – 12:52:16 pm

Blue tack works fine, white tack doesn't. My cuboard is an example of this. A while ago I thought that I would decorate it with lots of things that I like. I was on some self expression thing I guess. And the top half of it is covered in pictures I draw and posters and things I've cut out of magazines etc, I did this quite a while ago so it's done with blue tack. It's always stayed up fine.

Then the blue tack mysteriously dissapeared.
(This always happens in our house, I have no idea why.)

So we bought white tack, because that's what Sainsbury's had.

A couple of weeks ago I carried on with my cuboard. It's not that I got bored of it or whatever it's just that since the months ago when I did the posters and stuff I haven't been able to find anything else that I want to stick up there. I did when I was on that whole ohhh the past :`( thing a couple of weeks ago. I went through lots of old photos and so the bottom half of my cuboard is now covered with lots from when my and John were little.

~~Have to break now because my mother may or may not have set fire to the kitchen.~~

Everything's okay.

Anyway, white tack.

Because the blue tack dissapeared we only had the white tack so I used that to put all my photos up (which took forever by the way, I had to have them in a proper order otherwise they would have looked crap and not meant what I wanted them to... :yes: . It makes sense) and now within like.. 2 weeks they all fall down all the time. :## it's so annoying! Everytime I turned around one of them has slipped down.

>:-( That's what my face looks like now.

Day 7

by barneyrulz @ 15/07/2008 – 12:58:29 pm

I = nervous wreak

Nervous wreck + coffee making = really bad coffee and mess.

One little girl did randomly come up and give me a big hug though, which was sweet.

I also managed the kettle and the fridge door (Y)

Going to an Agatha Christie talk with my mum and John. I'm on John's computer and he's being way stressy about it which I think is unfair seeing as I let him on mine every day for ages before he got this one. I think he's got a secret porn stash on here or something because whenever we come near it he gets stressy.

Idiot brother, I think I might start randomly walking into his room for no reason to annoy him.

Heh heh....

Lol, I told him that I'm writing about him being eggy

"I was joking!"

:))

Delete today from existence... please?

by barneyrulz @ 14/07/2008 – 03:27:17 pm

I still feel like crap today. I'm not sure why. And I'm worried about something stupid because my head needs something to focus on. I didn't call someone back last week and now for some reason I'm worried about it?

I humiliated myself at pre-school today. I should have remembered it is a bad omen when I'm not nervous. Having Jasmin there last week, in my mind, took a lot of pressure off. Like, I didn't feel like I was the only person that they would be making allowances for. Plus I was more relaxed because I didn't realise how eggy most of the people there were. Jasmin isn't there this week, and I was okay with it. I was pretty calm about it, and I thought I would be ok. Right. Ok? Me?

All the freaking out I hadn't done suddenly hit me when I walked through the door. I was suddenly extremely nervous and probably very red. I don't think I will think about how attractive that loked. The fact that no one told me how I looked stupid or made tomato references definitely shows I'm not with people my own age. After this I went on to do my general nervous falling over words (and chairs) and just generally making a complete twat out of myself. I managed to forget pretty much everything that I learnt last week and knocked a load of stuff over in the cuboard which made a delightfully loud crash which everybody heard. Then of course they came to see if I was ok and to get other stuff out of the cuboard so I have to attempt to pick of the 500 odd plastic teddies I had knocked down quickly. (Which when your hands are shaking as much as mine where isn't easy). Then the children arrived which was a relief in some ways, it meant I had to go and make an idiot out of myself with small people who would probably notice less.. which was good. I just.. well, I finally managed to start speaking so they could understand towards the end of last week and due to the words sort of coming out in a way that wasn't neccesarily very connected to my brain earned me quite a few vacant stares. :**:

Then we went up to my old primary school. Not been there for 4 years. Very weird. I thought it was quite funny that half the school has been redone but the main hall still has the same carpet. We went to watch a play that the kids where doing, most of the children behaved which was good. The play was... well, I'm sure it was great but the hall floor has got anymore comfortable in the time I haven't been there so I was thinking more about being in pain than focussing on the play. It was one of those 5 minutes of talking 10 minutes of singing ones. It was a happier play than they used to make us do when I was there though, our plays were always really depressing with the main character dying at the end. I think I might have played some coral once..

I had an hour of sitting not doing much to calm down, but of course I didn't. It didn't help that there was a particularly scary year 6 staring at me.. lol.

When we back to pre-school I nearly broke the fridge. What kind of idiot can't open a fridge? ARGH. Not to help that it's one of those stupid kitchens where you can't turn around without elbowing someone in the stomach and there were like 4 people crammed in there. 3 of who were wondering how an apparently 15 year old girl didn't know how to open a fridge. I do have a more detailed explanation about why I couldn't open it but I don't think there's much point in sharing really. When it comes down to it, I couldn't open a fridge.

I have to go back tomorrow.

Send help.

Please.

I don't think I ask for too much

by barneyrulz @ 13/07/2008 – 09:00:30 pm

I'm having one of those weird evenings where I feel insane.

I want to write something that doesn't sound like me.

I want to be really horrible to several people, and I want to get annoyed about all the stupid things. I want to be able to properly talked to a certain person without them making me feel stupid.

I want to go and do something that would hurt Hugh. I want to go and throw big heavy rocks at his precious car and I want to throw screw up that photograph and throw it in his stupid, controllong, ugly, critical, patronising face.

I want to go and tell Mandy that I think she is a bitch, and that she looks like a short fat middle aged bloke and doesn't deserve her stupid nice parents and their huge house.

I want to go and scream at my dad, and tell him how I feel and then I want him to transform into an actual dad in front of my face. And I want to him to make an effort with my brother, I want him to turn into this amazing, understanding person who knows everything and can sort stuff out like dad's are meant to do.

I want mum too finish with Hugh and meet her ideal guy, her ideal guy who will look and act uncannily like David Tennant but my mum's age. I want him to be nice and everything Hugh should have been, I want her to be with someone who loves me and John and doesn't expect us to change everything for him. I want him to love us so much it totally discounts Mandy and Hugh ever existing. I want him to have a family so I'll have other brothers and sisters who can help me not screw everything up with John.

I want someone to make my mum ok, make her know that she's always going to have someone.
I want someone to make her feel safe, someone that won't change into a different person after a few months. Someone she'll be with forever, so she won't ever be lonely again.

I want someone to sort out all our money problems so my mum can write and write what she wants without ever having to worry about keeping the house ever again.

I want someone to look after John properly, I want the NHS to come up with all the answers they never have before, I want them to put together their adolescence into adulthood program and make everything when John stops college less scary. I want them to find him a job and make sure there'll be someone there to take care of him, and show him what to do.

I don't think I'm asking for all that much really.

Note to self: Making lists is bad for sanity.

Music: Liz Phair - Leap Of Innocence

I wish I'd never asked

by barneyrulz @ 13/07/2008 – 08:39:23 pm

What's wrong?

"Life."

Seriously, what am I meant to say to that?

I kind of imagine that smiley is what you'd look like if you're brain exploded.

But that's just me..

Shutup shutup SHUTUPPPP

by barneyrulz @ 13/07/2008 – 08:17:37 pm

My mum is unhappy today for reasons. She is unhappy because Hugh has gone really distant with her, which makes her think that he is shutting down the way that she has so now she feels like she is on her own. Then she gets sadder 'cause she's sad about the fact that she even cares.

I really do want to help, but I don't know what to say.

When she asked me why she was sad I told her I didn't know, because I'd be happy to be shot of him.

She laughed, which is something.

I have to say something else that is irritating me. There's this girl I still talk to on msn from my AOL days and she's kind of.. well.. miserable and she always has those feeling incredibly sorry for yourself display pictures that have like a picture of a crying kitten on or something saying My Life Is Shit Because Of You I Hate You type things. This mildly irritates me anyway just because.. I hate those things. Today it was something like this:

"Hi"
"Hi, how are you?"
"I'm fine"
"Kewl"
For once, when I say I'm fine I would just like, for once for someone to look me in the eyes and say, tell me the truth."

:##

"Fine" in Beckie language is like "Ok, I'm gunna jump out the window now" So I always, always say, What's Wrong and whenever I do that I get snapped at or just another thing which is someome saying they're really miserable but not actually saying that.

I'm fine with her not wanting to tell me, I mean, that's okay. I just wish she wouldn't totally discount my existance.

I said I always say that to her but then she just says she's fine again but she didn't answer.. then I started talking about rats, I thought there was a giant one in our porch (just don't ask, it's safer really.)
She never answered. I guess I could try and talk to her again now, but I don't know what to say, there's only so many totally one sided conversations I can think of.

Ahh well, better IM her anyway.

:wave:

This means nothing to me

by barneyrulz @ 12/07/2008 – 08:18:49 pm

I wish people would make up their minds and stick to their decisions. I ended going to look at lots of housey things with my mum that we couldn't possibly afford today, and she was talking about the her and Hugh situation a lot. You know, last summer and all of that stuff.. talking about how she doesn't really understand the situation now. Hugh has started saying that all the 'churchy' stuff has pushed them apart, and that all she does is push him away all the time. Which just.. isn't true. Ok, I can understand how I could be biased but I've been watching this situation most of my life and I still think my mum is right. She did want everything, she wanted to get married and have a house together "A proper family" she said, but he didn't want it. He didn't want us, he didn't want to be that commited guy. Being the guy who left when he wanted was what he wanted. He chose that life, he actually said to my mum's dad "Marriage? Forget that" and whenever my mum tried to bring it up he was always all "why can't this be enough?" and then they'd have an argument and he would go home leaving my mum in a state.

Now suddenly he wants us to move in with him and he wants to be around and stuff i.e, he wants to start staying over again. He thinks that everything that happened last year was my mum having a 'funny turn' and that she didn't mean any of it. She meant all of it, but he had to go and cry and say he couldn't live without her, and that he would be better which made her believe him so now we're here again. He obviously didn't mean any of it, and he agreed with everything that she said when he turned up and ruined what would otherwise have been the first decent holiday we've had since I was little and we stayed in my gran's caravan. He blames everything on her when actually it's always him.. he promises her everything, which she then tells me and John we're going to get and then it lasts what? Two weeks, usually. And then I sit and listen to what he's doing again and again when there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not allowed to talk to him about any of it, because then it would get worse because he'd know my mum had talked to me about it.
She said today that it was Easter that really did her in. He said he wanted to do something with her, and she didn't want to leave us so we went down to Cornwall, to this place he's been going on about for ages and then on the way back we stopped at one of his clients houses and talked with them for ages, she tried really, really hard and then when we got home all he did was have a go at her, and say he hated every minute of it and a load of other stuff. And then he started talking about how he can't stand people making her people miserable (!) then the stairs creaked and they realised I was there and everything got all worse. Since then it's just gone downhill.

My mum keeps trying, John's just John and me and Hugh haven't spoken to eachother for about 5 weeks now. I plan to keep it that way and be as irritating as humanely possible while we're away. This involves being someone my brother likes to hang out with, which is good because it'll make him happy, so he won't get brought down by the obviously crappy atmosphere. And my mum... well, I figured I could try behaving, and being nice but it wouldn't change anything. Whenever he's around she sits waiting for him to say something upsetting, or for him to snap at my brother and for my to flip out. I hate that I'm part of what is making her unhappy, but I can't just sit there while he shouts shut up in my face. The fact that is really horrible aside, Hugh knows that John mimics the behaviour around (I know that better than anyone now... lol) and that my mum hasn't bought him up to yell in people's faces and he could copy that. Plus he's nothing to do with us, and you can't yell at someone you claim no responsibility for. It's stupid. I know I've said this a thousand times but you can't shout at someone and demand respect you've never even tried to earn, it's stupid and...

And then it gets all stupid because I get all depressed 'cause he doesn't want us. I don't even know why I care, because he's horrible and I hate him. And he loves to my mum and look what that used to do to her... so, it's a good thing, I know. I just.. her being with someone that loved us would be amazing. And he's been there since I was four.. like.. I didn't used to be all ugly and stupid, but he still didn't want us. I found this stupid photo of me, John and him. They can't have been together for very long at that point and it makes my insides hurt so much and go all stupid because of the stupid.. fakeness of it. It just gets to me the way neither of my parents partners of choice want me. I mean, I can see why, it just annoys me anyway. Well.. more than annoys me..

the word partner bugs me as well. When a guy introduces a woman as his partner, what I hear is "Hi, this is this girl I've been with for more than 3 years, I think I love her and everything, but I don't want to get married. She's stays with me anyway though, silly cow. Still, I hang on until I find something better".

I feel like crap. This holiday.. ARGH.

THIS MEANS NOTHING TO ME OHHHHHHHHHH VIEEEENNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Been in my brain all day. :>> Damn Ashes To Ashes.

I don't think I'd like someone to chop my teeth while I'm sleeping

by barneyrulz @ 12/07/2008 – 07:19:05 pm

Survived my first week of work experience. Friday was so boring I thought I might as well go home, I just sat there while kids made bracelets for ages. It really didn't help wake me up. Plus I think I must be cursed or something because whenever I went outside it started to rain. !

Bunny had a more eventful Friday than I did. Mum took him to the vet in the morning because he still wasn't eating anything or moving around much, he just seemed really ill. I wanted to go with them a lot but I couldn't because I had to get to pre-school. In the end they kept him there and did the operation on the same day. It was a bit scary because I knew that if he didn't wake up from the anasthetic then I wouldn't have got to say bye to him but luckily he did. He just took a bit longer to recover than most would have because of the respirartory infection. He's back home now though and getting better bit by bit. He drank loads when we got back and he's eaten a bit of kale today. He's staying in my room in a cage at the moment because the vet said it would be best to keep him inside until he was better. He isn't completely better and I think all the noise in the house is kind of freaking him out especially 'cause John's outbursts are pretty frequent right now because he's bored or being at home and not having a routine is making him hyper and a bit difficult. I'm still worried but I know that he's eaten today so it's alright.
Seeing as I've talked so much about him in the last few days, I'll show him to you. This is Smudge. People are all :roll: whenever I talk about being worried about my rabbit but I don't care. I love him lots and I've had him for nearly 7 years now so I think I'm entitled to. You can't look after something for 7 years and not love it at all.

Actually. Wait. Hugh's been around for 11 years now and he still hates me.

Oh well. He doesn't exactly count as human.

Anyway.. introducing... Smudge <3